A sacred summer that created life long shifts...

Hello Everyone. I know it's been awhile. The universe took me offline for the summer and I am just getting back to writing and blogging. I started last week on my Facebook and can't stop and realized now it's time to be showing up here as well. Below is the post I did last night. I will be writing more and more so your inboxes might get a bit full, and then there will be those lulls when I am going deep in my own process. I'm not an every Tuesday kinda gal. Thank you for your patience and love as I do this my way and honor my truth, which I trust is best for every one involved. I hope your summers were full of wild living, so much love, connection and joy. Deep joy.

Much of what I do is around reclamation. Reclamation of all these pieces of me to get back to me. And this summer I dove deep into the world of sacredness. Of reclaiming my sacredness. Honoring my intuition. My sensuality. My strength. I spent a lot of time in nature which was a constant mirror for my sacred self and I learned that I'm SO sacred (as are we all). And that if I do not honor and treat myself as sacred, others will not. Not with their words, their paychecks, their actions. If I do not respect myself enough to say, Stop. Then they won't. They are simply (I say simply but it sure doesn't feel that way at times) a mirror for where I am in valuing and honoring myself.

My role is to understand my sacredness and honor it. To nourish my body, mind and spirit. To create situations, relationships, meals that honor it. And if something doesn't feel sacred I have a choice. To stay or leave. To ask for more money. To send the wilted lettuce back. To set a boundary. To ask for what I need and want.

I get to surround myself in Love.

You do too.

So, I did something which felt very scary today. I asked to be treated with Love. I asked for what I wanted. Simply. Clearly. Treat me with love. With kindness. Let your words be kind. No more disapproving, making me wrong and judgment that makes my heart hurt. I know it isn't personal. I am not angry. I am asking for what I need. And if you find this disapproval coming up please do not share it with me. Not on my Facebook feed. Not on text. Not in person. Tell the sky. The dog. The tree. Do not tell me. I am desiring to be met with LOVE because I am sacred. Because I am following a path that is sacred and there is nothing wrong with that, with me.

A few hours after I said this to the universe and before I sent the email. I heard from a magical man I met at burning man. A man that used the words Divine and Sensual to describe me. A man that honored me, respected me. Treated me with unconditional love. A man that I felt seen and appreciated by because I was at long last loving myself unconditionally and honoring my divinity and sensuality. He was a beautiful, profound, life changing mirror for me.

I love the universe and how it is just waiting for us to ask for more. Waiting for us to show up for ourselves at times. Because as much support as it gives us, there are moments when the next step is ours. The scary one, the one that feels like Indiana Jones stepping into the void. But the stones show up and carry us across with ease what was seemingly a step to our death. Because we are showing faith in where we are being lead. Faith in more. Faith in love. Faith in one another. Faith in that in asking for what we need with respect and kindness we create our lives.

I listened to a lot of music today. On Shuffle. And there were a few songs that looped through several times. 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons. 'Happy' by Pharrell (the universe is attempting to boost up my neuroreceptors for joy). Hozier's 'Take me the Church'. But I'll leave you with this one by India Arie because it seems to resonate most with this day of reclaiming my sacred. Of honoring my strength, courage and wisdom.

"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

[Chorus:]
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.

Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:

[Chorus]

Vamp
I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you

He leaned over and whispered in his french accent...

In June I was in Montreal watching the Algeria/Germany World Cup game and started chatting about soccer with a local man sitting next to me.  After Germany’s victory he asked what I was doing in Montreal and I told him how I was traveling while writing a book about my journey of healing my broken heart.  He turned to me and with his beautiful french accent said “sometimes when you are hurt you protect yourself and you miss out on love, fun and joy and good things.” 

Yes Claude, how right you are. Yes, you do. 

Yes. Yes I did.

It is deeply ingrained in us: be it PTSD, ancestral, cultural, instinctual to avoid conflict. 

Fight or Flight. I fled.

I fled my body, my soul, my emotions. I hightailed it out of there all the while armoring up (I’m very good at multi-tasking). 

And I spent so much time fleeing and protecting myself from potential heartache I missed out on a lot of fun and joy, of dating, of taking risks, putting myself out there creatively. Sharing my essence and love with the world. And when my heart did get hurt I didn’t do anything about it. Years ago I climbed to Everest Base Camp while sick with Himalayan dysentery.  I kept trekking for days, going, digging deep into my physical strength and yet I couldn’t say to someone, “you hurt my feelings, you hurt my heart.” 

