Hello lovely people...it's been awhile and I discovered my RSS feed was turned off along with me spending a lot more time writing and sharing on Facebook. I am working on creating some systems so all of this flows with greater ease and I can get more of me in the world though my words and videos...so things are happening! testing here and will see if this goes out in the morning. I am sending you all love, flip flop wearing freedom, delicious wild hearted living that is shaking the world up so more and more of us is in the world. It is so time, don't you think? and let me know how your life is changing..have you bought the camper you dreamed of? Ditched the suits and only wear long skirts? Found that job you love only wear amazing suits that turn you on? Here's to us changing the world and sinking into our hearts more and more. Into softness and kindness that radiates through the world and makes it a truly welcoming place to live for all. Along with lots of ukulele playing, lots of play and joy. Because my belief is that what it is truly all about. I send you love as you create this for yourself, in your way, in your place. Love to you. K
This thing called love can be a great mystery to me at times. This thing that calls to me so completely and baffles me at the same time. This thing that I am untangling all I was taught about love that seems so counter to what my wise heart knows. My heart knows that love is all around me in every moment. That every moment there is magic to be had. My wise heart knows the value of softness, of tenderness, of hand holding, of snuggling, of cuddling. My wise heart knows this does not only come from my man. It can come every day from so many different people, in different ways. And my wise heart knows it’s time to welcome this energy if from a man. To stand for and create this is my life. My body and soul are craving it.
I look at life as energy and i am realizing how limited I’ve been in my thinking of love. Because there are so many tones to love. There is parent/child love. There are caresses, there is buying a favorite bottle of wine for a friend just because. There is putting a flower on a table for a guest’s meal. There is reaching out and caressing someone’s forearm because you sense they need love. There are toasts at weddings, picking up hitchhikers, creating a barbecue for your friends to gather. There are presents under the trees. Photos of texts of flowers just because. There is laying on the grass together under the stars. There is ordering a stranger your favorite dish. There are invitations to orphan’s thanksgiving, gifting a glass of wine. There is letting the wild woman sit on the front of the boat because she asks. There is singing and dancing along a forest path.
All of this is love.
And I’ve experienced most of this recently, imagined some of the others and while my heart could take it in for the most part I found my head awfully attached to how love showed up. That it needed to a man. And he needed to pick me. He needed to approve of me. He needed to make the move. And I believe what I am creating this time around is me creating the love. Me knowing what I desire and asking for it. Me reaching my hand out, me asking to be held. Me allowing to ask and receive. And as my asks get more specific, bigger- I create more love for all of us. Maybe it is asking for someone to massage my feet for awhile. I create a moment for us to connect in quiet touch. Maybe it is asking to go sit on the dock and watch the stars. I create a moment for us to take in nature and beauty. Maybe it is asking to dance on the terrace. I create a moment for us to listen to music and have it move our bodies. Maybe I ask for dark chocolate. I create a moment for him to enjoy buying me something I desire and watching my reaction as I savor it.
All of this is love. And I believe this is the power of women knowing their desires. Knowing the tones of love they need in the moment and asking for it…their man, their woman, their men, their women. their family, a stranger. And, as I have learned, much of this has involved not having a man or rather, not relying on a man to bring me this love. But rather the universe.
People keep asking me if I’m on my Eat, Pray, Love trip and I laugh because, no I am on my own journey. Although I felt for so long my journey, my story, was incomplete because I had yet to meet my Felipe in Bali. That I was missing out on the LOVE part of the story. But the truth is, I’ve been having an incredible love affair with myself, with the universe that has expanded what I now believe is possible in love. I have looked into the nooks and crannies of my heart, my darkness and found more love there than I ever imagined. And with more love comes more room for creation.
