Looking fear in the face and letting it roll on through

I arrived back in Seattle a few weeks ago. Filled up from my pilgrimage, ready to start a new chapter in my life, DONE! with the old stories, my old way of living. Onward ho!

Except I wasn't. My heart and body had some healing to do. My pelvis had some major fear to release (ask my acupuncturist) and I kept shoving it away because my new story was I'm DONE with that old story. So when all these emotions came up, when my heart was knocking on my head, I wasn't answering the door. Who wants to open that door to all those pesky old emotions? I'm DONE!

So when my afore-mentioned acupuncturist informed me of the fear I needed to let come up and out through my belly, through my heart, throat and jaw, I wasn't pleased. I was angry. BUT I'm DONE! (Apparently the binge tv watching and extra glasses of wine were not seeping in as information that not all was well)

So for the past few days, I've been writing and crying and dancing and cleaning and reading and writing and writing and writing. Letting all this fear move through. Will I ever be able to heal my relationships with men? Stay in my power and truth around them? Will I press my edges of my sensual and sexual life? Will I press the edges of how much love I show up with in the world? Will I practice radical honesty and have good boundaries? Will I truly reclaim my wild? Can I take away the keys to my car from teenager and get her to enjoy the view from the backseat? Can I trust myself to make choices from a wiser place? Can I show myself compassion for these hurts still being here? (the answer to the last one was no, but I'm doing a much better job these last few days). I was just so damn ready to be moving on that I was keeping all this stagnant fear in my system. Which is not a great foundation for a new beginning.

So take some time this week...what needs some space to emerge? What needs to be heard by you? By the world? Write it out, speak it. LOVE IT UP! Because kicking it in the face like I was doing "get away from me pesky girl!" doesn't work and doesn't lead to great things. Welcoming it with loads of compassion and curiosity is a much more loving choice and will truly lead to the next chapter, a much lighter, joyful one at that. 

I saw this on Facebook and loved it. No credit was given. If you know who did it I would love to know.

I saw this on Facebook and loved it. No credit was given. If you know who did it I would love to know.

I'm naked in a sauna in Berlin...

Yesterday I took myself to Liquidrom...a sauna, salt water pool extravaganza in Berlin. I'm in the sauna- luxuriating in the heat, the lavender infusion, my eyes are closed. Then I hear "Miss, no bathing suits allowed in the sauna."  I admit I am a little thrown, then I'm even more thrown when I get up and see the two men behind me...naked and I have to say gorgeous.  So I somewhat gracefully exit the sauna, use the shower and then walk back in and take off my swimsuit. Doing my best to get lost in the lavender infusion and having a bit of a hard time.  These are my thoughts.  "Is it no swimsuit...wear a towel around your body?" I don't think so because the men aren't. "Is it no swimsuit but be on your belly?" Doubtful. And mind you there is a wall of glass in this huge sauna that opens up to the a large outdoor lounging area where most people are in robes and bathing suits so I feel a bit on display.  A new person enters and I covertly open an eye lid and see it is a naked woman and she is not wrapping her towel around her body so I stay laid out on mine and relax a bit.

I start hearing this language I've never heard before. It is a rhythm like Australian at times and yet clearly isn't. This thought goes around and around in my head until I flip over and ask the men what language are they speaking.  Finnish. We talk about language, Finns and the saunas in their apartment, that these two men work together and are with work colleagues and a prospective hire...to see if they can hang out together.  Their words not mine.  One of the men has a kind, open energy and I am instantly attracted to him. He feels good to me. No need to think about.  We keep talking- amidst more arrivals, one who sits her naked self in between me and the men and is taking quiet awhile to get comfortable so my view goes from her torso, to his face, her arm, to the other man's face...we keep talking. I like this man more and more. His friend announces he is off to get water and the other man follows, his towel discreetly placed- thank goddess.

And I start thinking...how does one approach a naked man at a spa who is with his work colleagues and ask him out for a drink. Because I am clear I want to spend more time with him.  And it is important for me to be honest about what I want and to go for it.  

One dip in the magical salt pool later, I sit across from him and his colleagues at the outdoor lounging area, sipping my water but I don't make eye contact. I will my eyes to open and smile and they will not! I am in my head. I am acting aloof but I am not. There is a precious part of me that is scared, that has no idea about boys/men.  That has been keeping them at bay for a lifetime.  Especially ones that feel this good. I can talk for hours to the ones I have no interest in, make eye-contact etc. But when there is attraction some part of me is so afraid I flee. I've seen it happen time and time again.  And I spent the summer being curious and loving about this, seeking help, doing body work, healing up more PTSD...and my eyes will not open. Some part of me is still terrified. I forget to go to the bathroom and do a dance move to get back in my body. I forget to breathe deep. I forget to laugh, I forget to listen to music. 

At one point I am walking by the bar, glance up and see him sitting there. I say hello, except it isn't him..it's yet another scruffy bearded dark haired man. Ugg! Nice try though. Then, at long last I am back in the sauna and I see his entire group of co-workers heading to the dressing room. I lay there for a few minutes more because it isn't in my pleasure to leave yet, I want more time in sauna land and I want to talk with him (at the time I am thinking my options are get dressed and leave or stay in sauna...now I know there are more options).  I make my way to the dressing room, attempting to put on my bra and form fitting, need-help-to-get-the-zipper-all-the- way-up-dress over my sauna-hot body and I get a glimpse of him in the dressing rooms- clothed. Yes, the dressing rooms are sanctioned as male/female and yet they are no walls. That was another shock when I entered the glass door with the figurine of woman, I thought i had walked into the male locker room.  Perhaps another reason I am feeling a bit ungrounded.  I get help getting my dress zipped, go outside and he is...gone. No sign of him. Ugg. 

I go back in, put on my bathing suit and head back to the sauna to sit with all that happened and didn't happen.  

I am so tired of missing out, of being fearful, of holding back, of fleeing, of being paralyzed, of not being able to open my eyes and welcome him in. Of not asking for what I want. And yet there are many gems and expansion in all of this as well. 

Part 2 of the naked Finnish Man in the Sauna will be shared tomorrow.  It involves talking to myself in the streets of Berlin, giggles, wasabi peas, sobbing on a bridge and being asked out for a glass of wine by another man in front of a restaurant called Oxymoron.

Until then, I wish you so much love. May your eyes and heart open.