My emotional strength needed a boost, not a vitamin C capsule more like an IV drip of red bull boost.  I needed to learn how to protect myself with healthy boundaries rather than medieval armor so I could open my heart to love again, to show myself to the world as I truly am. To learn I deserved to be treated better and how to make that happen. To stop hiding my emotions and taking care of others before taking care of myself (I have flown enough to know I am supposed to put on my oxygen mask first). I needed to learn to quit settling for crappy treatment, poor pay, chit-chat…anything that was less than lighting me up and turning me on. Anything that was less than honoring my worth, my beauty, my value. 

Claude and I talked about seeking happiness and that was certainly a part of it.  Deeper than that I was seeking love, ultimately self-love so I could stand so delightfully as me and dance, share, love caper my way through the world as I am meant to, opening my heart towards myself and others. Spreading joy and love wherever I go. And the reason we had this juicy interaction?  Because I dropped my armor, I didn't flee. I showed up as who I am.  I talked about reclamation, about broken hearts, love capers, about reclaiming your wild and it led to a lovely conversation.  

 So thank you Claude, thank you universe. More please. 

A prayer for our broken wild hearts

In the past few weeks I've felt a huge transformation within me, another thick layer of my Sweet Vidalia onion being peeled back and ready to be shared. A part so deep and ancient within me, so aching to come out to be seen and so scared that something so personal will be rejected, scorned, disbelieved, discarded, ignored, judged.

My broken wild heart. 

For most of my life I pretended my heart wasn't broken.  It went beyond the good girl mask. It was a lie so deep it almost derailed my life and it took me years of onion peeling to get to this truth.  And I now know I am not alone. As I tell my stories I hear from you, and I know...

There are so many of us with broken wild hearts.  

Aching to be seen, to be loved, to held.  I see you. I hold you. I can feel your beautiful broken wild heart. Can you feel mine?

A few months ago I was in Montana where I always seem to find myself when I am gently peeling back a thick layer of onion. On my first night there I typed out the following. I share it with you to share my broken wild heart because that's what I'm here to do- to share all of me, so we can reclaim our wild hearts together.

'I found one of those places today, so deep inside of me that if I hadn’t paused I would have gone right over it.  A piece of me that startled me and then felt like something I had known was there for so long. This piece that is so fucking afraid of letting go of the pain.  How could I let this piece in, how could I ever let go of the sense of outrage I have, the depth of my heartache? It's like betraying myself all over again, silence before, and silence again? Acquiescence again? You win. You’re right. You get to walk away scott free…again. And this time by my own hands. This feels so fucking wrong. It feels outrageously, soul wounding wrong. It feels like betrayal. Again.

I pray on this.

"Guides, Angels, sister goddesses, ancestress, the Divine, Universe

I have a prayer for you. I pray for you to help me heal my heartache. To help me release all anger and hatred, rage, injustice, grief, sorrow I hold in my heart, in my cells, in my brain, in my energy field.  I ask you help me see that in keeping such a hold on this story I am not helping myself heal. I ask you to help me see that justice has and will happen in ways that my brain cannot believe. That I do not need to sacrifice myself waiting for justice.  And what is justice anyway?  And that I do not need others to understand or honor the pain I feel. And that I do not need others to apologize in order for me to heal. I do not need them to honor my heart or my emotions.  I need to do this and I must trust that I do not need them to understand to validate my experience, to help heal my heart.  I offer up my impassioned surrender to you divine. I offer up my upmost letting go, to transmute and alchemize this heartache.

I ask that you surround me with your love, your light, your open hearts as I delve into this deep belief, this deep pain that If I forgive, my pain did not happen, that if I forgive, I am once again being the good girl and making it better for everyone. That I am betraying myself…again. I ask for love to this part of me that has such fear in letting go. That wants justice, vengeance, understanding.  That believes, so deeply and so profoundly that if I forgive I am rolling over once again: letting the patriarchy have its way, letting the system win, that I am denying the pain, I am pretending my heart didn’t break into a million pieces, that I am being disloyal and dishonest to my sweet, precious soul and body once again.  That I am not being a truth teller. 

I light some candles, I ask for guidance.  I ask for wisdom.  I ask for grace to transmute this deep deep ancient fear and pain.  For me to believe that I can release the grip on this pain and I am not dishonoring myself in the process.

I make myself a cup of tea and the tag on the tea bag says “Empty yourself and let the universe fill you up.”

I feel my heart soften. I feel my deep heartache come to the front.  I love it up.  I open my hands toward the sky and I surrender. “I give this to you because I have no idea what do with the heartache. I have no idea how to make this right with me. show me. guide me.”

I empty myself. I empty myself and I do my best to trust that in doing so my heart heals, that in letting go I am honoring myself in the most profound and beautiful of ways. Letting go, letting the universe fill me up, this is my worship, this is how my wild heart heals.

asking for guidance