A sacred summer that created life long shifts...

Hello Everyone. I know it's been awhile. The universe took me offline for the summer and I am just getting back to writing and blogging. I started last week on my Facebook and can't stop and realized now it's time to be showing up here as well. Below is the post I did last night. I will be writing more and more so your inboxes might get a bit full, and then there will be those lulls when I am going deep in my own process. I'm not an every Tuesday kinda gal. Thank you for your patience and love as I do this my way and honor my truth, which I trust is best for every one involved. I hope your summers were full of wild living, so much love, connection and joy. Deep joy.

Much of what I do is around reclamation. Reclamation of all these pieces of me to get back to me. And this summer I dove deep into the world of sacredness. Of reclaiming my sacredness. Honoring my intuition. My sensuality. My strength. I spent a lot of time in nature which was a constant mirror for my sacred self and I learned that I'm SO sacred (as are we all). And that if I do not honor and treat myself as sacred, others will not. Not with their words, their paychecks, their actions. If I do not respect myself enough to say, Stop. Then they won't. They are simply (I say simply but it sure doesn't feel that way at times) a mirror for where I am in valuing and honoring myself.

My role is to understand my sacredness and honor it. To nourish my body, mind and spirit. To create situations, relationships, meals that honor it. And if something doesn't feel sacred I have a choice. To stay or leave. To ask for more money. To send the wilted lettuce back. To set a boundary. To ask for what I need and want.

I get to surround myself in Love.

You do too.

So, I did something which felt very scary today. I asked to be treated with Love. I asked for what I wanted. Simply. Clearly. Treat me with love. With kindness. Let your words be kind. No more disapproving, making me wrong and judgment that makes my heart hurt. I know it isn't personal. I am not angry. I am asking for what I need. And if you find this disapproval coming up please do not share it with me. Not on my Facebook feed. Not on text. Not in person. Tell the sky. The dog. The tree. Do not tell me. I am desiring to be met with LOVE because I am sacred. Because I am following a path that is sacred and there is nothing wrong with that, with me.

A few hours after I said this to the universe and before I sent the email. I heard from a magical man I met at burning man. A man that used the words Divine and Sensual to describe me. A man that honored me, respected me. Treated me with unconditional love. A man that I felt seen and appreciated by because I was at long last loving myself unconditionally and honoring my divinity and sensuality. He was a beautiful, profound, life changing mirror for me.

I love the universe and how it is just waiting for us to ask for more. Waiting for us to show up for ourselves at times. Because as much support as it gives us, there are moments when the next step is ours. The scary one, the one that feels like Indiana Jones stepping into the void. But the stones show up and carry us across with ease what was seemingly a step to our death. Because we are showing faith in where we are being lead. Faith in more. Faith in love. Faith in one another. Faith in that in asking for what we need with respect and kindness we create our lives.

I listened to a lot of music today. On Shuffle. And there were a few songs that looped through several times. 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons. 'Happy' by Pharrell (the universe is attempting to boost up my neuroreceptors for joy). Hozier's 'Take me the Church'. But I'll leave you with this one by India Arie because it seems to resonate most with this day of reclaiming my sacred. Of honoring my strength, courage and wisdom.

"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

[Chorus:]
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.

Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:

[Chorus]

Vamp
I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you

Everyday Wild

Happy Friday loves

One of the big things I noticed in my life is that I wasn't living wild in my everyday. I would trek in Nepal, go to dance retreats and feel SO ALIVE. Then I would come home and slowly return to the everyday. I forgot to nourish and feed my wild on a daily basis. So I've learned it's the little things, the daily things that truly help me reclaim my wild. Whether it's biking around Amsterdam at night or in the rain- to feel the cold, to see other people, the buildings, the tulips. To be out in the world in more wild ways everyday. Last night I went and saw a movie and brought dark chocolate infused with chili for my movie snack. Wild for this good girl to bring in outside food, I really do love breaking rules to fuel my pleasure.

I remembered that years ago when Julie and Julia came out I went to see it in the theatre and thought- how can I sit through this movie without great food and wine? So I went to Whole Foods and bought what enticed me:  red wine, organic cherry tomatoes and a piece of vegan chocolate cake. I brought my own wine glass and silverware too. I had so much fun thinking about it and doing it. I truly believe these are the every day things that help us feel alive, wild and free. Dancing in the rain, biking over cobblestone streets with no end point in mind, flirting with a man at the Butcher shop, getting an ice cream cone in January, serenading the person next to you in traffic, doing yoga on your lawn, eating breakfast in the park on your way to work, having your partner/roommate feed you fresh organic raspberries, telling your truth and feeling that zing of sensation and spaciousness. Every day we get to be wild, how lucky are we?

I would love to hear how you are being more wild in your everyday life. Share in the comments or join us on the Reclaim your Wild Facebook group.

Here's to a day of wild, alive, free living. 

                 Wild and free as I bike around Amsterdam. Feeling alive, joyful and oh so happy. 

Spending Thanksgiving alone and loving it

Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday: gathering with friends and family to celebrate our blessings, to enjoy one another and delicious food (please let the food be truly delicious and not lukewarm).  My mom's stuffing recipe is one of my favorite dishes on earth, I look forward to it every year.  

