My body versus my mind

After I wrote this post, I went for a walk. Part of me was raring to go and my body asked me to slow down, to lay on this beach for a time, to just be. To let my body have some time to rest, this body that has held so much in. This body that wanted to lay and feel the sun on it for awhile. My mind is having a hard time calming down. It wants to know what is next, it wants to go.

I lay on the beach. In the sun, in the shade. I slowly make my way up the hill. My body asking me to go so ever slowly…my brain chasing the wind. My body just needs some time. Some time to integrate this shift, to move this energy through. It needs to allow nature to heal it and support it without my brain trying to understand everything.

And then I feel the energy pick up, I feel my bodies desire to move. I tune into my bodies guidance and follow the energy to a path on the right..it takes me into the wild of this island. No real path- more deer and wild boar tracks than anything. For 25 minutes I use my body to navigate my way through this terrain, sensing that each step is re-establishing some connection to my wise body. Re-creating trust. And I feel some panic creep in at moments, that lovely ego that wants me to be afraid. WILD BOAR! You’ll get LOST! (it’s an island and i have my phone). I breathe through this fear and keep tuning into my bodies guidance, down to the water and then looping back up..to a very lovely wide trail. And I take this trail and as I walk I let my younger self (see yesterday’s post) just talk and talk…about every fear she has about this man, about men…she is funny, irreverent, doing her best, she is scared, uncertain, (meaning I am) and she just lets it rip..moving all that energy through. God bless her. Goddess bless me.

And I emerge from the woods to see my new friends playing frisbee. I enjoy some chocolate fig cake- pursula fittchi and then a group of us go a hike to a lookout point. And as we get to the lookout place of this vast terrain where the Chilean and Argentinian mountains mingle with one another. Where we see the ash of the volcano. Where there is water of so many shades of blue and green it is breathtaking. Where I feel my shoulders relax, my body melt into pacha mama.

I feel it.

This incomparable connection to self, to nature. This sense that I am in a place of great magic, of great power and wisdom. That these lakes, trees and mountains are the purest form of love. That they are sacred. Just as I am. Just as you are. I feel humbled to be in the place. To be in Argentina looking at mountains in Chile. To feel a sense of communion that calms my entire soul and body. To feel connected to this sacred part of me that is so powerful. To have such clarity, such knowing, to feel so soft. so tender, so whole and so open. She encourages me to write. I pray to be a conduit for this wisdom, for this wisdom to move through me in the highest form of integrity. For this wisdom to be part of how I walk the world. For this knowing and groundedness to be with me wherever I go. I know this is

all i know is that I am connected to this land. something brought me here. A knowing, a trust, that I feel as i sink into

And then I walk with a woman who is so similar to me in so many ways. Such a beautiful free spirit, in a moment of individuation, of excavating cultural and family beliefs versus her own wild, her own values. We speak of fathers and daughters, of wanting them to change and, ironically being angry that they are wanting us to change, we speak of love, of learning what it is and how it feels to us. We speak of the power of touch and gentleness. She listens as I process about learning to ask for what I want in a world that I don’t know how to navigate. That all these unconscious agreements confuse me. At Burning Man I feel a shared commitment to communication, to honesty, to asking for hugs, for tenderness. I get how it works there. Out here. Shit. Out here, I feel lost. So I am learning, learning to communicate, learning to ask for what I want. Learning that I can have Burning Man anywhere in my life. On that platform looking out at nature I feel so solid, so grounded, so knowing.

And as I go into the lodge I know I need to ask for what I want. For one of the men there to massage my shoulder which is so sore and tight from a fall earlier in the day (the universes way of getting me back in my body and it worked perfectly). This is what I needed. Asking for some help, from a man. Learning I get to receive tenderness, from a man. Learning, Practice. Universe Providing.

Thank you.

