What Colin Firth made me think about...it might surprise you

I recently watched the beautiful movie 'A Single Man.'  The single man is portrayed by Colin Firth and as he prepares to die, he speaks Spanish with a native speaker and says "I should have used it more." 

And it made me think and wonder, if I were to pass in this moment...what do I wish, what should I have used more?

I wish I would have used my voice more.  I wish I would have shared more of my musings, my opinions, my perspectives, my emotions, my truth. I wish all those unpublished blog posts from over the years were out in the world. I wish my visions of dinner parties, an 80s prom had come to pass. I wish I would have poured more of my heart out into the world. I wish I had followed that man I passed by in Venice, Italy that made my body sing. He invited me after all. More letters and words of thank you, I appreciate you.  I wish I had shared more my true talents, my intuition, and my knowing.  I should have used my body more: danced, stretched, hiked, kayaked, napped in parks, swayed, raged, received and given long more hugs and more caresses, more sex, passion and heat.  I should have looked more people in the eye, taken deeper breathes, had more gratitude and spent more time in nature. I should have used my boldness and vision more and shared more, shared openly, been delighted by my observations. I should have used my giggle more, my laughter, my whimsy, my creativity. More cartwheels, more camping.  

I am hoping I have many days ahead of me to fulfill these wishes and shoulds. So when that day comes, there is no wishing, no should have used more of's left.  Rather there is a deep peace of knowing I lived full out. Knowing I didn't hold back.  That all my love was expressed, all my wisdom shared, all my creativity birthed into the world. All of my vulnerabilities out there, my dreams created, my desires met. Because I went for it. I lived boldly, took risks and knew I was loved in every moment which made it all the sweeter.

What about you? What do you wish you had used more? I delight in reading your answer.

Making some wishes on multiple cupcakes...may all our wishes be experienced. 

Lessons I learned from my comb

I had really short hair most of my life. Really short. I see border agents quizzically look at my passport photo with my 1" hairdo and then at me with my hair tumbling past my shoulders. (doesn't tumbling sound so romantic?)

Anywho- back to my comb.  Two summers ago I was visiting my friend Maddy who has an amazing 10 year-old daughter named Ella with lovely long hair.  I went upstairs one afternoon and found Maddy brushing out Ella's hair and saw how she slowly, gently started at the bottom and made her way up.  Not the way I did it.  I yanked that comb from top to bottom, through my hair with the same force as I would use pulling a tarp over my tent in the middle of Hurricane Alfred. Far from gentle and slow. I would yank, pull, tear and force that comb through my hair...eventually getting my way with lots of energy used, some pain, and a comb full of hair still in knots. Oh well, just the price for long hair I figured.

NO.

Just the price of forcing something.  

When I saw Maddy I felt it.  I felt my body soften, I felt tenderness in watching this sweet scene and I realized my comb was trying to get me to slow down, to be gentle and sweet with myself.  That in brushing out my hair and in living life I didn't have to yank, pull, force or lose so much.

That it didn't have to be painful. 

So thank you Maddy, Ella and my comb.  I must say I am enjoying our sweet time together so much more these days and my hair is loving tumbling past my shoulders without all that pain.

Where are you forcing things? Where in your life could you add some gentleness and sweetness?  What is your comb trying to tell you? Listen, it's smarter than you think. 

Not much combing happening with this hairdo in 2006. Flatirons, Boulder, CO. No selfies of me with my comb.

Owning my Wild in NYC

This summer I was walking through Central Park enjoying the kids playing, walkers, joggers, bicyclists, rollerbladers, vendors...and I wanted to be in my body...I wanted to dance. So I followed my intuition and was guided to the area around West 78th with trees, magical hills of rocks, and benches and railings straight out of Lord of the Rings. Mystical. Ancient. Primitive. I found a flat rock surface, hit play on spotify and danced it out amongst the wild of Central Park. I felt a bit self conscious and then it melted away as I got more and more into my body.  And after days of walking all over the concrete and linear lines of NYC it felt so good to be in nature and move my body to the music. 

I wonder if we danced more, showed and embraced this wild, soulful side of ourselves to each other how the world would be different?  

If you're on Spotify you can check out my dancing playlists that help me get into my wild heart and body.  Enjoy and I hope you dance away...in your living room, in the middle of Central Park, or in aisle 6.  

happy dancing twinkle toes.

Pushing my steamer trunk off the pier and opening my medicine bag...

The other day I received this note on Facebook from a childhood friend.

"I just want to let you know that many of my happy childhood memories are with you up at your house. You are an amazing spirit and touched people even when you didn't think you did! You are a special soul! Love you Kim."

When did I lose this connection?  This sense of specialness in simply being me?  Knowing that my love was enough? That I was enough? When did you?

I look back on my life and am so saddened by how much self-hatred and self-doubt I carried with me as the heaviest of luggage for so long...imagine Rose's luggage from 'Titanic.' Hauling around trunk after trunk and there weren't 20-carat sapphire necklaces or resplendent dresses inside.  There was a lot of coal, black tar.

Because I didn't think me loving and being love was enough, was anything special.  My wires got crossed about what being 'a special soul' looked like.  It meant I had to be thinner, sexier, more powerful, be the Executive Director, the CEO, the interior designer, the rock climber.  I had to achieve and keep moving forward. 

Why did I come to believe I was wrong? Not enough? That I had to be this/be that to be loved?  To be seen?  By my family, by men, by work, by the stranger on the plane?

I was wrestling with this false version of self trying to attain and be it, rather than simply dropping that trunk of coal and opening up and delving into the richness of my own medicine bag which is full of so many luscious, magical treats.  There are wands, playlists, creative ideas galore, green drink recipes, tarot cards, one way tickets, a yoga mat, my tent for camping and my amazing dreamtime thermarest, heels for nights out, hugs, slow hip circles, trauma healing techniques, Salazon Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt, flip flops, my mermaid tail, flower oils, a loud laugh, an out of pitch singing voice, silliness, irreverence, and love. So much love.  

I look back and I was and am this bright spirit of love.  I have always done love capers and I lost all of that, well I lost the value of it. 'How are you going to monetize it? What is the value of this in the world?'  And letting others determine the value for me, rather believing the value they placed on it as truth.  The most magical, mystical, loving parts of me got shoved aside (by me) trying to fit into these cultural, patriarchal and feminist visions of me that I was told, "be this and you'll get success, love, safety and acceptance."  (My driving need for acceptance and approval is a blog post/400 page tome unto itself). So, I accepted this vision out of a primal fear of not fitting in, being poor, and unloved. And that's such, well, bullshit.

I am so light, I am love. I have always been good, kind, generous, and loving. And that matters. It counts for more than I know. Now, it didn't always come from the healthiest of places (I'll drive you to the airport at 3am even know I barely know you fellow Hallett Hall dorm person...please love me!)  But it came from a very real place within me.  A place that knows radical love transforms everything, connects everyone.  Telling someone when you like their shirt, their partner, their dog, their homemade cookies - and you mean it- that's love.  Listening to someone. Making someone their favorite ice cream cake.  Holding someone when they cry. Where would our world be without these moments? Without homemade cards and lemonade stands.  Without surprise parties and romantic gestures.  Without neighbor helping neighbor.  This is love. This is what we remember. This is what sustains us, what calls us.

So share your love wide, own it, bathe in it, reach into your well and bring all that love up to share, it's not like there's a scarcity.  I want to pass knowing I have rung out every ounce of love and joy that was mine to share. That every gift in my medicine bag is used with total delight and love. 

What steamer trunk can you delightfully shove off the end of the pier and watch sink away?What do you see when you peer into your medicine bag?  Tell me, I'd love to know!  Take it out and enjoy. The world is waiting, needing for you to own and share your gifts and your love. 

Yours in lightened voyages and magical days, 

Kim

Enjoying the light...and chocolate

Tribe. Community. Love. Support.

I just got back from dinner with 7 of my dear friends. Women who have supported me through divorce, unemployment, transformation, uncertainty, grief, feeling lost and lonely, found and delighted. I try and find the words for this sensation. For the feeling of unconditional love. For the feeling of knowing people are here cheering me on, loving me no matter what. Regardless of all the external that is happening in my life. Being loved, feeling loved, my essence and very being feeling safe and honored.

unforgettable. irrevocable. magic. held. priceless. healing. 

When so many things are shifting having some people in your corner is beyond a gift.  Sisters that grounded me, stood for me, held me, supported me through years of shape shifting, excavating, sobbing, declarations that proved fruitless, feeling lost, worthless, confused, devastated, joyful, hopeful. 

Having people who created a container while I fell apart, left all I knew behind to find my home, my truth.  Who I knew I could call upon for hugs, a wise word, perspective. For love. 

I don't have the words for what having these women show up for me means.  

FOR ME.

For who I am. For who they love.

No agenda but my happiness, my feeling seen and whole. How the power of their love alchemized fear, doubt and a broken heart into love.  My wish for all of you reading this is that you feel love. That you are surrounded by those who stand for the highest version of yourself when you are lost in the darkest places, the pieces you have to roll around in the mud with, the angst, the grief. That these people hold the light, the mirror of your worth, your beauty. May you be as blessed as I have with soul tribe who wanted more for me than I wanted for myself. Who saw more in me than I saw in myself. Who helped teach me my beauty, my magic, my worth.

So to these dear friends and many others I say thank you from the deepest, truest place in my soul. I say thank you for seeing me when I couldn't, for being fierce for me when I couldn't.  For loving me when I couldn't, when all I could see was my weakness, my darkest places. When I wallowed in victim. Thank you for being light, when all I could do was be in the darkness.

And thank you seems not near enough. 

I hug you for hours, I bring your armloads of flowers, wheelbarrows of the finest chocolate, vats of the most delicious wine.  Thank you. Thank you for standing for me when I couldn't stand for myself. When I didn't know I was worth it. 

I am humbled.  I am grateful. I am full of tears and joy for the blessings bestowed upon me.  May my offerings and the way I walk through the world be a living testament of my appreciation. May I hold unconditionally loving space for those who feel as lost, lonely, broken and unworthy as I did. The gift you gave will not go unreciprocated.  The vastness of your love will be shared, paid forward to infinity.    

From my wild heart to yours: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

PS it's also really fun to giggle about how sexy we think Jamie from Outlander is.