My oh my how I love this magical universe I live in. Yesterday I took a boat to La Isla Victoria...a National Park in Argentina. I was sad to leave my new family at Hotel Tunquelen in Bariloche and excited/nervous for where I was guided to go as its new years. Before I leave I have an impulse to go out on the balcony and sing song in Spanglish for a man below to help me with my luggage, Dramatic, fun. I am delighted by this idea and yet when I hear him I don't go out. Some part of me resists. This domesticated good girl that has somehow learned to hesitate on her natural instincts. And I feel disappointment around this. Wondering how many times I've missed out on magic by second guessing the wisdom and guidance of my body. I realize so much of my heartache in my life has stemmed from this very thing.
On the boat ride out is an incredible Canadian woman- probably in her mid 60s, we immediately connect and speak of our last few years of movement, transition, transformation, learning to feel our feelings, we speak of the power of anger, of how I spent so much time seeking approval from the men in my life who didn't get my magic (no fault of their own, it just wasn't their thing) and how it was me who needed to see and own my magic, to create my life, to stand out on the balcony and call down to the man. To create that moment. Rather than waiting for him to come to me. We speak of her 29 year old daughter teaching her to say 'Fuck'. 'Mom, your French, own it, use your body.' We laugh. She tears up speaking of some grief she has pushed back and I speak of how I so learned to feel it. Batting cages, sobbing, throwing eggs. And yet my adorable brain can still get in the way- wanting to control it all.
And then I take a nap, awakening and being called for a hike and I discover that all I was talking about with my new Canadian friend is moving through me..anger for my domestication, for the disapproval of my magic, my emotions, I am stomping as I walk, so angry- not at myself which is lovely, but that domestication. That any mirror held up to me was in disapproval. That I don't out on the balcony or ask for the hug. I find myself at the shore line of the opposite side of this wild island, my body guiding me around the rocky surface....my body feeling so competent and strong as it moves over these rocks.
This I know. I know how to be in my body in this way. I see a large rock out in the distance, amidst the water. I know I am meant to go there. I scramble up and I scream with anger, I say FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. The anger moves through and I press shuffle on my dance playlist... and Let it Be comes on, then The Story by Brandi Carlisle..and i put it all in my dance. I come back to the joy of it all. My body feels so strong up there on that rock, as I look at the water and mountains of Patagonia. My shadow down below. There is no fear, no doubt. This is me in my most wild raw wise self. I dance and dance, the wind across my body, the sun shining on my face...smiles. Sensuality. Joy. Freedom, Desire. Yearning. Hope. Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India Arie comes on..it's been inside me all along, just have faith. I try.
I return via the previously sun lit water, shaded now, and know I must go into this chilly lake. I strip naked and walk in...saying to myself "i'm doing this, I'm doing this" and i dunk my entire body underwater. So glad to have move through my brain fear and just doing it! I feel alive. Enlivened. I feel like a mini purification ritual has occurred. I keep walking, along the shoreline, feeling softer and then a very quiet song comes on and I think to myself " I am so beautiful" and with that these ancient sobs come to the forefront. Why have i ever thought anything but this? Why have any of us? In one song I move through the grief and then one of my favorite Latin songs comes on and I am happily dancing my way again. I find a white feather and pick it up. I am called to take a right which leads up to a path and there in the middle of a branch on the ground is a black feather.
And I understand, this is the dance we all do. This movement between our dark and our light. feeling it all to find a harmony. I slow down and lay on a bench in the sun to just be and take in the trees, the sounds of the water lapping up on shore. i walk down to the pier and see some other guests who I met earlier. The sun is on this side of the island and the water much warmer, so I strip down to my underwear and bra and dive in. And as I look at the sunset, the colors of the trees, the snow, the water...I am in awe, delight. Thank you universe. Thank you.
Then on the dock welcoming the suns drying rays talking with C for awhile about domestication and wild, the divine feminine and masculine, the need for harmony within ourselves and our world. The Dalai Lama. Brain research and how the most recent layer of the brain, the latest evolutionary part is more about control, and how while this is a gift (hello penicillin) we must return to our bodies, our hearts as well. And how when we each do our own work and raise our consciousness and know we are connected and treat each other and ourselves with more love and respect, this is how we change the world. She speaks of research that shows when one person raises their consciousness how it impacts those around them. And while I don't need the data to trust this, I am so glad it is there for those who do. We part ways and I take a hot shower and then write here for awhile before heading downstairs for dinner.
So I am back now, 7 hours later at 4am in the morning. i have jumped a stair in honor of the new year, eaten 12 raisins in honor of each month of the year, sipped some incredible pinot noir and malbec, savored bites of incredible dishes from this region, eaten chocolate and almonds (a tradition here in Argentina), savored some pan de leche (think of it as the best fruit bread ever!), I've danced, sat outside with new friends talking in Spanish and English about travel, laughing about being the cousin from California, a table of ten all guessing my age between 28-32, I've poured wine, sipped more wine and water, helped wash dishes, packed food away, talked of death, hospice, grief, adventure travel, talked with a 17 year old about his desires for the new year (enjoying university and love....where were these men when i was 17?), hugged, kissed cheeks, savored, delighted, laughed, been moved, felt humbled and blessed. This is my life when I surrender-- beauty, travel, new experiences, beautiful people, joy, presence.
This is what the universe gifted me on this magical day. Being in my wild heart and body is so many different ways, slow stretching in the morning, being called to be outrageous on the balcony, communion with another human, resting, walking, swearing, dancing, skinny dipping, swimming, meandering, strolling, laying in the sun on the bench, savoring, wrapping up food.
This is where I am truly happiest, in my wild body, my wild heart.
And it is such a gift to wrap up 2015 in this way. To have come back to the woman who is so happy on top of a rock, dancing and singing as I commune with nature. I have missed her. I haven't known her long and I want more time with her and now I know it is completely my responsibility for that. Do I stay domesticated or do I reclaim and honor my beautiful wild?
I wish for all of us that this year brings more and more of us living our beautiful wild ways- this is what changes the world...and I believe is what the world is starving for. For touch, for tears, for swearing, for dancing, for feeling the sun, for sharing our hearts and our love with one another. We create it. We get to choose. So choose our wild. It's so beautiful. So are you.