I'm on day 4 in Bariloche, Argentina and indeed it has been full of magic. So much magic it takes my breath away as I type this. I have been met with love at every turn. The love of this land- which is so stunningly beautiful it moves me with humility to know I have been called to experience it. To engage with it. The love of its people- meeting a family who runs the hotel I'm staying at and eating dinners with them, inciting a whats app conversation amongst them about the la prima (the cousin) from california. Being held by them. Meeting a man who on and off shares his heart with me, who opens me up to mine and to my body, to my true desires. An incredible gift as he whispers Italian into my ear, caresses my arm. The things I have so been craving that this in itself feels like the grandest miracle possible. Going slow. Being offline. Getting back in to my body. Into presence. Into flow. Being held by the sun, the land.
Other magic? Tomorrow I will take a boat out to De Isla Victoria. A National Park that has an incredible hotel on it, owned by the same family. I traveled there yesterday and it is sacred land. The minute I arrived I felt some part of me that has been lost since September arrive back. Amidst a grove of trees I remembered my knowing. My being the lady of the vale. Of having such wisdom and knowledge. Today as I sat on rock and looked out at lakes and mountains i felt my entire system relax. This is where I feel most at home. In the wild. Amongst the trees, the sun, the water...everything makes sense to me here. There is no worry of cellulite, of Kanye and Kim, of no wheat/no dairy, of tension or struggle, or question. All there is is the moment. The beauty in front of me.
I never know how a day will unfold. I ask for magic, for pleasure, ease, sensuality, sexuality, for wild, for play, for love. Today I woke up in the arms of this Italian whispering to me that I have a beautiful day. Then I ate breakfast and went back to bed for an hour before hiking into the woods for hours and being present to the sky, the emotions it moved within me, the beauty, the astounding beauty of it all. the astounding beauty of all of us. Then I danced my out of the trail, so happy and in delight with life. Some time sitting on a picnic table, my mind racing to get back to my hotel, to the what's next with the man chapter and my body wanting to slow down and just sit at this table and stare at the trees and the blue sky. Then wandering for a water and relaxing at a picnic table to daydream about said man. What do I desire with this person? Some heart. Some communion. Sharing more of our lives.
I return to the hotel and when I head down to the lounge in my pleasure to write, there he is. And over a cafe and white wine we share more of our last year. We talk of movement, of change, of transition, of all that happened. Perhaps my voice is a higher pitch and less grounded than if sharing with a friend..but I am sharing none the less. I share my kissing booth story and later on am inspired to walk into the room where he is working and give him a loving kiss with a side of nibble. I do this for me. Because this is what my wild wants. Because this is what has been what's been waiting to come out. This trusting that what my body wants to do is as beautiful and divine as the vistas I saw earlier in the day. That there is no need to shove this part of me aside. For it is wise. And needed. And I'm sorry but how fun to walk in and kiss a beautiful man for MY pleasure! Hallelujah.
As I write this I realize each moment is for me to take ownership for a greater sense of my true desires. to speak more directly, more honestly. To tell him what it is I want. And I am doing it, although it feels more like my 16 year old talking with him, then my wise self since this is the very first time I am truly doing this. Asking for what I want. Kisses, Caresses, heart sharing. It is all so new to me and all that I have yearned for my entire life.
So this is all happening amongst the backdrop of Bariloche, Argentina. A place of such vast beauty it inspires wild living. It inspires me to be more honest as adorably wobbly as it is. At least I am doing it. And amongst all of this, amongst all of this new, there is the old. An email from my former husband thanking me for sharing videos of our time together, asking if he can borrow the camera to take footage of his two beautiful children. And I cry a bit with such delight that this man who i loved so completely and so beautifully in the way I could in my 20s in the way I knew how at that time, in the way I was meant to love him and then leave him...that we have come to a place where he is borrowing the very video camera my parents gifted us on our wedding day to take videos of his children. And my answer in a resounding yes. Yes. use the camera. yes take footage of the children that you so wanted and I so didn't. Yes to celebrating where we are in this moment, me in argentina, he married with babies in the states. yes. Use the camera. Take so much footage of your beautiful life. Yes.
And I am called to send an email to my brother who I have not spoken with in three years to say I apologize, I forgive, I forget and the very essence of that mail ties me up in a few knots and sets me free. And during all of this I yearn for love, for some sweet touch, some arms to hold me close and to know me and whisper to me "i love you. you are so beautiful" and who knows if it will be the arms of this man, or mother earth, or myself. All i know is that I am loved and I will be held in the exact way i need to be which is far beyond what my brain can download and comprehend. Because how could i have created a day of kisses, former husband, family healing, red wine, spanish, italian, nature, cutting menus with child scissors, meeting a kindred spirit from the ukraine, crying to 'Landslide', napping in the sun, fantasies, kissing booth energy. I bow to the divine in her creation. I surrender and continue to live in faith that I am loved, in my wild ways, in my tears, my play, my giddiness, my sorrow, my hope, my yearning, my love of beauty, my wobbliness with this man, with this part of me emerging. So much in a day I must come here to digest and to be honest. Because I am learning there is no other way to be. it is too painful to not reach for my true desires. Too shallow. Too meager. It is so joyous and alive to say yes to all of them. Wobbly or no. I do my best to say yes. To be honest to myself and to you. Because I believe it is this honesty that sets me free. So here is to a day of all of it. All of the beauty of this creation and life, wobbliness and all.