The wisdom of Yogi tea

There are these moments that stop you. That make you wonder- how can I be so competent and confident in other parts of life and how can i not just ask a man for a hug? What about that seems so foreign? How can I not just sit on a couch and enjoy this connection, this touching of shoulders and hips? How have I gone so long without this? What part of me thinks this is not possible? Or that I have to WORK VERY HARD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Yesterday I made myself a cup of Yogi tea and the tag on the bag said “let them come to you” I knew exactly what this was about. Stop. Allow. Sit. I bundled up in my comfy clothes and sat by the fire and drank tea, watched ‘Inside Out’ moved through so many emotions. And then I didn’t trust. I didn’t believe that this goodness, this sweetness could simply come to me, especially in the form of a man. I didn’t know I could just ask for the hug I needed. I didn’t know this tone of energy with a man outside of Burning Man. Of spending time just sharing photos, telling stories, sitting next to one another. That this would be so damn nourishing to my soul and body. I haven’t had much of this the past 9 years..actually I’m not sure I’ve experienced that at all. I didn’t date in high school or college, I married my first boyfriend and have been single for the past 9 years. There have been some fun make-outs but no just sitting together in front of a fire on a comfy couch and being. And it felt delicious. And it wasn’t about sex. It was about feeling held in a soft way, in a gentle way that I needed in that moment. And then I didn’t know how to ask for what I really wanted. Can we sit here longer? Can you give me a long hug and then we say goodnight? Or can we snuggle for awhile? Can you help nourish me? And I adorably freaked out and said weird things and felt awkward and then went upstairs alone…My brain thinking and thinking and thinking. I slept for about 30 minutes and at 2am I came back downstairs, got some tea and sat on that comfy couch for a few hours and wrote.

And this morning, I woke up so slowly, so incredibly slowly- this ‘teenager’ part of me wanting to bolt out and say goodbye to friends I’d met, to be part of that energy and a much wiser part of me kept me in bed, where I drifted in and out of sleep. Where I sunk into my pillow for awhile and softened around all of this. And then I tuned in to this teenager energy, this girl/young woman who always thinks she has to be in movement to receive. To be seen. To be loved. The girl who was ASB President, Valedictorian, Candy Striper, Journalist, Band Member, overly involved in clubs. The girl who only stopped when she got sick for a week or two. The girl who really wanted a boy to ask her to prom. To hold her hand. To kiss. The girl who had a day planner since she was 10. The girl who knew how to do and very little about how to be. And sometimes she still runs the show. When she gets scared, when there is something she wants so desperately, she can run the other way when it is coming to her, because she doesn’t believe it can come to her easily, doesn’t believe it will stay, be sustained. The girl who is so empathic she picks up everyone’s energy and emotions and tries to solve it and heal it for them. Even at her expense. She watches soap operas and enjoys tubs of ice cream in her closet late at night.

This teenager who believes anything having to do with men and intimacy means it has to include intercourse or sex, so she has shied away from it. Not believing you can have men as dear friends, or enjoy making out, hand holding. Not believing they would stop. Not believing, they too might be starving for a cuddle, for a long hug. That she can be the one to ask and create something better for the both of you. So not believing that.

And as I continue to tune into this energy. I hear her talking to me. This girl from so long ago and so near. Who tells me her secret. She is tired. She is confused. She wants to lay down on the grass and feel the sun. She wants to have a boy hold her hand and feel safe. She wants to have her forehead kissed. She wants to know how to do this, to experience it. She cries with the weight of all this. Of all the pretense of knowing what she was doing. Of feeling she always had to be moving. So instead of being angry at her as I have been on and off. I welcome her in to my heart. I feel her pain, her confusion, her yearning. I feel her exhaustion. I feel her sadness and grief. And I let her cry it out and tell me everything. Tell me more. Tell me everything you have felt and thought. I am here. i am not pushing you away. I want to know everything about you. And she does.

And then I go outside so we can lay on the grass. I put on some music and we dance through this. Coming back to our wise body. Moving this old energy through what has been trapped in some part of my body. Needing unconditional love to alchemize it. As always I let the universe choose my play list and every song is perfect. They are about romance, love, surrender, about magic, I start with Damien Rice’s Delicate. “With the words you've borrowed. From the only place you've know.”

