Coming back to my body, again.

Written February 24th. In Santiago, Chile. 

I am so profoundly grateful to be feeling better in my body again. I can't tell you how off it is for me to not dance, to not walk around Buenos Aires, to not get to take myself out for a birthday hamburger with live music, to not dance salsa until 4am in Buenos Aires. I missed it. I missed the aliveness and vitality. Because this is where I commune with my play, with my joy. It is in this body of mine. And while I took great care of it while sick- resting,, water, oral rehydration salts- there was another energy coursing through it after 7 days of quiet time in Ushuaia. Let's get out there and play! Let's flirt, and kiss, and ride on a moped, and tango in the park and salsa until dawn. Let's surround ourselves with beauty, with stunning architecture. Let's walk and take in the street performers, the cemetery, the bookstore, the textiles, the food. Oh let's take in the beauty of the food, the drink, the glasses, the restaurants. 

After years of over isolating and playing it safe, it is my body and my soul that are clamoring for more. So there was grief in leaving Buenos Aires for that energy which was not experienced, that sense of aliveness and vitality my body was craving. And it is such a reminder of where my joy is. Of where my creation lies. It is in me. In this body of mine. It is why I start every morning with stretching and dancing- to ground into my wisdom, my greatest guide before I go out in the world. And so this morning I gave myself a Buenos Aires re-do. I imagined myself out in BA, savoring food, flirting away, meeting a man, dancing with him, feeling myself wrapped in his arms. I imagined how we laughed, how his forearms felts as I caressed them. I imagined the energy of walking through BA late at night, holding hands with him, taking in the beauty of it all. I imagined and felt the energy of me laughing, of me feeling turned-on, of playing drums, of dancing tango in a park really horribly but with great play and delight, of a dramatic leg sweep as I trust my body would have done with joy. And as I do this, I feel this hole inside of me fill up with these energies, fill up with a reminder of who I am. 

Fill up with the desires for these feelings of how I am in the world in different moments.

Because there are times I am quiet, and I spend chunks of time by the river stretching, moving the old through my body or hiking solo as I have done so much these last 4 weeks. And in BA I wanted the new, I wanted these notes and tones in a different way. I wanted the aliveness of it all. The experience of this side of me that I have never truly lived in the world. More of me in it. More love, more play, more delight, more dance, more romance, more sensuality, more sex, more men, more yelling and dancing at a soccer game, more laughter. I wanted more. I am ready for more. And I am so grateful I took the time to honor the hole I felt. The hole I have felt many times when I have been out of flow with what the universe created for me. More love. So this hole is not nearly as big as it was this morning, these last few days. My body feels more alive, more dynamic, more hopeful. And I desire to be met with these notes and tones so I can keep expanding, keeping experiencing more of what is possible in this life. So I can keep loving more and being more of the expression of my true wild essence. 

Thank you universe- excited for the magic, for the notes and tones that await me as I head out to explore Santiago. More please. So much more.

How can you get back into and honor your body today? Maybe put on a few songs and let your body guide you. Lay down and rest for 10 minutes. Take a bath. Enjoy!

Sending love, Kim style.

Written on February 23rd. 

Arrived. Santiago, Chile. And after a week of bread, oat cakes, yogurt, potatoes, recovering from food poisoning I am happy to have looked at a menu and not silently thrown up in my mouth at the thought of meat or fish. For years I had dreamed of watching and dancing tango in Buenos Aires, of watching a football game in Argentina, of wandering around this city of great history and architecture and soaking it in. Of finding a romantic courtyard and sipping a glass of wine in the mid day heat....and none of that happened. 

So I trust I will return in diving timing to experience these long held dreams. i was guided to go to Iguazu Falls and then on to Santiago, Chile and I don't mess with guidance (I do my best not to). So here I am. Sipping some wine, in an outdoor courtyard and I just ate my first dinner in a week. So far, so good. So here is to letting go of expectations. To surrender, to flow. Here's to more play. After days of being sick, after the energy of Iguazu Falls and the full moon, after all the emotions of leaving Argentina, I am spent. I wrote L a postcard today care of the place he works, the lodge we met at. Addressing it to all there and using words that will only deeply resonate with him. That are only for him to truly appreciate. Since he is offline until April, I wanted to reach out to him with love as I left Argentina and it was so much fun to write this postcard in code for us.

I kissed the postcard before I put it in the mailbox at the airport, then cried my way through security and passport control, and then into a bathroom stall to let the love I felt here, not just from L, but from this land, its people, move through me. That's what these tears are, me feeling loved. Me feeling held. There is joy, there is gratitude, there is grief for going without this for so long. For some how believing I wasn't worth loving. For keeping men out of my life to protect myself, for the lost years and gratitude that I am here now. 

I am curious what brings me to Chile. I am open, I am ready. More please universe. And thank you for the fish, for the wine, for this sweet little hotel with nature and a courtyard in the midst of bustling city, for safe travels, good seat mates, easy passport control, kind taxi drivers. all of it matters. love matters. 

Buenos Noches, K

Full Moon Magic at Iguazu Falls, Argentina

This was written on February 22nd, sharing now via the magic of faster internet. 

On this full moon I was guided to Iguazu Falls- a true powerhouse of nature. I spent the day walking near the waterfalls, through rainforests, being surrounded by butterflies. I spent the day trying to get myself to walk slow when my body wanted to zoom with all this energy. I spent the day trying to recapture the essence of lightness and love I felt with L, felt in nature before my food poisoning and 4 days in hotel. I came back, napped, took a shower, and felt that tomorrow it is time to leave Argentina. And so I go out on the patio, it is raining here and i start to cry with gratitude for my time in this magical land. 

I flew here on the full moon two months ago- watching it through my airplane window on my red eye. I spent the last full moon with L, in El Chalten, wrapped in his arms and sharing our love of the moon with one another as we looked at it through a telescope.

And this moon? Well, I am forever changed, I am softer, more open, I am more receptive. I have slowed down. I have danced on new mountaintops, slept by rivers, hugged trees, wept. I have fallen in love. I have been held, caressed, nuzzled. I have eaten more meat and bread than I can imagine, sipped Malbec, met people from all over the world, learned new words in spanish for tender, soft, wild. I have been gifted new music, new ideas. I have seen sunrises, sunsets, colors of water I never knew existed. 

I have felt loved here in a way I have never felt before. I have come to understand the beauty of my soulfulness, my play, my wild. I have felt soft here in a way I have dreamed of. And now I know there is something even better. Now I have called in more of who my man is, he is free to travel with me, this love can last longer than 7 days, I am ready for love with a man to permeate my life. To open myself up for more. To know there is more play, more love, more communion than I can imagine. And so while there is some grief, there is joy and hope too. 

Thank you Argentina, this land of such intense nature and rapturous beauty, of people who kiss each other hello, who take time every day to sip their mate'. Thank you Bariloche and the family I met there that welcomed me in. Thank you Isla Victoria for taking my phone and more. Thank you L for your life changing love. Thank you angels, guides, universe, love for bringing me here, for keeping me safe, for reminding me I am easy to love, I am worth loving. For expanding my sense of self and delight in who I am. For the gift of my freedom, the gift of traveling this world with love.

Thank you. Humbled. Grateful. More please.

3 hours later and I just went out and looked at the moon, the clouds have broken and there is a rainbow above it. Stop. It. 

Off to Santiago, Chile in the morning.

Iguazu Falls, Argentina

Birthday Magic.

My birthday was February 16th but am getting caught up with sharing writing with better internet connection. Now in Valparaiso, Chile. This was written 70km away from  Ushuaia, Argentina...the southernmost city in the world! 

