There are days that are so full of love and goodness, where my heart gets so full that I have to take a break and move through the energy. Today was so one of these days. I slept in and took a nice slow morning. I felt my desires for this year as I lay there in bed. My desire to experience so much more play, more levity, more passion, more truth, more of me being in the world. I felt the call to experience more of my wild. I went down to the pool and chatted with new friends about their experiences with Machu Picchu getting great info about options on how to spend time in such a sacred space during the rainy season. I wrote for a bit. And then at 3pm headed over to this exquisite out door barbecue- where I got to taste Argentinian Lamb for the first time, enjoy some lentil salad which reminded me of home. The elderly man sitting near me asked me about 5 times, "Where of you live?" I kept explaining in spanish. And his son kept explaining and I'm not sure he ever believed me that I don't have a home right now, that I am my home. That right now my home is La Isla Victoria. My home is me.
And it feels like home. I remember this. I remember how when I am in flow and follow guidance how everywhere I am has a sense of home. How the universe knows far better than I do where the magic is for me. I remember how I was trekking in Nepal I became so present to life. To set one foot in front of the other, to the vista that was in front of me and nothing else. I remember how easily I would lose this once back in the day to day of it all. I remember how it feels to be in my heart and to live from this place. To be present to what is in front of me. I remember that is something i have always felt, that I have experienced these snap shots of this life since I was a teenager. I had a sense of me being a traveler, of kneeling down on the lands of Africa volunteering, of working in a bakery for a day to be of service. Of holding people in silence. I had these images of my life, so strong, and so so different than university, career, marriage. So so different from many of my friends.
I had these feelings of freedom, incredible love and communion. I understood this deeply..even as a little girl I understood that we are all one, that love wins. And I got so caught up in the 'path' of an upper class American woman that I completely lost sight of those feelings as my guide. I lost sight that they were important and they mattered. I lost sight that these feelings are me.
I got cautious, I got afraid, I stopped jumping off cliffs in big ways. I bit my tongue, I ignored by heart and bodies guidance. I stayed in a marriage for years longer thinking my way into making it work. I worked at jobs that didn't engage me.
In my domestication to stay safe, to stay loved I quit living those images I felt so strongly. I belittled them and thought them unimportant, or thought of them as something to experience fleetingly or on vacation rather than everyday. I took on the images that others, our culture presented to me making so many choices unconsciously. Or I would experience moments of them- dancing on mountaintops, volunteering in Africa for a day, and feel so completely at home, so completely at ease with myself, so powerful and then set that aside to fit in. To get 'back on track.'
This has been my pattern these last 9 years. These trips on the inner and outer planes that take me so close to who I am, then disapproval from external sources, then disapproval from myself and then getting back on a track that is so not mine to be on. And in all of this I guess I came to believe that it had to be hard. This business of being me. Because being off track is hard. It's shitty. It's painful. It got me so far out of my heart, my essence, my purpose this business of trying to fit in. It got me sick, lonely, celibate, and curled up on my couch in Seattle for years. It got me a sense of shame, of feeling others lives (who were either on the "path" or a complete rockstar in a big unique way -think Gaga) were more important.
And today: after a day of beauty, of delicious foods, speaking Spanglish, laughing about jabon con lavender versus jamon con lavender (lavender soap versus ham with lavender), after helping clean up the barbecue, swimming far in a cold lake with a new friend, laughing while swimming about burping up chorizo, walking barefoot and crawling over logs to catch the sunset, talking about music and discovering we both rock out to Christina Aguilera's Dirty and what we think is romantic (agreeing that men with guitars singing to you is such a turn on), sipping mate as the sun sets, after walking barefoot up the stairs at 9:30 at night singing a silly song I made up in Spanish, after feeling so alive in my body after years of excessive soap opera watching and pushing down my emotions and needs with food, denying my bodies aliveness, after taking a shower, laying down for a few minutes to reset, after getting up and having a cry about how amazing life is, after honoring I needed no dinner even if it is included because I am still full from lunch, after walking downstairs to the library and seeing the stars in this Patagonian sky and crying again because there is a flow to life that feels like a miracle.
And this younger girl inside of me is so grateful, so relieved to know these feelings, these images she's been denying for so long are indeed
her beautiful, beautiful truth.
It is my flow. It is my purpose. A day full of wild, play love. A life full of wild, play, love. A day full of ease, grace, emotion, beauty, service. A day of raising vibrations, of leading new adventures. There is no shame, no other track to get on. This is not a phase. And after so many years of back and forth, back and forth I feel a profound sense of peace, of gratitude.
I get some tea and sit on a cozy couch and am guided to watch "Inside Out." and see the part where Joy realizes that Sadness has a part in creating Joy. That it is Sadness which brings about miracles, help, angels, guides, friends, books, experiences to get to Joy. And I start tearing up again because it was my Sadness in being me, my deep profound sadness and grief that brought me to the Joy of being me.
At last, at so very long last there is so much delight in this.
I get to travel and be love. I get to receive and give in every breathe. Dance on mountaintops looking out at stunning vistas created by mother earth. I get to appreciate seasons, cycles, being a woman. I get to camp in tents and stay at friends beautiful homes. I get to splurge on incredible lodges now and again. I get to be of service every day. I get to be intuitive, empathic, goddessly, witchy, emotional. I get to be silly, irreverent, funny.
I get to be ME.
And it seems like the very most perfect way to start 2016.
And in the spirit of Spanglish, as I told one of the lodge hosts when she asked me how I was.
Bien, so bien.