A few years ago I was home in Seattle for Thanksgiving.  This particular year had been a tough one. I'd gone through some huge ruptures in my life, ended a very toxic relationship with a family member and my body was releasing all the stress/sadness/fear I'd been holding onto since I was a little girl. Because I set such a firm boundary, because I finally protected myself, my system was trusting me and at long last my body could finally truly relax and release.  I had bronchitis for six weeks (in chinese medicine the lungs are grief...and boy did I have a lot of grief to move through). So when Thanksgiving rolled around I planned on seeing how felt. I had a number of wonderful invitations to join friends around their festive and loving tables.  Did I want to be around people? What felt best for my body and soul?  

So here we are Thanksgiving day and I just kept staying in bed.

I slept and slept and read historical romance fiction and slept some more. I meditated. I slept. There may or may not have been a shower. I was delighted, ecstatic, giggly. I shuffled to the kitchen to grab a Kind bar at one point to ease the hunger.  In the early evening I emerged from my bedroom in total joy and calm. I popped open my laptop and found some new healthier versions of cakes, cookies, bread recipes because when I am happy and full of love I bake and create sweetness and then share it with others. At one point I spilled my glass of red wine on my laptop and fried it. Shit. I freaked out a bit and searched on my phone "red wine on keyboard" followed the steps I found, set it aside and then kept baking using my phone for recipes.  I was in such joy and flow it didn't derail me and I baked until 3am.

I don't remember all the details of how I spent that day but I remember this. It felt divine. Perfect. There was no other place I wanted to be. And I was utterly, delightfully at peace with it.  It was exactly what my body and soul needed and by getting in approval with that I had a totally joy-filled day. 

So follow your pleasure, follow your truth, reclaim your wild and do Thanksgiving, the holidays, your birthday, every day your way. In doing so you set more and more people free to follow their own pleasure which creates more true joy and connection in our world...and that is something to be truly grateful for. 

What can you do this holiday season to be in your pleasure? To honor your truth? Say no to travel? Head somewhere warm? Homemade gifts? No holiday cards? Stay inside all day binge watching Scandal? Only you know what is best for you.

                                    One of my Thanksgiving creations...slightly lopsided but full of love and joy   

                                    One of my Thanksgiving creations...slightly lopsided but full of love and joy

 






He leaned over and whispered in his french accent...

In June I was in Montreal watching the Algeria/Germany World Cup game and started chatting about soccer with a local man sitting next to me.  After Germany’s victory he asked what I was doing in Montreal and I told him how I was traveling while writing a book about my journey of healing my broken heart.  He turned to me and with his beautiful french accent said “sometimes when you are hurt you protect yourself and you miss out on love, fun and joy and good things.” 

Yes Claude, how right you are. Yes, you do. 

Yes. Yes I did.

It is deeply ingrained in us: be it PTSD, ancestral, cultural, instinctual to avoid conflict. 

Fight or Flight. I fled.

I fled my body, my soul, my emotions. I hightailed it out of there all the while armoring up (I’m very good at multi-tasking). 

And I spent so much time fleeing and protecting myself from potential heartache I missed out on a lot of fun and joy, of dating, of taking risks, putting myself out there creatively. Sharing my essence and love with the world. And when my heart did get hurt I didn’t do anything about it. Years ago I climbed to Everest Base Camp while sick with Himalayan dysentery.  I kept trekking for days, going, digging deep into my physical strength and yet I couldn’t say to someone, “you hurt my feelings, you hurt my heart.” 

My emotional strength needed a boost, not a vitamin C capsule more like an IV drip of red bull boost.  I needed to learn how to protect myself with healthy boundaries rather than medieval armor so I could open my heart to love again, to show myself to the world as I truly am. To learn I deserved to be treated better and how to make that happen. To stop hiding my emotions and taking care of others before taking care of myself (I have flown enough to know I am supposed to put on my oxygen mask first). I needed to learn to quit settling for crappy treatment, poor pay, chit-chat…anything that was less than lighting me up and turning me on. Anything that was less than honoring my worth, my beauty, my value. 

Claude and I talked about seeking happiness and that was certainly a part of it.  Deeper than that I was seeking love, ultimately self-love so I could stand so delightfully as me and dance, share, love caper my way through the world as I am meant to, opening my heart towards myself and others. Spreading joy and love wherever I go. And the reason we had this juicy interaction?  Because I dropped my armor, I didn't flee. I showed up as who I am.  I talked about reclamation, about broken hearts, love capers, about reclaiming your wild and it led to a lovely conversation.  

 So thank you Claude, thank you universe. More please. 

I just wanna see you be brave...

I was out dance walking in my neighborhood last night. Soaking up the beauty of the flowers and the trees all while wearing a sundress and flip flops past 8pm in Seattle. Which is pretty luscious in itself.  Then DJ Universe cued up Brave by Sara Bareilles and my heart and body opened wide up. I started twirling around, singing out loud and feeling the fire and joy rise up.

"Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"

I love these moments of inspiration. Moments that take us beyond where we've been before, where we feel more is possible than we thought/felt only seconds before. Where pieces click into place, where I don't care that my voice is rickety and crickety (I'm pretty sure that's a singing term- I'll ask Randy from American Idol).  Where I feel that all I want to be and create in the world is here, is happening and it's really about me being brave enough to go along for the ride. 

Am I brave enough to share what I feel, experience and am awakening to? Am I brave enough to stand in my knowing? My desires?  Am I brave enough to open up my heart? To believe? To surrender?  We'll see. I'm doing my best and on sunny days in Seattle with this music pouring through my system it all seems possible.  

I came home, wrote this blog and then watched the video which is, seriously, about dancing in public!!! I love it. Thank you DJ Universe, keep the music and love coming.

Where do you want to be brave? I'd love to hear about it.

"Brave" by Sara Bareilles and Jack Antonoff

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave