There are these moments that stop you. That make you wonder- how can I be so competent and confident in other parts of life and how can i not just ask a man for a hug? What about that seems so foreign? How can I not just sit on a couch and enjoy this connection, this touching of shoulders and hips? How have I gone so long without this? What part of me thinks this is not possible? Or that I have to WORK VERY HARD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Yesterday I made myself a cup of Yogi tea and the tag on the bag said “let them come to you” I knew exactly what this was about. Stop. Allow. Sit. I bundled up in my comfy clothes and sat by the fire and drank tea, watched ‘Inside Out’ moved through so many emotions. And then I didn’t trust. I didn’t believe that this goodness, this sweetness could simply come to me, especially in the form of a man. I didn’t know I could just ask for the hug I needed. I didn’t know this tone of energy with a man outside of Burning Man. Of spending time just sharing photos, telling stories, sitting next to one another. That this would be so damn nourishing to my soul and body. I haven’t had much of this the past 9 years..actually I’m not sure I’ve experienced that at all. I didn’t date in high school or college, I married my first boyfriend and have been single for the past 9 years. There have been some fun make-outs but no just sitting together in front of a fire on a comfy couch and being. And it felt delicious. And it wasn’t about sex. It was about feeling held in a soft way, in a gentle way that I needed in that moment. And then I didn’t know how to ask for what I really wanted. Can we sit here longer? Can you give me a long hug and then we say goodnight? Or can we snuggle for awhile? Can you help nourish me? And I adorably freaked out and said weird things and felt awkward and then went upstairs alone…My brain thinking and thinking and thinking. I slept for about 30 minutes and at 2am I came back downstairs, got some tea and sat on that comfy couch for a few hours and wrote.
And this morning, I woke up so slowly, so incredibly slowly- this ‘teenager’ part of me wanting to bolt out and say goodbye to friends I’d met, to be part of that energy and a much wiser part of me kept me in bed, where I drifted in and out of sleep. Where I sunk into my pillow for awhile and softened around all of this. And then I tuned in to this teenager energy, this girl/young woman who always thinks she has to be in movement to receive. To be seen. To be loved. The girl who was ASB President, Valedictorian, Candy Striper, Journalist, Band Member, overly involved in clubs. The girl who only stopped when she got sick for a week or two. The girl who really wanted a boy to ask her to prom. To hold her hand. To kiss. The girl who had a day planner since she was 10. The girl who knew how to do and very little about how to be. And sometimes she still runs the show. When she gets scared, when there is something she wants so desperately, she can run the other way when it is coming to her, because she doesn’t believe it can come to her easily, doesn’t believe it will stay, be sustained. The girl who is so empathic she picks up everyone’s energy and emotions and tries to solve it and heal it for them. Even at her expense. She watches soap operas and enjoys tubs of ice cream in her closet late at night.
This teenager who believes anything having to do with men and intimacy means it has to include intercourse or sex, so she has shied away from it. Not believing you can have men as dear friends, or enjoy making out, hand holding. Not believing they would stop. Not believing, they too might be starving for a cuddle, for a long hug. That she can be the one to ask and create something better for the both of you. So not believing that.
And as I continue to tune into this energy. I hear her talking to me. This girl from so long ago and so near. Who tells me her secret. She is tired. She is confused. She wants to lay down on the grass and feel the sun. She wants to have a boy hold her hand and feel safe. She wants to have her forehead kissed. She wants to know how to do this, to experience it. She cries with the weight of all this. Of all the pretense of knowing what she was doing. Of feeling she always had to be moving. So instead of being angry at her as I have been on and off. I welcome her in to my heart. I feel her pain, her confusion, her yearning. I feel her exhaustion. I feel her sadness and grief. And I let her cry it out and tell me everything. Tell me more. Tell me everything you have felt and thought. I am here. i am not pushing you away. I want to know everything about you. And she does.
And then I go outside so we can lay on the grass. I put on some music and we dance through this. Coming back to our wise body. Moving this old energy through what has been trapped in some part of my body. Needing unconditional love to alchemize it. As always I let the universe choose my play list and every song is perfect. They are about romance, love, surrender, about magic, I start with Damien Rice’s Delicate. “With the words you've borrowed. From the only place you've know.”
There are no more tears: the energy is now of possibility, of delight, new tones to play with, new ideas to believe in. Earned It, Crazy in Love, The Story…
I lay on the grass listening to Give Us Love by Ed Sheeran enjoying the clouds, the birds, the wind. I let this part of me be. We don’t need to leap up and go on the next thing. There is no rush. There is no fear we will miss out. The universe is far too kind for that. We are loved, which means we don’t have to work at being love.
“let them come to you”
Let love come to you with so much ease. Let the music move you, the old energy move through you and welcome in more love that we ever imagined.
And it is not about making this man understand all of this, this lovely man who has held space for me to be 13, 18, 26, 36…he is a gift for me to grow with. A beautiful gift that I am so grateful for. Because I get to receive too. Love gets to come to me in all different forms. The perfect song. A fresh avocado. A hug. Snuggling on the sofa. Laying in the sun. All of this is love. Which my teenager is now understanding. All these shades and tones of love. All of this richness, this possibility that is so much more vast than she or I ever imagined. So here I am. Doing my best to allow the love to come to me, with ease and grace.
Thank you universe, thank you yogi teas, thank you body for holding all of this, thank you body for helping me alchemize it, thank you for helping me heal and grow and believe more and more in gentleness and love.
thank you thank you.