There are no more tears: the energy is now of possibility, of delight, new tones to play with, new ideas to believe in. Earned It, Crazy in Love, The Story…

I lay on the grass listening to Give Us Love by Ed Sheeran enjoying the clouds, the birds, the wind. I let this part of me be. We don’t need to leap up and go on the next thing. There is no rush. There is no fear we will miss out. The universe is far too kind for that. We are loved, which means we don’t have to work at being love.

“let them come to you”

Let love come to you with so much ease. Let the music move you, the old energy move through you and welcome in more love that we ever imagined.

And it is not about making this man understand all of this, this lovely man who has held space for me to be 13, 18, 26, 36…he is a gift for me to grow with. A beautiful gift that I am so grateful for. Because I get to receive too. Love gets to come to me in all different forms. The perfect song. A fresh avocado. A hug. Snuggling on the sofa. Laying in the sun. All of this is love. Which my teenager is now understanding. All these shades and tones of love. All of this richness, this possibility that is so much more vast than she or I ever imagined. So here I am. Doing my best to allow the love to come to me, with ease and grace.

Thank you universe, thank you yogi teas, thank you body for holding all of this, thank you body for helping me alchemize it, thank you for helping me heal and grow and believe more and more in gentleness and love.

thank you thank you.

So full of love and goodness

There are days that are so full of love and goodness, where my heart gets so full that I have to take a break and move through the energy. Today was so one of these days. I slept in and took a nice slow morning. I felt my desires for this year as I lay there in bed. My desire to experience so much more play, more levity, more passion, more truth, more of me being in the world. I felt the call to experience more of my wild. I went down to the pool and chatted with new friends about their experiences with Machu Picchu getting great info about options on how to spend time in such a sacred space during the rainy season. I wrote for a bit. And then at 3pm headed over to this exquisite out door barbecue- where I got to taste Argentinian Lamb for the first time, enjoy some lentil salad which reminded me of home. The elderly man sitting near me asked me about 5 times, "Where of you live?" I kept explaining in spanish. And his son kept explaining and I'm not sure he ever believed me that I don't have a home right now, that I am my home. That right now my home is La Isla Victoria. My home is me.

And it feels like home. I remember this. I remember how when I am in flow and follow guidance how everywhere I am has a sense of home. How the universe knows far better than I do where the magic is for me. I remember how I was trekking in Nepal I became so present to life. To set one foot in front of the other, to the vista that was in front of me and nothing else. I remember how easily I would lose this once back in the day to day of it all. I remember how it feels to be in my heart and to live from this place. To be present to what is in front of me. I remember that is something i have always felt, that I have experienced these snap shots of this life since I was a teenager. I had a sense of me being a traveler, of kneeling down on the lands of Africa volunteering, of working in a bakery for a day to be of service. Of holding people in silence. I had these images of my life, so strong, and so so different than university, career, marriage. So so different from many of my friends.

I had these feelings of freedom, incredible love and communion. I understood this deeply..even as a little girl I understood that we are all one, that love wins. And I got so caught up in the 'path' of an upper class American woman that I completely lost sight of those feelings as my guide. I lost sight that they were important and they mattered. I lost sight that these feelings are me.

I got cautious, I got afraid, I stopped jumping off cliffs in big ways. I bit my tongue, I ignored by heart and bodies guidance. I stayed in a marriage for years longer thinking my way into making it work. I worked at jobs that didn't engage me.

In my domestication to stay safe, to stay loved I quit living those images I felt so strongly. I belittled them and thought them unimportant, or thought of them as something to experience fleetingly or on vacation rather than everyday. I took on the images that others, our culture presented to me making so many choices unconsciously. Or I would experience moments of them- dancing on mountaintops, volunteering in Africa for a day, and feel so completely at home, so completely at ease with myself, so powerful and then set that aside to fit in. To get 'back on track.'

This has been my pattern these last 9 years. These trips on the inner and outer planes that take me so close to who I am, then disapproval from external sources, then disapproval from myself and then getting back on a track that is so not mine to be on. And in all of this I guess I came to believe that it had to be hard. This business of being me. Because being off track is hard. It's shitty. It's painful. It got me so far out of my heart, my essence, my purpose this business of trying to fit in. It got me sick, lonely, celibate, and curled up on my couch in Seattle for years. It got me a sense of shame, of feeling others lives (who were either on the "path" or a complete rockstar in a big unique way -think Gaga) were more important.

