A sacred summer that created life long shifts...

Hello Everyone. I know it's been awhile. The universe took me offline for the summer and I am just getting back to writing and blogging. I started last week on my Facebook and can't stop and realized now it's time to be showing up here as well. Below is the post I did last night. I will be writing more and more so your inboxes might get a bit full, and then there will be those lulls when I am going deep in my own process. I'm not an every Tuesday kinda gal. Thank you for your patience and love as I do this my way and honor my truth, which I trust is best for every one involved. I hope your summers were full of wild living, so much love, connection and joy. Deep joy.

Much of what I do is around reclamation. Reclamation of all these pieces of me to get back to me. And this summer I dove deep into the world of sacredness. Of reclaiming my sacredness. Honoring my intuition. My sensuality. My strength. I spent a lot of time in nature which was a constant mirror for my sacred self and I learned that I'm SO sacred (as are we all). And that if I do not honor and treat myself as sacred, others will not. Not with their words, their paychecks, their actions. If I do not respect myself enough to say, Stop. Then they won't. They are simply (I say simply but it sure doesn't feel that way at times) a mirror for where I am in valuing and honoring myself.

My role is to understand my sacredness and honor it. To nourish my body, mind and spirit. To create situations, relationships, meals that honor it. And if something doesn't feel sacred I have a choice. To stay or leave. To ask for more money. To send the wilted lettuce back. To set a boundary. To ask for what I need and want.

I get to surround myself in Love.

You do too.

So, I did something which felt very scary today. I asked to be treated with Love. I asked for what I wanted. Simply. Clearly. Treat me with love. With kindness. Let your words be kind. No more disapproving, making me wrong and judgment that makes my heart hurt. I know it isn't personal. I am not angry. I am asking for what I need. And if you find this disapproval coming up please do not share it with me. Not on my Facebook feed. Not on text. Not in person. Tell the sky. The dog. The tree. Do not tell me. I am desiring to be met with LOVE because I am sacred. Because I am following a path that is sacred and there is nothing wrong with that, with me.

A few hours after I said this to the universe and before I sent the email. I heard from a magical man I met at burning man. A man that used the words Divine and Sensual to describe me. A man that honored me, respected me. Treated me with unconditional love. A man that I felt seen and appreciated by because I was at long last loving myself unconditionally and honoring my divinity and sensuality. He was a beautiful, profound, life changing mirror for me.

I love the universe and how it is just waiting for us to ask for more. Waiting for us to show up for ourselves at times. Because as much support as it gives us, there are moments when the next step is ours. The scary one, the one that feels like Indiana Jones stepping into the void. But the stones show up and carry us across with ease what was seemingly a step to our death. Because we are showing faith in where we are being lead. Faith in more. Faith in love. Faith in one another. Faith in that in asking for what we need with respect and kindness we create our lives.

I listened to a lot of music today. On Shuffle. And there were a few songs that looped through several times. 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons. 'Happy' by Pharrell (the universe is attempting to boost up my neuroreceptors for joy). Hozier's 'Take me the Church'. But I'll leave you with this one by India Arie because it seems to resonate most with this day of reclaiming my sacred. Of honoring my strength, courage and wisdom.

"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

[Chorus:]
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.

Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:

[Chorus]

Vamp
I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you

Alchemy: owning our magical power to transform and create our lives

Alchemy: noun. a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.

I wouldn't say this entire process of transformation and creation has FELT magical and yet looking back, magic has infused and found its way into my life. It crept up on me. Helping heal my heart, mind, body and soul. Bringing me back to my power and understanding that I'm an alchemist. That in any moment I can take something and transform it. And here is the thing. We are all alchemists. Many of us weren't raised knowing it. That we could shine the light on sadness and transform it into great compassion or speaking our truth. That anger is fuel for passion, or justice, or new laws. That we can take rejection, hatred and judgment and alchemize it into clear boundaries and unconditional love. 

