Looking fear in the face and letting it roll on through

I arrived back in Seattle a few weeks ago. Filled up from my pilgrimage, ready to start a new chapter in my life, DONE! with the old stories, my old way of living. Onward ho!

Except I wasn't. My heart and body had some healing to do. My pelvis had some major fear to release (ask my acupuncturist) and I kept shoving it away because my new story was I'm DONE with that old story. So when all these emotions came up, when my heart was knocking on my head, I wasn't answering the door. Who wants to open that door to all those pesky old emotions? I'm DONE!

So when my afore-mentioned acupuncturist informed me of the fear I needed to let come up and out through my belly, through my heart, throat and jaw, I wasn't pleased. I was angry. BUT I'm DONE! (Apparently the binge tv watching and extra glasses of wine were not seeping in as information that not all was well)

So for the past few days, I've been writing and crying and dancing and cleaning and reading and writing and writing and writing. Letting all this fear move through. Will I ever be able to heal my relationships with men? Stay in my power and truth around them? Will I press my edges of my sensual and sexual life? Will I press the edges of how much love I show up with in the world? Will I practice radical honesty and have good boundaries? Will I truly reclaim my wild? Can I take away the keys to my car from teenager and get her to enjoy the view from the backseat? Can I trust myself to make choices from a wiser place? Can I show myself compassion for these hurts still being here? (the answer to the last one was no, but I'm doing a much better job these last few days). I was just so damn ready to be moving on that I was keeping all this stagnant fear in my system. Which is not a great foundation for a new beginning.

So take some time this week...what needs some space to emerge? What needs to be heard by you? By the world? Write it out, speak it. LOVE IT UP! Because kicking it in the face like I was doing "get away from me pesky girl!" doesn't work and doesn't lead to great things. Welcoming it with loads of compassion and curiosity is a much more loving choice and will truly lead to the next chapter, a much lighter, joyful one at that. 

I saw this on Facebook and loved it. No credit was given. If you know who did it I would love to know.

A prayer for our broken wild hearts

In the past few weeks I've felt a huge transformation within me, another thick layer of my Sweet Vidalia onion being peeled back and ready to be shared. A part so deep and ancient within me, so aching to come out to be seen and so scared that something so personal will be rejected, scorned, disbelieved, discarded, ignored, judged.

My broken wild heart. 

For most of my life I pretended my heart wasn't broken.  It went beyond the good girl mask. It was a lie so deep it almost derailed my life and it took me years of onion peeling to get to this truth.  And I now know I am not alone. As I tell my stories I hear from you, and I know...

There are so many of us with broken wild hearts.  

Aching to be seen, to be loved, to held.  I see you. I hold you. I can feel your beautiful broken wild heart. Can you feel mine?

A few months ago I was in Montana where I always seem to find myself when I am gently peeling back a thick layer of onion. On my first night there I typed out the following. I share it with you to share my broken wild heart because that's what I'm here to do- to share all of me, so we can reclaim our wild hearts together.

'I found one of those places today, so deep inside of me that if I hadn’t paused I would have gone right over it.  A piece of me that startled me and then felt like something I had known was there for so long. This piece that is so fucking afraid of letting go of the pain.  How could I let this piece in, how could I ever let go of the sense of outrage I have, the depth of my heartache? It's like betraying myself all over again, silence before, and silence again? Acquiescence again? You win. You’re right. You get to walk away scott free…again. And this time by my own hands. This feels so fucking wrong. It feels outrageously, soul wounding wrong. It feels like betrayal. Again.

I pray on this.

"Guides, Angels, sister goddesses, ancestress, the Divine, Universe

I have a prayer for you. I pray for you to help me heal my heartache. To help me release all anger and hatred, rage, injustice, grief, sorrow I hold in my heart, in my cells, in my brain, in my energy field.  I ask you help me see that in keeping such a hold on this story I am not helping myself heal. I ask you to help me see that justice has and will happen in ways that my brain cannot believe. That I do not need to sacrifice myself waiting for justice.  And what is justice anyway?  And that I do not need others to understand or honor the pain I feel. And that I do not need others to apologize in order for me to heal. I do not need them to honor my heart or my emotions.  I need to do this and I must trust that I do not need them to understand to validate my experience, to help heal my heart.  I offer up my impassioned surrender to you divine. I offer up my upmost letting go, to transmute and alchemize this heartache.

I ask that you surround me with your love, your light, your open hearts as I delve into this deep belief, this deep pain that If I forgive, my pain did not happen, that if I forgive, I am once again being the good girl and making it better for everyone. That I am betraying myself…again. I ask for love to this part of me that has such fear in letting go. That wants justice, vengeance, understanding.  That believes, so deeply and so profoundly that if I forgive I am rolling over once again: letting the patriarchy have its way, letting the system win, that I am denying the pain, I am pretending my heart didn’t break into a million pieces, that I am being disloyal and dishonest to my sweet, precious soul and body once again.  That I am not being a truth teller. 

I light some candles, I ask for guidance.  I ask for wisdom.  I ask for grace to transmute this deep deep ancient fear and pain.  For me to believe that I can release the grip on this pain and I am not dishonoring myself in the process.

I make myself a cup of tea and the tag on the tea bag says “Empty yourself and let the universe fill you up.”

I feel my heart soften. I feel my deep heartache come to the front.  I love it up.  I open my hands toward the sky and I surrender. “I give this to you because I have no idea what do with the heartache. I have no idea how to make this right with me. show me. guide me.”

I empty myself. I empty myself and I do my best to trust that in doing so my heart heals, that in letting go I am honoring myself in the most profound and beautiful of ways. Letting go, letting the universe fill me up, this is my worship, this is how my wild heart heals.

asking for guidance

What is Wild? Part 2

"TO BE FULLY HUMAN IS TO BE WILD. Wild is the strange pull and whispering wisdom. It’s the gentle nudge and the forceful ache. It is your truth, passed down from the ancients, and the very stream of life in your blood. Wild is the soul where passion and creativity reside, and the quickening of your heart. Wild is what is real, and wild is your home. I urge you to unravel the listless, rigid parts and feed your wild, because it is the wild you, not the barely alive, embedded-into-routine, zombie-like you that is now struggling for air. For turn on. For sweet prana. Restore the wild and the warrior."                     

                                                                                                      Victoria Erickson

It's Friday- bust out of routine, shoulds and schedule and feed your wild. 

Let's dance and celebrate how your wrong make's you so right with Pink.