So sometimes you surrender and you call in your desires for a beautiful lodge in nature to spend your birthday with some good people and some magic. And you get SO. MUCH. MORE. and it all looks different than you imagined but it feels just as you imagined. Although you never imagined a lamb named Marta would be involved. It starts off slow, like sleeping in, meditating about your desires for this year, and then with a lot of resistance finally getting in your body. And it is here where you start feeling it, where you feel the freedom, the beauty, the surrender, the hope. You feel how much you've grown, how far you've come, you feel the joy and safety of being in your body in all ways after years of not. You feel limber. You feel open. And you wander down to breakfast where it is just you, not only because you are the only guest here but because it is 10:30. And you don't know or care what time it is but your computer lets you know.

And you eat some scrambled eggs, and you write a bit and then you get on Facebook and you see these incredible messages of love coming in from all over the world. And you get one from a new friend, a man, who honors that you live your life from your heart, who encourages you to keep doing it. And you realize that because you are showing up in the world with more of your soulfulness, your heart truth, your wild, you are receiving more love for who you truly are. Because you have removed some layers and let more men in, they are showing up in love for you. And this, well this brings the biggest smile to your face and heart. You reread this message several times and realize this is what you have been waiting for and you just let the goodness sink in.

And you do a few love capers, because you love love. And then you get your journal and find a sunny place on the porch that is shielded from the wind so you can write your desires for the year. And as you write about your desire to truly welcome men into your life to welcome in more intimacy and vulnerability you are a bit distracted when a lamb comes up to you and starts baahing. And soon you are introduced to this lamb. Hola Marta, mi hombre es Kim. And she hangs out with you for awhile as you write in your journal, in the sun, with a few of the lake, of lupines on this windy day.

And then you are invited to join the folks who work here, there are 4 incredible souls: Fernando, Candy, Marline and Raul...well Raul invites you to join them in back for a barbecue for you birthday. And you find yourself at a table with fresh vegetables, with Fernando cooking a meal for you- meat, onions, bell peppers. There is an open fire to cook this over in a large cast iron pot, there is homemade bread. And you are given a glass of Malbec and fresh wild strawberries and while it is windy and cold the sun is out, Marta is nearby and then you are taken to meet the rabbits. And when you return there is more Malbec and local beer opened, and there are toasts and cheers in your honor and then there are spanglish conversations and laughter.

The meal wraps up after a few hours but you sit down and talk with one of the women, and somehow, as it divinely does, the talk comes to the heart, and this young woman of 25 shares her story that she is also a survivor, she talks of her difficulty in feeling all of these emotions, this conflicting, she talks of her desire of love and family. And you share you story and you hear yourself in a way you never have before, with a softness and a compassion that has never been present. You hear yourself talk about your own tale of healing. You own story of reclamation. And there are hugs and then it is time for a bath and siesta. And as you do on all days you give 30 minutes to these younger energies still living inside of you. And today, well today they want nothing more than to move on. They are done. They are complete with the old. they felt heard, they feel safe. And so in that bath you leave these energies and let them drain away with the water. And after your siesta you feel a peace you have never felt before.

You put on your clothes for a hike, there is more sun now than before. And you walk through the forest and there is a deep sense of celebration. Of delight. A walk of love. We did it. We healed it. And now it gets to be left here in the forests of Patagonia. And we get to let the love in, let the men in, we get to delight in who we are. We get to honor ourselves, not only the universe, for all that has happened. And you get to the top of the mountain this end of the trail and feel at peace. Turning around there is an excitement and so you aren't paying too much attention to trail markers and quickly find yourself lost in this forest where it all looks the same. And you think back to weeks before where you lost you phone in a very similar situation and instead of panicking, instead of moving all about and just barreling forward you stop.

And you say, this time it is going to be easy. It needs to be easy. And you know how to get back to the end of the trail and so you find yourself there and you start over. Being more present. And you see that there are signs everywhere. Orange and yellow sticks, red markers on trees. And you realize that there are always signs and it always gets to be easy. There might be times where you have to be brave and walk a few steps without knowing but then there it is, the next sign, guiding you to the next place. And you know you can do this. And there are a few places where it is a bit more dark and confusing and there are signs everywhere. And you you relax into this knowing, into this reminder. You are always held, You are never alone. There is always support. There is always love. And it gets to be easy.

So you stroll back to your room, crawl into bed and send your mom a message of love thanking her for carrying you, for birthing you- with an understanding of this gift she bestowed upon you in a way you never have before. And you finally send that long drafted email to the man from a few weeks back who because of his essence and caring opened you up for the love affair that changed your life. And then you hear the fire in the living room going. So you leave your room and stretch in front of this massive fire, letting its heat soften your muscles, soften your heart. You start writing your gratitudes for the day because there are so many and you are feeling full and then Raul invites you to join the crew for dinner at 10pm and that feels lovely.

You get back in front of the fire and put on your music and this time, its to dance. This dance party for one. The very thing I am needing. And so I'm Free by Soup Dragon comes on and then El Taxi comes by Pitbull, Domino by Jessie J, Let it Be by Carol Woods and a Sam Smith tune and you get to feel all these different energies through your body, you are free to dance in front of the fire and it is so perfect there are no other guests because you get this dance party for one in front of the fireplace.

Then you head down to the dining room and you see they have opened up the main dining room and there is a fire going. There is a circular table set for 5. Two bottles of Malbec are brought out and you recognize one from weeks before, a special bottle shared with the very man that messaged you earlier in the day. So you choose that one. And then there is eggplant, and lentil stew and pasta with seafood. And there is conversation about Game of Thrones and music. There is spanglish. There is talk of what would your last meal be and with who (Shakira, both men chose you, I went for Jamie Fraser). There is laughter. There are smiles and then the lights are dimmed and a huge birthday cake is brought out for you. And the candle is purple which is so perfect and after you make your wish and a bottle of champagne has been opened you are told that the owner got this candle from the hotel where he picked you up and it means even more, that this man made sure I had a candle for my birthday cake. And it means even more that the cake is chocolate as I desired. And that I am drinking it with champagne and a special glass of Malbec.

And as the others drift away, the woman from earlier in the day and I have a chance for a more words of love, of support. I get to thank her for helping me close a chapter in my life and truly starting a new one. I get to thank her for her bravery, her reflection of mine. I get to hold her arm and wish her well as she dives into her healing and to let her know I am with her in every moment. And then I take some of this special malbec and another bit of cake up to my little area and sit in front of the fire, with a rose scented candle lit and digest all of this here. All of this magic. The exact love that I needed today on this birthday of mine. Freedom. Love. Sisterhood. Wild Hearted Living. Malbec. Chocolate Cake. Lentils. Nature. Fire. Wind. Sunshine. Magical Forests. Water lapping against the rocky shore. Joy. Dance. Communion. My favorite things that the universe knows I so love. And a lamb named Marta to top it off. Thank you universe. Thank you for the love. More please. I am ready for more.

Happy Love Day...thank you universe for being the best Valentine!

So I'm just having this epic love affair, with the universe. For Love Day, it brought me time at the spa in my hotel, sinking deep into my body and releasing more old energy, views of the channel where the pacific and atlantic oceans meet in the southernmost city in the world. I was gifted the reminder that yesterday one billion rose to end violence against women. And I gave love to that and received love. I was reminded I am not alone. I was gifted hours to lay in bed to finish my book, a fictional account about Mary Magdalene's younger years that ends with her being exiled by men from The Holy Isles and cast off in a boat as the women from her life watch over her and sing in her honor there is a great storm- she is guided to close her eyes to surrender to survive, and at the end she is found on the shores of a new land, there is the taste of honey on her lips, being carried by strong arms and then laid down on softness. The last line of the book is "She will live." I was gifted with this reminder that I have been in this boat for 10 years, going from shore to shore, seeking, surrendering, with so many women calling to me, singing their song, offering their love, their arms, their hearts, their wisdom. And at last I have come to shore in this land and there is honey, so much honey, so many strong arms and so much softness here for me. 

