So that happened

And I'm still not sure what all of it was. A week in the desert with 65,000 people committed to radical self expression and inclusion. More please. More fresh coconuts being handed to me, more freshly peeled cucumbers sprinkled with salt, more gatherings at The Dusty Swan Irish Pub for a jam session, more Disco roller skating, riding my bike across the playa in a sand storm, sitting in an art installation prairie church at 4am, hugging strangers as they sobbed in the temple releasing their broken hearted pain.  More singing "Eternal Flame" as I zipped across the playa on my bike at 2am, more foot rubs, More intimacy, laughter, dancing, 20 piece live bands, Johny Cash being blasted from a wild west saloon car.  More furry boots, high fives, contact improv dancing, afternoon naps in hammocks. More love. Yes.

On Sunday night thousands gather in total silence to watch the Temple- full of thousands of photos, poems, mementos, writings - burn to the ground. All of that pain alchemized by fire into love, forgiveness, and release.  As the ashes were carried off into the night sky I was touched by the cycle. We come from the earth, we return to the earth. And during our time here, what would make it sweeter, kinder? Where can we create more gentleness, more connection, more love?  How can we create more intimacy, vulnerability, respect for mother earth and her resources?  How can we love bolder, braver, more full out?  How can we radically self-express ourselves in our day-to-day life?  

What can you release today? Let the fire transmute into love?

For me, I am taking more risks with my love, being more direct in my communication, in my needs, singing out loud as I go my daily walks, buying more flowers, appreciating the little things which then fills me up so I can give more love, letting go of all that no longer serves me and brings me deep joy.  I hope today brings you much love, freedom, magic and more. 

Temple Burn

Temple at sunrise



Gentle. Please be gentle.

I'm getting ready to leave for Burning Man and yesterday I had a HUGE to do list. But I was tired. My body wanted to sleep, nap, stretch, bath, cry, putter, and go slow.  It wanted gentleness. My lovely brain likes to force and push and go and meet deadlines and keep us ON TASK. And it likes to try and understand why I am tired- therefore creating an excel like spreadsheet in my brain of "why am I tired? How can I control this. See cell 67 at it relates to Column B, cell 4..."  The excel spreadsheet becomes quite extensive until I say out loud. "I'm tired" and then my mind seems satisfied...for awhile. 

So after some resistance I put the to-do list down, went outside and laid on the grass, taking in the flowers, and the warm breeze. And I did all the above things which my body so wanted to do. Today I slowly finished packing, took a nap this afternoon and I just loaded my car in 20 minutes- nice and slowly. I used to try and carry as much as possible and would inevitably drop something, run into a door jam or stress my back. In other words. Cause myself pain. Not take good care of my body. So I am leaving 5 hours later than my brain desired and just on time for my gorgeous body. Just on time for the adventures that await me. 

I'll be offline while at Burning Man: seeking out radical self expression through dance, wearing fun costumes, napping and letting my body be my guide. Since there is no cell service there I'm looking forward to leaving the excel spreadsheets behind...will let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, where are you needing to slow down?  What is your body trying to tell you, create for you? A day of massage? A hike up a mountain?  Our bodies are constantly offering us up opportunities to take better care of ourselves, to love ourselves more deeply...so take a minute to listen in and see how your day changes. 

With love,

Kim

 

 

Sometimes I need a really BIG sign...

Last year I heard about a dance workshop happening in Maui, Hawaii.  To me, it was very expensive and getting to and staying in Hawaii is no small expense either.  I remember when I heard about it my entire body lit up. It was such a yes...but as the weeks and months progressed I got into my head, listened to others who suggested I do something else and basically got into a complete mental tizzy about the whole thing and I didn't think I was worth it or the right thing to do to move my life forward.  It didn't make sense to my mind while my wild body was saying GO, GO, GO.

The date was approaching, as in two days approaching. I was visiting my cousin in Venice, California and got a call there was a spot open on the retreat, was I interested?  I still didn't know. Well, my mental body didn't know, it started listing off the reasons this was a wrong choice.  Who was I to go to Hawaii? The price? The time? How would I explain this latest wandering to my family? The mental litany went on and on. 

I remember saying out loud. "Okay Universe if you want me to go to this I need a really big sign."

About an hour later I was walking down Venice Boulevard, lost deep in my mental tizzy thoughts, going back and forth about Hawaii...not really paying attention to the stores, just making my way down the sidewalk when I stopped and looked up. And there, in all its 2 feet x 13 feet glory...a really big sign: 

'Maui, Hawaii.'