And today: after a day of beauty, of delicious foods, speaking Spanglish, laughing about jabon con lavender versus jamon con lavender (lavender soap versus ham with lavender), after helping clean up the barbecue, swimming far in a cold lake with a new friend, laughing while swimming about burping up chorizo, walking barefoot and crawling over logs to catch the sunset, talking about music and discovering we both rock out to Christina Aguilera's Dirty and what we think is romantic (agreeing that men with guitars singing to you is such a turn on), sipping mate as the sun sets, after walking barefoot up the stairs at 9:30 at night singing a silly song I made up in Spanish, after feeling so alive in my body after years of excessive soap opera watching and pushing down my emotions and needs with food, denying my bodies aliveness, after taking a shower, laying down for a few minutes to reset, after getting up and having a cry about how amazing life is, after honoring I needed no dinner even if it is included because I am still full from lunch, after walking downstairs to the library and seeing the stars in this Patagonian sky and crying again because there is a flow to life that feels like a miracle.

And this younger girl inside of me is so grateful, so relieved to know these feelings, these images she's been denying for so long are indeed

her beautiful, beautiful truth.

It is my flow. It is my purpose. A day full of wild, play love. A life full of wild, play, love. A day full of ease, grace, emotion, beauty, service. A day of raising vibrations, of leading new adventures. There is no shame, no other track to get on. This is not a phase. And after so many years of back and forth, back and forth I feel a profound sense of peace, of gratitude.

I get some tea and sit on a cozy couch and am guided to watch "Inside Out." and see the part where Joy realizes that Sadness has a part in creating Joy. That it is Sadness which brings about miracles, help, angels, guides, friends, books, experiences to get to Joy. And I start tearing up again because it was my Sadness in being me, my deep profound sadness and grief that brought me to the Joy of being me.

At last, at so very long last there is so much delight in this.

I get to travel and be love. I get to receive and give in every breathe. Dance on mountaintops looking out at stunning vistas created by mother earth. I get to appreciate seasons, cycles, being a woman. I get to camp in tents and stay at friends beautiful homes. I get to splurge on incredible lodges now and again. I get to be of service every day. I get to be intuitive, empathic, goddessly, witchy, emotional. I get to be silly, irreverent, funny.

I get to be ME.

And it seems like the very most perfect way to start 2016.

And in the spirit of Spanglish, as I told one of the lodge hosts when she asked me how I was.

Bien, so bien.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I woke up this morning understanding that it is in every moment I create my life. That I can choose to express, embrace my wild. That it is in these small moments of choosing to dance, to hug, to caress an arm when my body wants to reach out, when savoring a bite of pan dulce, when I take time to stretch and get in my body in the morning rather than rush, that I am truly creating my life. Moment by moment. Choice by choice.

Power. Creation. Possibility.

Am I brave enough to do what my body and heart guides me to?
Am I trusting enough to know that this is my very purpose?

To have this instinct, this guidance and to act on it.

That this is how my contribution looks in bringing more love and communion and harmony in the world. 
Creating more wild, more play, more love everyday regardless of where I am. 
Can I surrender to the divine and trust so completely? 
Can I believe my body is the very expression of the divine within me?

It's a work in progress but what I am understanding is that every time I don't, I not only create mistrust, more doubt within my system

I am not creating the very thing I am here to create, for myself and others.

I, and we, miss out on magic, romance, play, sex. I miss out on creating more joy in the world when I hesitate and adapt to what I was told or saw was 'correct.' I am so tired of this. Of hesitation. Of doubt. Of disapproval. Because when I DO reach out and caress, when I do tell a group of men wearing tuxedo's they are women's porn I see them all delight in this and one comes over and asks me to make out. Because when I dance on the mountaintop, savor chocolate, go skinny dipping, love my body, my wrinkles I am creating more love for myself and others. Oh, and it's fun. It's communion. It's enjoying what is here in front of me and alchemizing it into something even better.

