Letting my wise wild heart guide the way

This thing called love can be a great mystery to me at times. This thing that calls to me so completely and baffles me at the same time. This thing that I am untangling all I was taught about love that seems so counter to what my wise heart knows. My heart knows that love is all around me in every moment. That every moment there is magic to be had. My wise heart knows the value of softness, of tenderness, of hand holding, of snuggling, of cuddling. My wise heart knows this does not only come from my man. It can come every day from so many different people, in different ways. And my wise heart knows it’s time to welcome this energy if from a man. To stand for and create this is my life. My body and soul are craving it. 

I look at life as energy and i am realizing how limited I’ve been in my thinking of love. Because there are so many tones to love. There is parent/child love. There are caresses, there is buying a favorite bottle of wine for a friend just because. There is putting a flower on a table for a guest’s meal. There is reaching out and caressing someone’s forearm because you sense they need love. There are toasts at weddings, picking up hitchhikers, creating a barbecue for your friends to gather. There are presents under the trees. Photos of texts of flowers just because. There is laying on the grass together under the stars. There is ordering a stranger your favorite dish. There are invitations to orphan’s thanksgiving, gifting a glass of wine. There is letting the wild woman sit on the front of the boat because she asks. There is singing and dancing along a forest path.

All of this is love.

And I’ve experienced most of this recently, imagined some of the others and while my heart could take it in for the most part I found my head awfully attached to how love showed up. That it needed to a man. And he needed to pick me. He needed to approve of me. He needed to make the move. And I believe what I am creating this time around is me creating the love. Me knowing what I desire and asking for it. Me reaching my hand out, me asking to be held. Me allowing to ask and receive. And as my asks get more specific, bigger- I create more love for all of us. Maybe it is asking for someone to massage my feet for awhile. I create a moment for us to connect in quiet touch. Maybe it is asking to go sit on the dock and watch the stars. I create a moment for us to take in nature and beauty. Maybe it is asking to dance on the terrace. I create a moment for us to listen to music and have it move our bodies. Maybe I ask for dark chocolate. I create a moment for him to enjoy buying me something I desire and watching my reaction as I savor it. 

All of this is love. And I believe this is the power of women knowing their desires. Knowing the tones of love they need in the moment and asking for it…their man, their woman, their men, their women. their family, a stranger.  And, as I have learned, much of this has involved not having a man or rather, not relying on a man to bring me this love. But rather the universe. 

People keep asking me if I’m on my Eat, Pray, Love trip and I laugh because, no I am on my own journey. Although I felt for so long my journey, my story, was incomplete because I had yet to meet my Felipe in Bali. That I was missing out on the LOVE part of the story. But the truth is, I’ve been having an incredible love affair with myself, with the universe that has expanded what I now believe is possible in love.  I have looked into the nooks and crannies of my heart, my darkness and found more love there than I ever imagined. And with more love comes more room for creation.

Because all along love has been mine to create. And instead I’ve been reacting. Reacting from how I was taught, what I saw and experienced. Rather than stepping off of that path and creating my own. Well, I’ve been hopping back and forth between paths. My teenager so excited for a crumb, my wise woman wanting to be held. My teenager settling for a creepy man who was paying her attention. My wise woman knowing there are divine men for me to meet and so much more to be experienced.

And I feel like right now I am raising this younger part of myself to understand so much more of love, of what is truly possible between people and that it is so much richer, juicier, full of so much more possibility than we ever imagined. So I encourage her to look into her heart- past the hurts of missed proms, of not dating in college, past the abuse, past the disapproval and to tune into her heart and tell me the truth of what she longs for…sweetness, gentleness, romance.

