Own it, own all of it.

I’m in the midst of writing a book…which is amazing and cool AND brings up all sorts of sadness and grief for all the little pieces of paper I find with gems of wisdom (we are talking about two large plastic tubs of notebooks, napkins, hotel stationary, torn pieces of 2x2 paper, receipts) for the unpublished blog posts, for all the living that happened that I didn’t think was worth sharing or helpful, or important to myself or others. 

When it so was. 

All these insights were steps, moments that helped me reclaim pieces of myself. They provided clues and answers as to why I felt so disconnected, alone, confused, broken and wrong. 

And now I see how all these pieces of papers could have helped others as well if I had realized and trusted what I was going through wasn't such such an anomaly, wasn't so crazy or wrong. That I wasn’t so crazy or wrong. And that in sharing, I wouldn’t have felt so alone, crazy or wrong.  Because I had to be the only lunatic who had so many notes, so many napkins, so many feelings.

Until I found out I wasn’t. 

Until I started meeting others like me with epic personal development book sections, notes, a litany of workshops attended. Seeking, maybe not even knowing what at times. Perhaps personal peace, personal power, self-expression, intimacy, sacred sex, love, mostly love probably. And lately I’ve realized that all those pieces of paper could be helpful to others. That maybe just maybe I have some hard-earned wisdom to share that the world needs that will make the bumpy curvy perfect path I’ve been on be easier for the next person brave enough to follow the calling and yearning of their soul.  

Or at least for them to know they are not alone. 

And in looking at these tubs of paper, in writing these stories, it is helping me digest, reflect and understand the last 7 years, the last 41 years of my life more and more. The magic of it. The blessings. The beauty.

And what’s underneath all of this is trusting and honoring my own wisdom that’s been bubbling to the surface. Trusting it for myself and trusting to share it. I am here to talk about feelings, to talk about my journey home to me, and I had to come to understand its value in the grand scheme of things first. I had to understand I was learning to feel these things, not just to be right with myself, but also because the world is starving for us to feel our feelings. Starving for me to show up with my notes, my heart, my ideas, my wisdom, my hugs, my wide open heart. Starving for us to say no more, to help bring a world that is so out of balance- back into balance. Back into that sweet spot of doing, rational, linear, productive and being, beauty, stillness and emotion. In this place, where all of it is valued.

And honestly, so many of these stories, these nuggets I was scared to share. They took me away from what I knew to be true, had been taught was true and right and good and desired. Who was I to have these experiences? What were these experiences??? And I kept thinking I would come to this moment when I had it all figured out and THEN it would be time to share. Right around the time I finally lost the last 10 pounds. Uh-no. 

I honor the words and moments that were lost by my inaction, fear and self-doubt. I honor this was not only of my doing and my creation and yet it is mine to undo. More than anything else in my lifetime, it is my responsibility to own my knowing, my feelings, who I am and share it. Because if I don’t, that is the disservice, that is the dishonesty, that is perpetuating a culture, a way of living I don’t want to perpetuate or play in anymore.  

And so I delve into the plastic tubs of paper, into my memory and my heart and I trust the deepest and truest words that are mine to share will find their way back through me 

What is yours to share? To own? We need your personal brand of beauty, truth and knowing in the world.

    a small sampling from the tubs of wisdom...

    a small sampling from the tubs of wisdom...

I’m going to be opening up our Reclaim Your Wild Facebook community soon. It’s a private group for those of you desiring more support and more community on your journey.  I've been loving receiving your emails and realize we could use a place to share. You are not alone!

What Felicity taught me today

This is one of the blogs I wrote this summer and didn’t post. I wasn’t ready to share and really stand for my knowing. A lot has happened these past two months and I realize I just need to share what comes to me and what comes with that…well I’ll deal with it when it comes. So here it is, better late than never or perhaps in divine timing.

Today’s lesson brought to me by: Felicity

I love how the universe brings me movies, songs, tv shows that offer me guidance and wisdom when I am in need (and oh I have been in need lately).

Today while doing the dishes I was called to watch this scene from Felicity (which I didn't discover until I was 36).

Let’s just say I stopped washing the dishes and watched it again.

For all recovering good girls, all sweet empathic souls…read, listen, take this into your heart.  At any age.  Wishing I had heard these words, known this truth at 12, 18, 25, 32…grateful I have found it, believe it and can say them at 41. 

Felicity: 19 year-old woman talking to long sought after boyfriend, Ben

“The truth is I can’t be with you like this. I mean I know I said I could but I can’t.  I just can’t compromise myself like that. I mean I’m an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset and talk about how I’m feeling. 

I mean that’s just who I am and I can’t change that. 

I don’t want to.

And the thing is you knew that. You knew it and you still pursued me because you want something with me. You just aren’t strong enough to have it, which in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is one day your gonna wake up and realized what you missed and it’s gonna be too late. 

Ben: “I don’t know what to say.”

Felicity “I know. It’s okay.”  

It’s okay because we get it. We feel it. We see it. Swirling about us in our families, our communities, our jobs, our world. We get it’s scary and uncomfortable and new terrain and that there are so few examples of how to be this emotional person in the world.  

The problem is when we DO compromise, we and the world lose out. We lose our truth and the change and wisdom it brings.  Our self-expression and the art and creation of lives, our wants and needs that inspire others. Our value, our joy, our life force energy which balances out the left-brain world.  Because we are managing others emotions or denying our to make others comfortable, to accommodate what others are comfortable with.  We feel the pain, the injustice, the joy and there are so few places for us to express it. We want to scream, wail, moan, rage, delight, dance and the world hasn’t provided us places for this. They took away those places. Our red tents, our men, our women who could hold space for and honor our emotional gifts.  We missed out on examples of people living in their emotions. Holding in, shoving down my emotions for so much of my life cost me years, tens of thousands of dollars, mysterious diseases, divorce, and disconnection.  It cost me living in my truth, sharing my self with the world.

We must stop abandoning ourselves. We must stand and speak and rage and sob. It matters, every beautiful emotion we have shoved down, overanalyzed and not owned matters. It is time for us to own these emotions that are a sacred part of our humanity, of our world. They offer guidance, connection, solace, release, and truth. They bring color, texture and great beauty to our world. 

It is time. It is our choice. No more compromising. 

So thank you to Jennifer Levin and the other Felicity writers for the words I needed to hear today. To spark this reminder that for years I did compromise, adapted to a certain sort of insanity that I took as truth when it fact it was so far from it.  When the very thing I needed to do, the world was starving for me to do was to share all of my gorgeous, resplendent, complicated, oh-so-very-real and powerful emotions and compromise no more. 

I hope this post supports you in sharing your emotions, with yourself and others. I would love to hear about it and as always am here to support your sharing of your beautiful self, the world needs all of you. 

Here’s the clip: you can skip the video after 5 seconds of advertising

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHYlMTdW5KQ

He leaned over and whispered in his french accent...

In June I was in Montreal watching the Algeria/Germany World Cup game and started chatting about soccer with a local man sitting next to me.  After Germany’s victory he asked what I was doing in Montreal and I told him how I was traveling while writing a book about my journey of healing my broken heart.  He turned to me and with his beautiful french accent said “sometimes when you are hurt you protect yourself and you miss out on love, fun and joy and good things.” 

Yes Claude, how right you are. Yes, you do. 

Yes. Yes I did.

It is deeply ingrained in us: be it PTSD, ancestral, cultural, instinctual to avoid conflict. 

Fight or Flight. I fled.

I fled my body, my soul, my emotions. I hightailed it out of there all the while armoring up (I’m very good at multi-tasking). 

And I spent so much time fleeing and protecting myself from potential heartache I missed out on a lot of fun and joy, of dating, of taking risks, putting myself out there creatively. Sharing my essence and love with the world. And when my heart did get hurt I didn’t do anything about it. Years ago I climbed to Everest Base Camp while sick with Himalayan dysentery.  I kept trekking for days, going, digging deep into my physical strength and yet I couldn’t say to someone, “you hurt my feelings, you hurt my heart.” 

My emotional strength needed a boost, not a vitamin C capsule more like an IV drip of red bull boost.  I needed to learn how to protect myself with healthy boundaries rather than medieval armor so I could open my heart to love again, to show myself to the world as I truly am. To learn I deserved to be treated better and how to make that happen. To stop hiding my emotions and taking care of others before taking care of myself (I have flown enough to know I am supposed to put on my oxygen mask first). I needed to learn to quit settling for crappy treatment, poor pay, chit-chat…anything that was less than lighting me up and turning me on. Anything that was less than honoring my worth, my beauty, my value. 

Claude and I talked about seeking happiness and that was certainly a part of it.  Deeper than that I was seeking love, ultimately self-love so I could stand so delightfully as me and dance, share, love caper my way through the world as I am meant to, opening my heart towards myself and others. Spreading joy and love wherever I go. And the reason we had this juicy interaction?  Because I dropped my armor, I didn't flee. I showed up as who I am.  I talked about reclamation, about broken hearts, love capers, about reclaiming your wild and it led to a lovely conversation.  

 So thank you Claude, thank you universe. More please.