We really are quite brave to dive into all of this gunk, to help restore sanity and balance into our lives and the world.
I want you to breathe that in.
'I'm Brave. I'm honoring things don't feel good. I'm not pretending. I'm not pushing them down or away.
I'm Brave. Courageous.
I'm stepping out of what is, to become more of me, to come home. To live my wild free life.'
So for today
remember your bravery, your courage.
and be kind and gentle with your brave, beautiful self.
A few months back I was out for walk in Montana and as I rounded the corner of the road this thought hit me and I stopped in my tracks. "Oh, I've been transforming...." For so long I thought I was healing, getting fixed etc. Really I was transforming: my heart, my cells, my body, my thoughts. I was changing all of it...which takes time, energy, patience, surrender, release, gumption...repeat repeat. Some of that I sucked at. I gave myself a really hard time that things weren't happening faster, that I still wasn't earning 6 figures and working at Microsoft. All these ideas I had about what it would look like what I was finally PERFECT/WHOLE/FITTING IN.
And I was always whole. Please. I am amazing human being, which I didn't know and own in most parts of my life. I was transforming, releasing my adaption to survive and changing it all to THRIVE! I was stepping towards my gorgeous, wise, magical, mystical, loving self. Reclaiming the steps I'd taken away from myself throughout 35 years of living. That can take longer than a 3-day workshop. It takes years and then some more, and yes then some more. I'll always be transforming.
I remember that moment in Montana when I rounded the corner, I put my hands on my knees, bowed my head and did a combo laugh/cry. I called a friend and said to her I just figured out I've been transforming! "Ohhhhhh transforming." That shifted everything in my perspective. I understood that transformation is a process, it takes time, it's layers, cyclical, like peeling an onion (with the tears). It's not something you type out on an excel spread sheet and follow. Transformation is commitment, it's binge watching Friday Night Lights when you're on the precipice of a huge transformation and your ego is holding on for dear life, it's getting rid of clothes, books, clutter, relationships, it's screaming into your pillow, your car, it's watching Mr. Darcy walk across that field 48 times (okay, could be more), it's taking risks, being vulnerable, showing your heart and soul, buying those personal development books and not reading them all the way through (or at all), it's falling in and out of love with yourself a thousand times a day, then a hundred, then ten...then trying to maintain that bliss and ecstasy of supreme self-love.
This might take more than a minute, it's subtle, it's obvious, it's hilarious, it's painful, it's so damn good and satisfying and full of mystery, miracles and more. I want all of this for you, for all of us. I want you to bask in your sublime essence, your beauty, your love. Please. Come home and I ask of you to be kind, gently and loving with yourself as you do. You are magnificent. You are brave. You are whole.
Oh garlic how i love you…and how you keep me up all night with your crazy dreams and tossing and turning. I wake up exhausted, head throbbing feeling like I drank a bottle of red wine in 15 minutes.
I’ve known about my garlic dreams for years now and am very conscious of making sure to avoid dishes with that flavorful beast lurking inside. Yesterday I fell back into a good girl behavior and ate a salad with garlic, knowingly. UGG. I ate a few bites and then asked the chef and he said ‘no garlic’ my body knew, my taste buds knew and yet I ate away- not wanting to be uncomfortable in asserting I knew there was garlic. Not wanting to make them uncomfortable, but really it was about me being uncomfortable asserting my intuition and my knowing and standing for myself. And so I lose a good nights sleep. I feel cranky, worn down and frustrated that in that moment I didn’t trust myself and say, 'I'd like something else.' Seemingly benign words, loaded with a lifetime of good girl adaption. Wouldn't want to rock the boat at a restaurant in Montreal where they will never see me again. God forbid! A microcosm of my life- these little moments where I give away my power, choosing to avoid ‘conflict’ and uncomfortable sensations rather than stand for my pleasure, for feeling good, for taking care of myself first.
UGG. AGAIN.
This is a pattern I’ve repeated for so much of my life small to big moments way beyond garlic salads: yes to nights out when my body wanted to stay in, buying clothes that weren't a hell yes, not asking for raises, not quitting jobs, getting married, leaving friendships. Having a deep knowing that something was off, that this wasn't the best thing for me, that "this salad has garlic, I can taste it and feel it" My body told me not to and my brain and I over road it.
Not honoring myself, not trusting myself, wanting to be polite and nice rather than being uncomfortable or making someone else uncomfortable - it's led to some doozies. Being at parties I didn't want to attend, saying yes to volunteer jobs I didn't have time for or the desire to do, vacations, dates, spending time with people I didn't feel great around. And let's get real. There are consequences, far worse that a bad nights sleep: lost time, life force energy, money feeling worn down, resentful and simply this novel idea for me, 'this doesn't feel good.'
LIFE GETS TO FEEL GOOD.
We don't have to adapt to feeling bad, disrespected, unloved, uninspired, and disconnected. Many of us have.
We have more choices than we imagine and allow.
So Good Girl let’s quit being nice. Let’s quit giving up our pleasure. Let’s quit making it so easy for others and so hard on ourselves. Let’s honor our own hearts, bodies and minds first then put the oxygen mask on others. And if they keep tearing the oxygen mask off or shoving it back in your face...drop it and let them figure it out for themselves. We don't have to save everybody. We can't.
So here's to daring to be uncomfortable as I press this edge of mine, of asking for what I need and when it's not met, not just rolling over, 'oh well, at least I asked!' No, ask again. Send the salad back.
Here's to us honoring ourselves, our needs, our hearts and being brave to ask ourselves, others, the universe what we need and want. Because when we do this it leads to more pleasure, respect, truth and joy for all and most importantly, ourselves.
Now, where's that garlic-free salad?
What are your garlic salads? Where have you adapted to feeling bad? Where can you stand for your pleasure and speak your needs? I'm here for you, cheering you on, loving you up.
It is with awe and humility that I witness people’s souls, hearts and bodies mend. That I can sit with them in that moment- wherever either of us are and just be together. As they take steps towards themselves, as I take a step towards myself. Tenative, bold, investigative. Not knowing the next step, just knowing this was the place we were meant to be in this moment. Two strangers on a plane, a train, a restaurant counter, a park bench… talking about divorce, death, fear, heartache, boundaries. This is the life I lead. I love hearing people share their stories. it reminds me I’m not alone, not an overly sensitive freak who needs to get over it. That I’m a human whose heart was broken and I needed to stop and feel it all and help it heal. And that I am far from alone.
I love that I’m stepping towards me, the true me, the essence of me, the huge hearted me that has so much love to give and desires to do so without reservation or fear of having my heart broken. The me that now knows I can protect myself and practice discernment. My heart is whole, a little timid still but so ready to step out into the world and offer more of my love, more of my light, my joy radiating through the world regardless of where I am or what I am doing.
What love can you give yourself today? Where can you step towards yourself- regardless of what your family, your work, yourself, your community thinks? You change the world when you come home to your beautiful wild self, you free us all.
I just spent 4 magical days at Wanderlust in Stratton, Vermont nestled at the bottom of a ski mountain doing downward dogs, dancing, singing, shaking. Another round of reclaiming my wild, my body, my heart…living it out loud in the world with other folks doing the same.
IT ROCKED.
I FELT ALIVE. I FELT SEEN. I FELT AT HOME.
In my body, my heart…every part of me was in alignment. Being in and near nature, delicious whole foods, hiking, so much time in body, good sleep, new people, juicy conversations, the feeling of joy, of possibility.
I took classes called Sing Hallelujah, Spiritually Fly, Awakening Shakti, How to Start a Global Movement, Healing Trauma with Energry Medicine Yoga, Embodied Heart, Dance with Your Funky and Divine (which I totally did).
I listened to the inspiring words of Seane Corn, Suzanne Sterling, Elena Brower and many others. I was moved to ecstasy and tears by the dance of Toni Bergins. I handed out love caper cards. I napped in the sun. I felt inspired and alive.
And as I met people and shared that I’m writing a book about reclaiming our wild hearts and bodies they start telling me their stories. For years this has happened and I didn’t realize how important it is to be seen in our journeys. To be listened to and loved. And everyone has a story of being broken hearted. And now we are honoring and learning how that creates broken bodies, dis-ease. For years I couldn't sit cross legged, lean down and touch my forehead to my knee because my body was so constricted from trauma. Last year at the age of 40 I was finally able to do so. And yes there were tears and joy! It was such a moment of tangible change in my system, of feeling and seeing the trauma move its way out of my body so my body is in flow and more relaxed.
At Wanderlust a woman shared that in class she burst into tears and then cried for hours. Something moving, shifting, releasing within her. She was apologetic about it and I cheered her on. "That's amazing! Now remember when you're crying to move your body, make sounds and put your hand on your lower back to move all that energy out. Let it go!"
Our bodies hold on to so much for us, they take so much on and one of the kindest things we can do for them is to nourish them kind words, deeds, food, gentle movement, temper tantrums, dance breaks, shaking, tapping...getting all they hold on to - out of our sweet selves.
We've held on to it long enough.
And I really got that we all experience trauma in some form or another- usually everyday. Stress of commute, work, family, life, violent words towards ourselves, from others, systems, rules, ugg. Our hearts and bodies can be broken in little and big ways everyday. And we need to admit that, honor it and learn the tools to move through it rather than pretend it's not happening.
I took an incredible energy medicine class with Lauren Walker who offers practical everyday tools for dealing with trauma and stress. One I'll share here - our eyes hold 80% of the stress in our bodies (who knew!) - so by placing your palms over your eyes, fingers on your forehead and your thumbs on your ears, closing your eyes and taking some deep breathes (in nose/out the mouth) you are releasing stress. You are taking care of yourself. You are changing your energy system, you are calming yourself down, bringing your systems back into balance and harmony. And that is such gorgeous, powerful, transformative self love. This changes the world, your body, your heart. By calming yourself down, you calm down the world.
So take some time today (and everyday) to release stress and trauma from your body- in a way that is healthy and safe for you and those around you. Dance, shake, put your hands over your eyes, stretch your hips, hang over your toes...move it out, let it go.
We've held on to it long enough.
Here are more tips from the wise and lovely Lauren http://lkwalker.com/EMyoga.html