So, it feels like this moment in my journey is about creating the love I truly desire. One that is full of extraordinary tenderness and passion. One that is full of quiet and wild living. One that is full of eye gazing, of hand holding, of nights under the stars. One that is full of adventure travel and sitting by a fire for hours. One that is full of knowing the maps of each others bodies and souls. One that is about being more vulnerable than I could ever imagine for fear of what it would bring. And the thing is, it’s the walls that are causing the pain, not the vulnerability. The vulnerability gets me direction, guidance, truth, it might also cause me to blush but I feel alive. I feel true and seen, most importantly by me. I feel more me and I would rather have this, than not. I would rather feel embarrassed than laying in bed wondering what if I had asked him to come up and just snuggle? What if I had asked him to join me for a drink in front of the fire and hold my hand?  What if I had been more brave with my love? What if I trusted my love and my way of loving more then what was taught to me?

We don’t need to adapt, we don’t need to deny our desires.  This is my epic journey, my Eat, Pray, Love…coming back to my beautiful wise wild heart bit by bit. Layer by layer. Coming back to love as my primary language.

And so in the dark spaces of today, with the new moon, with all this energy of love around me. I desire to be. To trust. To know that first instinct is full of love, is the very thing the world needs me to do- to trust my instincts with love and to act on them.

And this feels like no small thing, this understanding that is dawning within me that my heart matters. That my heart gets to be met in all ways, all tones. That my heart doesn’t have to compromise in love. Rather, it can grow and grow. it can cut through the barbed wired and be free. It can be met with the sweetest. softest love. It does not need to have walls around it, it does not need to live in fear. It gets to be held. so so gently. By myself and all that I create in this life. It gets to be easy, it gets to be tender. I can release the soap opera drama tones of love, I can release the will McDreamy and Meredith ever get together love. I can release all of that fear, that forcing.

And I understand it might take me awhile to completely believe this, to create this, I ask for grace and know there will be some pebbles in the path. But at least there are no longer the boulders that once blocked me so completely. This magical place of Patagonia continues to alchemize these old thoughts and beliefs. This old energy living within me. It continues to hold up a mirror of incredible love that allows me to soften, to believe again.

So thank you Patagonia, thank you new moon. Thank you human self for surrendering your agenda to be going all day and to instead be soft and gentle and allow all of this to sift through my system. Thank you water for helping move this energy through, thank you for the sweet view of mountains and water and sky from my window. Thank you for snacks so I didn’t have to leave my room. Thank you for putting the computer down and letting me cry some more as all of this sinks in. Thank you for sleeping, for napping, for resting, thank you brain for quieting down. 

Thank you love, for showing me the way once again.  

Spreading the LOVE at Burning Man 2014.  

Spreading the LOVE at Burning Man 2014.  

Get out there and dance!

Yesterday I curled up on a chair with a view of the lake and watched the Mexican movie Gloria. It's been on my iTunes for a long time...but yesterday as I digested all that's happened these last few weeks, as I struggled with where I still bump up against being vulnerable, sharing my heart, with those words getting caught in my throat, with where my wild heart is still domesticated...As I digested so much goodness, so much love. As I realize I have so much more love to give and receive, I was guided to watch Gloria. I savored the ending of this movie (which is so worth watching, I included it below) if even for a little dance break.

I needed this reminder, that these past few years I have done the work and it's my time to be on the dance floor, to open my arms to the world and let the love flow. To dance my dance. To sing my song. To trust my heart. That my presence is my gift. To be tender, to be gentle, to climb mountaintops, to sleep under the stars, to dance salsa, to ask for hugs, to sit in the morning dawn of Patagonia. To savor each moment. To welcome in all these different tones of love.

These are different lyrics than the Laura Brannigan version I grew up with and seem so much more in line with what I needed to hear. The song is sung by Umberto Tozzi, which I love considering I've been surrounded by Spanish and Italian these last few weeks. 

Here's to the glory of letting our beautiful wild hearts guide us, so we can all give and receive more love. And have those tender and wild places that we all have within us met with great care. Here's to getting out on the dance floor and doing our dance.

