After I wrote this post, I went for a walk. Part of me was raring to go and my body asked me to slow down, to lay on this beach for a time, to just be. To let my body have some time to rest, this body that has held so much in. This body that wanted to lay and feel the sun on it for awhile. My mind is having a hard time calming down. It wants to know what is next, it wants to go.
I lay on the beach. In the sun, in the shade. I slowly make my way up the hill. My body asking me to go so ever slowly…my brain chasing the wind. My body just needs some time. Some time to integrate this shift, to move this energy through. It needs to allow nature to heal it and support it without my brain trying to understand everything.
And then I feel the energy pick up, I feel my bodies desire to move. I tune into my bodies guidance and follow the energy to a path on the right..it takes me into the wild of this island. No real path- more deer and wild boar tracks than anything. For 25 minutes I use my body to navigate my way through this terrain, sensing that each step is re-establishing some connection to my wise body. Re-creating trust. And I feel some panic creep in at moments, that lovely ego that wants me to be afraid. WILD BOAR! You’ll get LOST! (it’s an island and i have my phone). I breathe through this fear and keep tuning into my bodies guidance, down to the water and then looping back up..to a very lovely wide trail. And I take this trail and as I walk I let my younger self (see yesterday’s post) just talk and talk…about every fear she has about this man, about men…she is funny, irreverent, doing her best, she is scared, uncertain, (meaning I am) and she just lets it rip..moving all that energy through. God bless her. Goddess bless me.
And I emerge from the woods to see my new friends playing frisbee. I enjoy some chocolate fig cake- pursula fittchi and then a group of us go a hike to a lookout point. And as we get to the lookout place of this vast terrain where the Chilean and Argentinian mountains mingle with one another. Where we see the ash of the volcano. Where there is water of so many shades of blue and green it is breathtaking. Where I feel my shoulders relax, my body melt into pacha mama.
I feel it.
This incomparable connection to self, to nature. This sense that I am in a place of great magic, of great power and wisdom. That these lakes, trees and mountains are the purest form of love. That they are sacred. Just as I am. Just as you are. I feel humbled to be in the place. To be in Argentina looking at mountains in Chile. To feel a sense of communion that calms my entire soul and body. To feel connected to this sacred part of me that is so powerful. To have such clarity, such knowing, to feel so soft. so tender, so whole and so open. She encourages me to write. I pray to be a conduit for this wisdom, for this wisdom to move through me in the highest form of integrity. For this wisdom to be part of how I walk the world. For this knowing and groundedness to be with me wherever I go. I know this is
all i know is that I am connected to this land. something brought me here. A knowing, a trust, that I feel as i sink into
And then I walk with a woman who is so similar to me in so many ways. Such a beautiful free spirit, in a moment of individuation, of excavating cultural and family beliefs versus her own wild, her own values. We speak of fathers and daughters, of wanting them to change and, ironically being angry that they are wanting us to change, we speak of love, of learning what it is and how it feels to us. We speak of the power of touch and gentleness. She listens as I process about learning to ask for what I want in a world that I don’t know how to navigate. That all these unconscious agreements confuse me. At Burning Man I feel a shared commitment to communication, to honesty, to asking for hugs, for tenderness. I get how it works there. Out here. Shit. Out here, I feel lost. So I am learning, learning to communicate, learning to ask for what I want. Learning that I can have Burning Man anywhere in my life. On that platform looking out at nature I feel so solid, so grounded, so knowing.
And as I go into the lodge I know I need to ask for what I want. For one of the men there to massage my shoulder which is so sore and tight from a fall earlier in the day (the universes way of getting me back in my body and it worked perfectly). This is what I needed. Asking for some help, from a man. Learning I get to receive tenderness, from a man. Learning, Practice. Universe Providing.