When I started connecting to my alchemical ways, there was one shift I found to be the hardest. Well, two shifts. One was that when I was feeling listless, depressed, mired down in the darkness was believing/knowing I could change this. I thought I was stuck in this energy. I spent months on my couch in this energy, watching sad things, listening to sad songs, talking about it and talking about it and talking about it also kept my mind in this low vibe state.  What I've been learning is that I can alchemize it. Honor I'm feeling low vibe. Know that it's just energy. Be curious about it. Take a long shower. Step outside and smell and feel fresh air. Make art. Throw an egg against a wall. Scream in the car. Take a walk in nature. Watch New Girl or bloopers on youtube and laugh. Change my thoughts from 'oh my god I'm going to spend the entire day inside in darkness feeling exhausted." to "I'll go outside, I'll listen for birds, I'll enjoy the sun on my face. I'll phone a friend." I'll give myself some time to go way deep into it and then I will go outside and eat lunch. I learned I had to change/shift the energy I was stuck in. That I could change and shift it. 

This saved my life. 

The other shift that I have epically resisted?  Getting into my body. Our bodies are made of matter. All of life is energy. Emotions, a table, a bird, a blade of grass, lentils, me. We are all composed of matter, of energy. So when my matter is dense and heavy and weighed down with low vibration energy, I commit to listening and moving to 3 songs. 3 songs to dance, shake, stretch, rage, get on the floor and move as slow as a snail, move around the room like a flamenco dancer. 3 songs to change my vibration.  Sometimes I spend 5 minutes stretching my right hip and feel that energy move through my body. I listen to music with different vibrations to move my cells and create a different resonance. Today I spent an hour listening to playful songs and then going into a much slower rhythm to s-l-o-w-l-y stretch my body. I let my body be my guide.

But I commit to 3 songs because I've noticed my mind wants to keep me safe which means being anywhere but my powerful body. "Hey, let's start our taxes." "Was that a text? You should go check the phone." "Did you get the mail yesterday?"  We are hardwired for resistance. New actions create change. So in committing to 3 songs, I am creating the pattern and habit of alchemy.

When I'm done I wash my hands, or take a shower and get that energy off of me. I go barefoot on the grass and connect to earth, give it this old energy and take in the clean high vibe energy of mother earth.  

I've mentioned a few things for you to research. Notice the lower vibrations. The heaviness. Alchemize It. Own your power with your intention, with your body, your mind and using the gift of mother nature, music, thoughts and choice and see what happens.

We have more power then we know.

To set boundaries, to say no, to change the tv channel from fear inducing news to laughter.  We have choice to see the best in people as we walk in a mall, or a parking lot or our workplace.  So keep noticing the heavy, keep moving through it. It's part of life but it doesn't have to own us. This is where the magic is.

We are all alchemists. 

If you are looking for alchemy music- follow me on Spotify!

Let your wild be your guide

Reclaiming your wild is about trusting yourself, your instincts. We get all these delicious signs, hints, nudges and what we are learning to do is listen. To trust. To act. And when we do this our lives open up in magical ways. I’ve learned to trust when to buy a one way ticket, when to have a roommate, when not to. When to eat a hamburger to help my body ground and when to juice for a few weeks. When to say yes to an invitation and when to say no. When to spend Thanksgiving by myself and when to be at a table surrounded by friends. When to stay in on a rainy night with a movie, or to sit in silence surrounded by candles and when to throw on a jacket and walk in the rain. Each moment is different. Listen and trust. There have been sunny summer days where I stayed inside all day (and a sunny summer day in Seattle is not a given) but I honored what my body and soul truly needed on that day.

This is where my freedom is: in trusting my own intuition and body over anything our culture taught me, anything from my family, from a book, a guru. 

This is the sweet spot of reclaiming our wild. 

Spend some time tuning into your intuition. Walk the aisles of a grocery store- forgetting everything you’ve read about nutrition/dieting (if you have) and see what your body says “YES!” to, lights up over. Forget your mind for a moment and trust yourself. I can’t tell you the number of times my body lit up over something which I then vetoed with my mind…and when I got home it was what I truly wanted and needed. I would have nourished myself in a much more profound way if I’d listened. 

And I do this when I'm in Seattle too.  I step out my front door and just go with no attachment, no plans. I've ended up bumping into friends and sharing meal, then walking to a farmer's market, coming home and baking. Then taking the treats to visit friends and playing with their kids. All I did was listen to keep my day open and walk outside the house and see where my body wanted to go. Then when it was in flow I cleaned my apartment, paid bills, wrote thank you cards. Everything that needs to get done, does. With so much more pleasure, joy and ease. 