You’re missing in the air
Your presence is missing
Warm innocence
You’re missing in my mouth that without wanting to names you
And I will write my story with the word

Because here next to you the morning lights up
the truth and the lie are called Gloria

You’re missing in the air
You’re missing in the sky,
Burn me in your fire
Melt the snow
That freezes my chest
I await you Gloria.
Field of smiles
Water in the desert,
Open heart
Adventure of my mind,
My table, and my bed
Of the garden of my present
I await you Gloria

For whom the day waits
And while everyone sleeps,
With the memory invents
Aroma amongst the trees
In a magical land
For whom fog breathes
For whom rage breathes

You melting in her kisses
You disrobe provocatively
And I make shadows on the ceiling
Thinking of Gloria

You’re missing in the air
You’re missing in the sky,
Burn me in your fire
Melt the snow
That freezes my chest
I await you Gloria.

Gloria, Gloria, smiles (Gloria)
Water in the desert
(Gloria) open heart (Gloria)
Adventure of my mind my table
And my bed in my garden this you hope Glory

Gloria, (Gloria)
Field of smiles (Gloria)
Water in the desert, (Gloria)
Open heart (Gloria)
Adventure of my mind,
My table, and my bed
Of the garden of my present
I await you Gloria.

Feeling magic in the air

I get settled into my sweet room back at Hotel Tunquelen on the shores of Lake Nahuel Huapi. Excited to see what will unfold today, feeling some magic in the air. I want to go into town to buy some gifts for the family: beer, wine and chocolate. A little thank you for all they’ve done for me. I write yesterday’s post and it takes so long as there is so much to digest after my 6 days on the island, after 42 years on this planet this go around.

One of the cousins is headed near town to a Carneceria, to get some meat for an asado (barbecue) for friends that are attending a wedding at the hotel tomorrow. After 6 days on the island I am dreading a bit the thought of going into a bustling city…but this Carneceria is located a bit outside of town. I will head in with him to get the beer and he can take it back in his car while I take the bus into town for good chocolate. We arrive and it’s a grocery store and I realize I can get almost everything I need here so I will not have to go into town. Thank you universe.

This is one of my favorite things to do while traveling: grocery shopping. I am delighted to wander the aisles, finding the big bottles of local Patagonia beer, a good bottle of Malbec for the uncles. I help the cousin get things he needs for his BBQ: aluminum foil, eggs…trying to find sweets for his grandmother and I love this. I love doing these everyday things in a different country.

And so I tell him I would be happy to help with the asado…after so many days of being so inwardly focused I so desire to be of service and to do something simple like cut tomatoes. When we get back to the family’s house we unpack the groceries and he takes me out to the outdoor fire pit. A thing of beauty. This creation for asado. Bricks. Out in nature. The bottle of the Malbec is opened for us to enjoy as we start preparing the fire and food. I am sent off with one of the younger cousins to gather wood and pine cones. I am chopping ham and cheese to scramble with eggs and put into green bell peppers that get wrapped up in aluminum foil and cooked in the fire along with potatoes. Some guests arrive. I find a large candle and then pick some flowers and greens for the table to make it beautiful.

More cousins arrive and we end up in the kitchen making empanadas with blood sausage, cutting bread, tomatoes, laughing, I am being teased, the music is playing, the cousins are dancing together. Total, complete joy. Something even better.

This is it. This moment is what it’s been about for me. This moment of hearing different languages, sounds, tasting new foods, helping create them. Opening bottles of wine for guests, getting things from the kitchen for the chef outside. Bringing more glasses out, talking with new friends. Hugging people, putting one woman at ease who feels she shouldn’t be there because she is a cousin of the groom..I tell her I’m a hotel guest so she should definitely be there. I meet a soul sister and we sit on a bench talking for a long time. I am brought bites of food by her date, he is making sure I am taken care of too and I am so grateful for that gesture. There is a dance party in front of the fire and at the end of the night there are hugs.

And so it doesn’t matter that I don’t have a home. I got to do some of my favorite things in the world today. I got to help create and receive communion, beauty, delicious food. I got to speak in several languages (badly, but done), meet a soul sister, laugh with new friends, dance outside.

I got to give and receive love.

And it is such a beautiful reminder for me to follow my wild ways. To keep trusting this is the life I am here to live. To keep using my heart, pleasure and intuition as my guide.

Thank you universe. More please.