There are still moments of hesitation. Moments when I don't go out on the balcony and say "Italian man help me out with my luggage" and then kiss him when he walks in the room. When I judge how much pan dulce I ate for new years, or didn't tell someone they have beautiful eyes, when I don't go to the Scottish Highlands to embrace my wild. I am lowering my vibe and others. I'm keeping myself separate from the divine and others. I'm contributing to judgment, separation.

And that is so not what I want or am here to do. I'm here to live with my wild heart and my wild body guiding the way. And to have my awesome brain back it up. not vice versa.

So this year, I desire to let my wild guide me, to trust it so completely, to delight in it, to roll around with it with such ease. to be proud of it, to create with it, and to see what I create in the world. Whether it's my burning man kissing booth moved to a balcony in Bariloche, Argentina. Whether it's dancing on a rock on New Years, hugging strangers, offering chocolate to subway workers, I desire to trust that it is these very small moments I am guided to that make up a life of love, of my truth. That this is my role in this grand orchestra of folks bringing more love to the world.

May this be a year where we all trust our wild more, where we release domestication and adaptation and show up in the world only in the way that we can: it could be as a parent, an employee, a boss, a scientist, driving a car, buying groceries. Every moment is a moment to create more truth and love. May we show up with our emotions on our sleeves, our hearts guiding the way- in harmony with our awesome brains, trusting our bodies guidance on where to go, what to eat, who to spend time with. Regardless of where we are in the world or what our day to day looks like, I believe its living our wild truth that creates more love and I really believe we could use so much more wild love in the world.

May your year be full of all that you desire: to experience and create. Wishing you so much love, sending you a giant hip circle of love from atop a rocking in Patagonia.

Travels in Argentina

My oh my how I love this magical universe I live in. Yesterday I took a boat to La Isla Victoria...a National Park in Argentina. I was sad to leave my new family at Hotel Tunquelen in Bariloche and excited/nervous for where I was guided to go as its new years. Before I leave I have an impulse to go out on the balcony and sing song in Spanglish for a man below to help me with my luggage, Dramatic, fun. I am delighted by this idea and yet when I hear him I don't go out. Some part of me resists. This domesticated good girl that has somehow learned to hesitate on her natural instincts. And I feel disappointment around this. Wondering how many times I've missed out on magic by second guessing the wisdom and guidance of my body. I realize so much of my heartache in my life has stemmed from this very thing.

On the boat ride out is an incredible Canadian woman- probably in her mid 60s, we immediately connect and speak of our last few years of movement, transition, transformation, learning to feel our feelings, we speak of the power of anger, of how I spent so much time seeking approval from the men in my life who didn't get my magic (no fault of their own, it just wasn't their thing) and how it was me who needed to see and own my magic, to create my life, to stand out on the balcony and call down to the man. To create that moment. Rather than waiting for him to come to me. We speak of her 29 year old daughter teaching her to say 'Fuck'. 'Mom, your French, own it, use your body.' We laugh. She tears up speaking of some grief she has pushed back and I speak of how I so learned to feel it. Batting cages, sobbing, throwing eggs. And yet my adorable brain can still get in the way- wanting to control it all.

And then I take a nap, awakening and being called for a hike and I discover that all I was talking about with my new Canadian friend is moving through me..anger for my domestication, for the disapproval of my magic, my emotions, I am stomping as I walk, so angry- not at myself which is lovely, but that domestication. That any mirror held up to me was in disapproval. That I don't out on the balcony or ask for the hug. I find myself at the shore line of the opposite side of this wild island, my body guiding me around the rocky surface....my body feeling so competent and strong as it moves over these rocks.

This I know. I know how to be in my body in this way. I see a large rock out in the distance, amidst the water. I know I am meant to go there. I scramble up and I scream with anger, I say FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. The anger moves through and I press shuffle on my dance playlist... and Let it Be comes on, then The Story by Brandi Carlisle..and i put it all in my dance. I come back to the joy of it all. My body feels so strong up there on that rock, as I look at the water and mountains of Patagonia. My shadow down below. There is no fear, no doubt. This is me in my most wild raw wise self. I dance and dance, the wind across my body, the sun shining on my face...smiles. Sensuality. Joy. Freedom, Desire. Yearning. Hope. Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India Arie comes on..it's been inside me all along, just have faith. I try.

I return via the previously sun lit water, shaded now, and know I must go into this chilly lake. I strip naked and walk in...saying to myself "i'm doing this, I'm doing this" and i dunk my entire body underwater. So glad to have move through my brain fear and just doing it! I feel alive. Enlivened. I feel like a mini purification ritual has occurred. I keep walking, along the shoreline, feeling softer and then a very quiet song comes on and I think to myself " I am so beautiful" and with that these ancient sobs come to the forefront. Why have i ever thought anything but this? Why have any of us? In one song I move through the grief and then one of my favorite Latin songs comes on and I am happily dancing my way again. I find a white feather and pick it up. I am called to take a right which leads up to a path and there in the middle of a branch on the ground is a black feather.

And I understand, this is the dance we all do. This movement between our dark and our light. feeling it all to find a harmony. I slow down and lay on a bench in the sun to just be and take in the trees, the sounds of the water lapping up on shore. i walk down to the pier and see some other guests who I met earlier. The sun is on this side of the island and the water much warmer, so I strip down to my underwear and bra and dive in. And as I look at the sunset, the colors of the trees, the snow, the water...I am in awe, delight. Thank you universe. Thank you.

Then on the dock welcoming the suns drying rays talking with C for awhile about domestication and wild, the divine feminine and masculine, the need for harmony within ourselves and our world. The Dalai Lama. Brain research and how the most recent layer of the brain, the latest evolutionary part is more about control, and how while this is a gift (hello penicillin) we must return to our bodies, our hearts as well. And how when we each do our own work and raise our consciousness and know we are connected and treat each other and ourselves with more love and respect, this is how we change the world. She speaks of research that shows when one person raises their consciousness how it impacts those around them. And while I don't need the data to trust this, I am so glad it is there for those who do. We part ways and I take a hot shower and then write here for awhile before heading downstairs for dinner.

So I am back now, 7 hours later at 4am in the morning. i have jumped a stair in honor of the new year, eaten 12 raisins in honor of each month of the year, sipped some incredible pinot noir and malbec, savored bites of incredible dishes from this region, eaten chocolate and almonds (a tradition here in Argentina), savored some pan de leche (think of it as the best fruit bread ever!), I've danced, sat outside with new friends talking in Spanish and English about travel, laughing about being the cousin from California, a table of ten all guessing my age between 28-32, I've poured wine, sipped more wine and water, helped wash dishes, packed food away, talked of death, hospice, grief, adventure travel, talked with a 17 year old about his desires for the new year (enjoying university and love....where were these men when i was 17?), hugged, kissed cheeks, savored, delighted, laughed, been moved, felt humbled and blessed. This is my life when I surrender-- beauty, travel, new experiences, beautiful people, joy, presence.

This is what the universe gifted me on this magical day. Being in my wild heart and body is so many different ways, slow stretching in the morning, being called to be outrageous on the balcony, communion with another human, resting, walking, swearing, dancing, skinny dipping, swimming, meandering, strolling, laying in the sun on the bench, savoring, wrapping up food.

This is where I am truly happiest, in my wild body, my wild heart.

And it is such a gift to wrap up 2015 in this way. To have come back to the woman who is so happy on top of a rock, dancing and singing as I commune with nature. I have missed her. I haven't known her long and I want more time with her and now I know it is completely my responsibility for that. Do I stay domesticated or do I reclaim and honor my beautiful wild?

I wish for all of us that this year brings more and more of us living our beautiful wild ways- this is what changes the world...and I believe is what the world is starving for. For touch, for tears, for swearing, for dancing, for feeling the sun, for sharing our hearts and our love with one another. We create it. We get to choose. So choose our wild. It's so beautiful. So are you.