Because all along love has been mine to create. And instead I’ve been reacting. Reacting from how I was taught, what I saw and experienced. Rather than stepping off of that path and creating my own. Well, I’ve been hopping back and forth between paths. My teenager so excited for a crumb, my wise woman wanting to be held. My teenager settling for a creepy man who was paying her attention. My wise woman knowing there are divine men for me to meet and so much more to be experienced.
And I feel like right now I am raising this younger part of myself to understand so much more of love, of what is truly possible between people and that it is so much richer, juicier, full of so much more possibility than we ever imagined. So I encourage her to look into her heart- past the hurts of missed proms, of not dating in college, past the abuse, past the disapproval and to tune into her heart and tell me the truth of what she longs for…sweetness, gentleness, romance.
So, it feels like this moment in my journey is about creating the love I truly desire. One that is full of extraordinary tenderness and passion. One that is full of quiet and wild living. One that is full of eye gazing, of hand holding, of nights under the stars. One that is full of adventure travel and sitting by a fire for hours. One that is full of knowing the maps of each others bodies and souls. One that is about being more vulnerable than I could ever imagine for fear of what it would bring. And the thing is, it’s the walls that are causing the pain, not the vulnerability. The vulnerability gets me direction, guidance, truth, it might also cause me to blush but I feel alive. I feel true and seen, most importantly by me. I feel more me and I would rather have this, than not. I would rather feel embarrassed than laying in bed wondering what if I had asked him to come up and just snuggle? What if I had asked him to join me for a drink in front of the fire and hold my hand? What if I had been more brave with my love? What if I trusted my love and my way of loving more then what was taught to me?
We don’t need to adapt, we don’t need to deny our desires. This is my epic journey, my Eat, Pray, Love…coming back to my beautiful wise wild heart bit by bit. Layer by layer. Coming back to love as my primary language.
And so in the dark spaces of today, with the new moon, with all this energy of love around me. I desire to be. To trust. To know that first instinct is full of love, is the very thing the world needs me to do- to trust my instincts with love and to act on them.
And this feels like no small thing, this understanding that is dawning within me that my heart matters. That my heart gets to be met in all ways, all tones. That my heart doesn’t have to compromise in love. Rather, it can grow and grow. it can cut through the barbed wired and be free. It can be met with the sweetest. softest love. It does not need to have walls around it, it does not need to live in fear. It gets to be held. so so gently. By myself and all that I create in this life. It gets to be easy, it gets to be tender. I can release the soap opera drama tones of love, I can release the will McDreamy and Meredith ever get together love. I can release all of that fear, that forcing.
And I understand it might take me awhile to completely believe this, to create this, I ask for grace and know there will be some pebbles in the path. But at least there are no longer the boulders that once blocked me so completely. This magical place of Patagonia continues to alchemize these old thoughts and beliefs. This old energy living within me. It continues to hold up a mirror of incredible love that allows me to soften, to believe again.
So thank you Patagonia, thank you new moon. Thank you human self for surrendering your agenda to be going all day and to instead be soft and gentle and allow all of this to sift through my system. Thank you water for helping move this energy through, thank you for the sweet view of mountains and water and sky from my window. Thank you for snacks so I didn’t have to leave my room. Thank you for putting the computer down and letting me cry some more as all of this sinks in. Thank you for sleeping, for napping, for resting, thank you brain for quieting down.
Thank you love, for showing me the way once again.
Hello Everyone. I know it's been awhile. The universe took me offline for the summer and I am just getting back to writing and blogging. I started last week on my Facebook and can't stop and realized now it's time to be showing up here as well. Below is the post I did last night. I will be writing more and more so your inboxes might get a bit full, and then there will be those lulls when I am going deep in my own process. I'm not an every Tuesday kinda gal. Thank you for your patience and love as I do this my way and honor my truth, which I trust is best for every one involved. I hope your summers were full of wild living, so much love, connection and joy. Deep joy.
Much of what I do is around reclamation. Reclamation of all these pieces of me to get back to me. And this summer I dove deep into the world of sacredness. Of reclaiming my sacredness. Honoring my intuition. My sensuality. My strength. I spent a lot of time in nature which was a constant mirror for my sacred self and I learned that I'm SO sacred (as are we all). And that if I do not honor and treat myself as sacred, others will not. Not with their words, their paychecks, their actions. If I do not respect myself enough to say, Stop. Then they won't. They are simply (I say simply but it sure doesn't feel that way at times) a mirror for where I am in valuing and honoring myself.
My role is to understand my sacredness and honor it. To nourish my body, mind and spirit. To create situations, relationships, meals that honor it. And if something doesn't feel sacred I have a choice. To stay or leave. To ask for more money. To send the wilted lettuce back. To set a boundary. To ask for what I need and want.
I get to surround myself in Love.
You do too.
So, I did something which felt very scary today. I asked to be treated with Love. I asked for what I wanted. Simply. Clearly. Treat me with love. With kindness. Let your words be kind. No more disapproving, making me wrong and judgment that makes my heart hurt. I know it isn't personal. I am not angry. I am asking for what I need. And if you find this disapproval coming up please do not share it with me. Not on my Facebook feed. Not on text. Not in person. Tell the sky. The dog. The tree. Do not tell me. I am desiring to be met with LOVE because I am sacred. Because I am following a path that is sacred and there is nothing wrong with that, with me.
A few hours after I said this to the universe and before I sent the email. I heard from a magical man I met at burning man. A man that used the words Divine and Sensual to describe me. A man that honored me, respected me. Treated me with unconditional love. A man that I felt seen and appreciated by because I was at long last loving myself unconditionally and honoring my divinity and sensuality. He was a beautiful, profound, life changing mirror for me.
I love the universe and how it is just waiting for us to ask for more. Waiting for us to show up for ourselves at times. Because as much support as it gives us, there are moments when the next step is ours. The scary one, the one that feels like Indiana Jones stepping into the void. But the stones show up and carry us across with ease what was seemingly a step to our death. Because we are showing faith in where we are being lead. Faith in more. Faith in love. Faith in one another. Faith in that in asking for what we need with respect and kindness we create our lives.
I listened to a lot of music today. On Shuffle. And there were a few songs that looped through several times. 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons. 'Happy' by Pharrell (the universe is attempting to boost up my neuroreceptors for joy). Hozier's 'Take me the Church'. But I'll leave you with this one by India Arie because it seems to resonate most with this day of reclaiming my sacred. Of honoring my strength, courage and wisdom.
"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"
Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.
Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:
I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you
I arrived back in Seattle a few weeks ago. Filled up from my pilgrimage, ready to start a new chapter in my life, DONE! with the old stories, my old way of living. Onward ho!
Except I wasn't. My heart and body had some healing to do. My pelvis had some major fear to release (ask my acupuncturist) and I kept shoving it away because my new story was I'm DONE with that old story. So when all these emotions came up, when my heart was knocking on my head, I wasn't answering the door. Who wants to open that door to all those pesky old emotions? I'm DONE!
So when my afore-mentioned acupuncturist informed me of the fear I needed to let come up and out through my belly, through my heart, throat and jaw, I wasn't pleased. I was angry. BUT I'm DONE! (Apparently the binge tv watching and extra glasses of wine were not seeping in as information that not all was well)
So for the past few days, I've been writing and crying and dancing and cleaning and reading and writing and writing and writing. Letting all this fear move through. Will I ever be able to heal my relationships with men? Stay in my power and truth around them? Will I press my edges of my sensual and sexual life? Will I press the edges of how much love I show up with in the world? Will I practice radical honesty and have good boundaries? Will I truly reclaim my wild? Can I take away the keys to my car from teenager and get her to enjoy the view from the backseat? Can I trust myself to make choices from a wiser place? Can I show myself compassion for these hurts still being here? (the answer to the last one was no, but I'm doing a much better job these last few days). I was just so damn ready to be moving on that I was keeping all this stagnant fear in my system. Which is not a great foundation for a new beginning.