No joke. A store called Maui, Hawaii. I called the retreat director and signed up.

I realized the Universe really is conspiring for my greater good and knows far more than my brain, others opinions and conventional next steps.  The following week was life-changing.  I moved through years of shoved down grief, pain, sorrow and anger and welcomed in more space for love, joy and delight. I rocked it out with sacred parts of me I had never met.  I danced for an hour to traditional hawaiian drummers, met amazing women, learned thai massage, and I received a blessing from a Hawaiian priestess.  This is what I needed to move through some of the deep trauma my sweet body and soul was holding on to, that was exhausting me, that was preventing me from living my best life.  The universe knew it and brought it to me with ease.  

My work is to get out of my own way, to trust and completely surrender. Not so easy at times.

So, I hope you will also ask for help, that you will see/feel the signs -no matter what their size- and trust that the universe is always conspiring for our greatest good, for lives full of grace, beauty and aloha.

                    

                         MAUI, HAWAII

 

 

 

He leaned over and whispered in his french accent...

In June I was in Montreal watching the Algeria/Germany World Cup game and started chatting about soccer with a local man sitting next to me.  After Germany’s victory he asked what I was doing in Montreal and I told him how I was traveling while writing a book about my journey of healing my broken heart.  He turned to me and with his beautiful french accent said “sometimes when you are hurt you protect yourself and you miss out on love, fun and joy and good things.” 

Yes Claude, how right you are. Yes, you do. 

Yes. Yes I did.

It is deeply ingrained in us: be it PTSD, ancestral, cultural, instinctual to avoid conflict. 

Fight or Flight. I fled.

I fled my body, my soul, my emotions. I hightailed it out of there all the while armoring up (I’m very good at multi-tasking). 

And I spent so much time fleeing and protecting myself from potential heartache I missed out on a lot of fun and joy, of dating, of taking risks, putting myself out there creatively. Sharing my essence and love with the world. And when my heart did get hurt I didn’t do anything about it. Years ago I climbed to Everest Base Camp while sick with Himalayan dysentery.  I kept trekking for days, going, digging deep into my physical strength and yet I couldn’t say to someone, “you hurt my feelings, you hurt my heart.” 

My emotional strength needed a boost, not a vitamin C capsule more like an IV drip of red bull boost.  I needed to learn how to protect myself with healthy boundaries rather than medieval armor so I could open my heart to love again, to show myself to the world as I truly am. To learn I deserved to be treated better and how to make that happen. To stop hiding my emotions and taking care of others before taking care of myself (I have flown enough to know I am supposed to put on my oxygen mask first). I needed to learn to quit settling for crappy treatment, poor pay, chit-chat…anything that was less than lighting me up and turning me on. Anything that was less than honoring my worth, my beauty, my value. 

Claude and I talked about seeking happiness and that was certainly a part of it.  Deeper than that I was seeking love, ultimately self-love so I could stand so delightfully as me and dance, share, love caper my way through the world as I am meant to, opening my heart towards myself and others. Spreading joy and love wherever I go. And the reason we had this juicy interaction?  Because I dropped my armor, I didn't flee. I showed up as who I am.  I talked about reclamation, about broken hearts, love capers, about reclaiming your wild and it led to a lovely conversation.  

 So thank you Claude, thank you universe. More please. 

I just wanna see you be brave...

I was out dance walking in my neighborhood last night. Soaking up the beauty of the flowers and the trees all while wearing a sundress and flip flops past 8pm in Seattle. Which is pretty luscious in itself.  Then DJ Universe cued up Brave by Sara Bareilles and my heart and body opened wide up. I started twirling around, singing out loud and feeling the fire and joy rise up.

"Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"

I love these moments of inspiration. Moments that take us beyond where we've been before, where we feel more is possible than we thought/felt only seconds before. Where pieces click into place, where I don't care that my voice is rickety and crickety (I'm pretty sure that's a singing term- I'll ask Randy from American Idol).  Where I feel that all I want to be and create in the world is here, is happening and it's really about me being brave enough to go along for the ride. 

Am I brave enough to share what I feel, experience and am awakening to? Am I brave enough to stand in my knowing? My desires?  Am I brave enough to open up my heart? To believe? To surrender?  We'll see. I'm doing my best and on sunny days in Seattle with this music pouring through my system it all seems possible.  

I came home, wrote this blog and then watched the video which is, seriously, about dancing in public!!! I love it. Thank you DJ Universe, keep the music and love coming.

Where do you want to be brave? I'd love to hear about it.

"Brave" by Sara Bareilles and Jack Antonoff

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave