The other day I received this note on Facebook from a childhood friend.
"I just want to let you know that many of my happy childhood memories are with you up at your house. You are an amazing spirit and touched people even when you didn't think you did! You are a special soul! Love you Kim."
When did I lose this connection? This sense of specialness in simply being me? Knowing that my love was enough? That I was enough? When did you?
I look back on my life and am so saddened by how much self-hatred and self-doubt I carried with me as the heaviest of luggage for so long...imagine Rose's luggage from 'Titanic.' Hauling around trunk after trunk and there weren't 20-carat sapphire necklaces or resplendent dresses inside. There was a lot of coal, black tar.
Because I didn't think me loving and being love was enough, was anything special. My wires got crossed about what being 'a special soul' looked like. It meant I had to be thinner, sexier, more powerful, be the Executive Director, the CEO, the interior designer, the rock climber. I had to achieve and keep moving forward.
Why did I come to believe I was wrong? Not enough? That I had to be this/be that to be loved? To be seen? By my family, by men, by work, by the stranger on the plane?
I was wrestling with this false version of self trying to attain and be it, rather than simply dropping that trunk of coal and opening up and delving into the richness of my own medicine bag which is full of so many luscious, magical treats. There are wands, playlists, creative ideas galore, green drink recipes, tarot cards, one way tickets, a yoga mat, my tent for camping and my amazing dreamtime thermarest, heels for nights out, hugs, slow hip circles, trauma healing techniques, Salazon Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt, flip flops, my mermaid tail, flower oils, a loud laugh, an out of pitch singing voice, silliness, irreverence, and love. So much love.
I look back and I was and am this bright spirit of love. I have always done love capers and I lost all of that, well I lost the value of it. 'How are you going to monetize it? What is the value of this in the world?' And letting others determine the value for me, rather believing the value they placed on it as truth. The most magical, mystical, loving parts of me got shoved aside (by me) trying to fit into these cultural, patriarchal and feminist visions of me that I was told, "be this and you'll get success, love, safety and acceptance." (My driving need for acceptance and approval is a blog post/400 page tome unto itself). So, I accepted this vision out of a primal fear of not fitting in, being poor, and unloved. And that's such, well, bullshit.
I am so light, I am love. I have always been good, kind, generous, and loving. And that matters. It counts for more than I know. Now, it didn't always come from the healthiest of places (I'll drive you to the airport at 3am even know I barely know you fellow Hallett Hall dorm person...please love me!) But it came from a very real place within me. A place that knows radical love transforms everything, connects everyone. Telling someone when you like their shirt, their partner, their dog, their homemade cookies - and you mean it- that's love. Listening to someone. Making someone their favorite ice cream cake. Holding someone when they cry. Where would our world be without these moments? Without homemade cards and lemonade stands. Without surprise parties and romantic gestures. Without neighbor helping neighbor. This is love. This is what we remember. This is what sustains us, what calls us.
So share your love wide, own it, bathe in it, reach into your well and bring all that love up to share, it's not like there's a scarcity. I want to pass knowing I have rung out every ounce of love and joy that was mine to share. That every gift in my medicine bag is used with total delight and love.
What steamer trunk can you delightfully shove off the end of the pier and watch sink away?What do you see when you peer into your medicine bag? Tell me, I'd love to know! Take it out and enjoy. The world is waiting, needing for you to own and share your gifts and your love.
Yours in lightened voyages and magical days,