So take some time this week...what needs some space to emerge? What needs to be heard by you? By the world? Write it out, speak it. LOVE IT UP! Because kicking it in the face like I was doing "get away from me pesky girl!" doesn't work and doesn't lead to great things. Welcoming it with loads of compassion and curiosity is a much more loving choice and will truly lead to the next chapter, a much lighter, joyful one at that.
I’ve been in Amsterdam for three weeks now. It’s not a large city, 82 square miles. However, due to all the canals it’s divided into approximately 90 islands, which are linked by more than 1,200 bridges. (Thank you Wikipedia). So It can get a little a little confusing for this American as I walk and bike. I’ve spent more time lost in Amsterdam than anything and I sense that is the exact reason why I am here. To get lost. To get away from what I have come to believe as me and to see what crops up. I still love watching the Graham Norton show on youtube (if you need a laugh- this is the place to go). I still love avocado on gluten free toast for breakfast. What’s shifting is my perspective on me in the world. In understanding that How I show up is what matters. Am I showing up with curiosity? With love? Am I open to new and trusting this is exactly where I am meant to be? Am I trusting myself? Can I continue to step off the path I think I am supposed to be on and follow one that is being laid out before me that offers so much more magic, living, joy and love and yet pulls me farther from all that I know? Answers: Yes. Yes. Yes..okay sorta. Sometimes. Resistance.
Because part of this makes no 'sense'. I'm in the midst of starting my company, creating a video, collaborations. Shouldn't I be in Seattle? Or at least in the States? Shouldn't I..shouldn't I..shouldn't I?? No. I am exactly where I am meant to be. Across the water, growing, seeing my life, me in a new way, getting a new perspective which is infusing my writing and my life, Skyping with collaborators, creating community with people from India, France, Germany, the US and meeting more collaborators here and living out a long held dream to create a life where I can live wherever I want, wherever I am called and be of service. So yes, it makes sense because it's simply my truth.
The other day I had a list of errands to run but I decided to walk out the front door and just go rather than worry about following directions. I’d come to an intersection and see where my body wanted to go, when I looked to the right did it light up or constrict? I started noticing that I would get a clear hit each time. And it led me to exactly where I needed to go. To a shopping area to finds boots, a flower stand to buy tulips for my friend I’m staying with and to have a lovely chat with a man who had toured the US in a rock ’n roll band in the 80s. Then I found a wine story for a delicious bottle of Pinot Noir (loving the 7 Euro bottles of wine over here). Next, an organic store where I bought Indian Winter coconut milk ice cream with ginger root, cardamon, coriander and nutmeg that I would later put over pan roasted sweet potatoes with a few caramelized almonds for a tasty fall treat. I found a place to rent a bike, an ATM, an American book store. And as the sky darkened I enjoyed walking by people’s lit up homes checking out the cool interiors that Amsterdam is renowned for.
In signing up for getting lost, for trusting, it worked out better than I could have imagined or tried to create.
This is what I have to get into my marrow, my brain cells. It works out. Every time. Every time it's better than I imagined. And yet I am still surprised. I still resist. I still think I know what will happen or should happen. That is how strong my training is, how deeply ingrained it is within me to stay on the 'right' path. I doubt people think that of me, they don't see the struggle that can be happening on the inside. But trust me, it's there sometimes. And I have to remind myself to trust my instincts, to remember how beautifully it's worked out before, to shut out the other voices in my head that think its wrong and to go for it. Whether it's leaving my apartment with no plan, spending my 40th birthday by myself or buying a one way ticket to Kathmandu...it's all the same, I just need to remember to pack my humility, courage and heart.
Where can you get lost for awhile? Is there somewhere or something that you’re being called to but are resisting? Trust. Enjoy. Breathe. And take a step on your path…I'm cheering you on.
Love and tulips from Amsterdam