Walk out your front door, step off the subway with no plan. See where your body guides you. I’ve had my most incredible travel days/life days when I had no plans and let my body be my guide. One day in Florence, Italy I followed it to a leather store where the clerk was a Seattle woman working there while going to culinary school. She gave me a restaurant recommendation which felt good and led meeting the owner and then sharing a table and dinner with a wonderfully kind and interesting American man there on business. He then snuck us into a museum after hours and we finished the night off with a gelato. I could never have imagined that or set out that day that ‘plan’. 

So put away the guidebooks, the to-do lists, start saying no to things that don’t light you up and see what starts coming into your life. Reclaim your intuition, your pleasure.  Listen, trust and see what magic and freedom unfolds for you. It’s so so good.

Let your wild be your guide.

                                                     Finding a dairy free chocolate sorbet- thank you intuition!

                                      Following my wild on bike in Amsterdam...a little tricky at times but the joy!

Pushing my steamer trunk off the pier and opening my medicine bag...

The other day I received this note on Facebook from a childhood friend.

"I just want to let you know that many of my happy childhood memories are with you up at your house. You are an amazing spirit and touched people even when you didn't think you did! You are a special soul! Love you Kim."

When did I lose this connection?  This sense of specialness in simply being me?  Knowing that my love was enough? That I was enough? When did you?

I look back on my life and am so saddened by how much self-hatred and self-doubt I carried with me as the heaviest of luggage for so long...imagine Rose's luggage from 'Titanic.' Hauling around trunk after trunk and there weren't 20-carat sapphire necklaces or resplendent dresses inside.  There was a lot of coal, black tar.

Because I didn't think me loving and being love was enough, was anything special.  My wires got crossed about what being 'a special soul' looked like.  It meant I had to be thinner, sexier, more powerful, be the Executive Director, the CEO, the interior designer, the rock climber.  I had to achieve and keep moving forward. 

Why did I come to believe I was wrong? Not enough? That I had to be this/be that to be loved?  To be seen?  By my family, by men, by work, by the stranger on the plane?

I was wrestling with this false version of self trying to attain and be it, rather than simply dropping that trunk of coal and opening up and delving into the richness of my own medicine bag which is full of so many luscious, magical treats.  There are wands, playlists, creative ideas galore, green drink recipes, tarot cards, one way tickets, a yoga mat, my tent for camping and my amazing dreamtime thermarest, heels for nights out, hugs, slow hip circles, trauma healing techniques, Salazon Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt, flip flops, my mermaid tail, flower oils, a loud laugh, an out of pitch singing voice, silliness, irreverence, and love. So much love.  

I look back and I was and am this bright spirit of love.  I have always done love capers and I lost all of that, well I lost the value of it. 'How are you going to monetize it? What is the value of this in the world?'  And letting others determine the value for me, rather believing the value they placed on it as truth.  The most magical, mystical, loving parts of me got shoved aside (by me) trying to fit into these cultural, patriarchal and feminist visions of me that I was told, "be this and you'll get success, love, safety and acceptance."  (My driving need for acceptance and approval is a blog post/400 page tome unto itself). So, I accepted this vision out of a primal fear of not fitting in, being poor, and unloved. And that's such, well, bullshit.

I am so light, I am love. I have always been good, kind, generous, and loving. And that matters. It counts for more than I know. Now, it didn't always come from the healthiest of places (I'll drive you to the airport at 3am even know I barely know you fellow Hallett Hall dorm person...please love me!)  But it came from a very real place within me.  A place that knows radical love transforms everything, connects everyone.  Telling someone when you like their shirt, their partner, their dog, their homemade cookies - and you mean it- that's love.  Listening to someone. Making someone their favorite ice cream cake.  Holding someone when they cry. Where would our world be without these moments? Without homemade cards and lemonade stands.  Without surprise parties and romantic gestures.  Without neighbor helping neighbor.  This is love. This is what we remember. This is what sustains us, what calls us.

So share your love wide, own it, bathe in it, reach into your well and bring all that love up to share, it's not like there's a scarcity.  I want to pass knowing I have rung out every ounce of love and joy that was mine to share. That every gift in my medicine bag is used with total delight and love. 

What steamer trunk can you delightfully shove off the end of the pier and watch sink away?What do you see when you peer into your medicine bag?  Tell me, I'd love to know!  Take it out and enjoy. The world is waiting, needing for you to own and share your gifts and your love. 

Yours in lightened voyages and magical days, 

Kim

Enjoying the light...and chocolate