"Ohhh, I've been transforming" ...hand hits forehead

A few months back I was out for walk in Montana and as I rounded the corner of the road this thought hit me and I stopped in my tracks.  "Oh, I've been transforming...."  For so long I thought I was healing, getting fixed etc. Really I was transforming: my heart, my cells, my body, my thoughts. I was changing all of it...which takes time, energy, patience, surrender, release, gumption...repeat repeat.  Some of that I sucked at. I gave myself a really hard time that things weren't happening faster, that I still wasn't earning 6 figures and working at Microsoft.  All these ideas I had about what it would look like what I was finally PERFECT/WHOLE/FITTING IN.

And I was always whole. Please. I am amazing human being, which I didn't know and own in most parts of my life.  I was transforming, releasing my adaption to survive and changing it all to THRIVE!  I was stepping towards my gorgeous, wise, magical, mystical, loving self. Reclaiming the steps I'd taken away from myself throughout 35 years of living. That can take longer than a 3-day workshop. It takes years and then some more, and yes then some more. I'll always be transforming.

I remember that moment in Montana when I rounded the corner, I put my hands on my knees, bowed my head and did a combo laugh/cry.  I called a friend and said to her I just figured out I've been transforming! "Ohhhhhh transforming."  That shifted everything in my perspective.  I understood that transformation is a process, it takes time, it's layers, cyclical, like peeling an onion (with the tears).  It's not something you type out on an excel spread sheet and follow. Transformation is commitment, it's binge watching Friday Night Lights when you're on the precipice of a huge transformation and your ego is holding on for dear life, it's getting rid of clothes, books, clutter, relationships, it's screaming into your pillow, your car, it's watching Mr. Darcy walk across that field 48 times (okay, could be more), it's taking risks, being vulnerable, showing your heart and soul, buying those personal development books and not reading them all the way through (or at all), it's falling in and out of love with yourself a thousand times a day, then a hundred, then ten...then trying to maintain that bliss and ecstasy of supreme self-love. 

This might take more than a minute, it's subtle, it's obvious, it's hilarious, it's painful, it's so damn good and satisfying and full of mystery, miracles and more.  I want all of this for you, for all of us. I want you to bask in your sublime essence, your beauty, your love. Please. Come home and I ask of you to be kind, gently and loving with yourself as you do. You are magnificent.  You are brave.  You are whole.