And then the universe brought me to dinner where I had a window seat with views of the flowers I was gifted to enjoy during my meal. And I mention a song to a waiter, this song that I now love, Cancion para el viento (Song for the Wind) that L gifted me during our time together, that we listened to while sitting on the edge of my bed one morning, entwined in one another, relishing this new note of love that I had welcomed into my life. And as I am sitting there sipping my malbec with views of ocean meeting ocean, with mountains surrounding them in the distance, with my heart full this song comes on. The waiter played it for me. Heart more full, I take my chocolate dessert that the waiters gift me and my glass of malbec upstairs and crawl into bed and and am gifted a movie to watch. Tumbledown, a quiet movie, which is all about a woman coming back to herself, her voice, her soul and being so comfortable in it and the love that creates in her life. About stepping towards love after a broken heart. About living life her way and coming back to love. Set in the woods of Maine, one of my favorite places on earth. And I am reminded how it is time for me to express more of my true essence with the world. And at long last these younger energies within, for so so long afraid of who they truly are, afraid of what they know and feel, afraid for so long of the truth of their sensitivity, their love of nature, that they will not receive love if they show their tender side, their quiet side, their soulful side. At long last they are on board. We are who we are. We are love. We are beautiful. We are rich and deep and sensitive and its stunningly beautiful. Yes. We are in. Let's be. And I fall asleep with a sense of peace. Knowing I came to this southernmost place, the root chakra of the world to feel safe in my body, in my essence, to ground this all in to my soul, my energy, my mind, my heart. 

I wake up and stretch, and as always the universe, this lover of mine, brings me the perfect music to tune into my body, my soul. A Hundred Years by Christina Perri, some instrumental tunes so I can hear my soul rather than lyrics and then Strength, Courage and Wisdom - "it was inside of me all along." And I am smiling as I dance to this song, as its lyrics melt into my marrow because its so true. Strength, Courage and Wisdom, its's been inside of me all along and now I am so ready to travel the world with this. To live my life without fear. To live a life of love. And I am packing up my suitcases, trekking boots, a bronze sequin dress, Marlies Decker bras, my orange bathing suit, smartwool tops, a Calypso skirt...all of these sides of me I am carrying with me.

I don't know where I am going next. I am present. I am calm. I will be guided. Step by step. So I pack up my bags, and the last thing I do is pull a card from my Magdalene Oracle deck and for the first time ever, I pull the Magdalene card. "Go forth and be true to yourself. Dare to be different...There is only love." 

And I stop. Because come on. Finishing a Magdalen book about storms, and living and honey and a movie about a woman living her away and now this. Thank you universe. I'm ready to go forth and live my life, I am ready to dare to be different and to remember there is only love. 

I quietly leave my room, I do not know where I am headed. I have no plans as of yet for this day. I know I will be guided to the next most beautiful thing for me. And I am. I sit with my desires, my truth, because tomorrow it is my birthday and I desire magic and nature and some adventure. I desire to be in a more remote place, surrounded by nature and beauty, to eat delicious food, drink an incredible glass of wine, see vistas that move me, dance in nature, hike amongst the trees, the mountains And so I conjure a lodge 40 km from town, where I will head in a few hours. For more love, for beauty, for new experiences. And I trust there will be love there for me. In what form, I don't know, but I know there will be love. Because it's been here all along, guiding me, coming to me in so many different ways every day. This is my love. This is my epic legendary love affair. 

Thank you universe. For the music, the flowers, the movie, the book, the sauna, the tears, the smiles, the food, the views, my body, my divinity, for bringing me back home to my courage, strength and wisdom. For bringing me back to love.

The flowers I looked at during my Valentine's dinner...thanks Universe. I love Purple!