For much of my life, and I'm sensing for all of us here, we have been adapting. Adapting to family culture, to our regional culture, to being a woman as it's been laid out for us. I have been spending a lot of time reparenting myself these last few years and today, the day I'm getting my period, where emotions are rolling through me, where I feel connected to the collective pain of women, I tuned into a part of me that is so afraid of completely claiming my wild.
Will I be LOVED?
I cried these tears for this girl who more than anything wants to be loved, who more than anything wants to release all these adaptations that are so constrictive, so exhaustive, depleting, so out of alignment with my truth of wild hearted love and living.
It's a lot for her to get that she gets to be loved. And she thinks of it as Daddy love, of brother love, of being loved by men. That that is the litmus test for my worth. That means once I meet my man there is some final destination of 'oh, now I know I'm worthy, now I know I am lovable.' Waiting for the Love part in Eat, Pray, Love.
And instead the universe brings me love every day in so many other forms, constantly affirming my lovability. I've just been so focused on the man love part I forgot to always be grateful and truly receive the copious amounts of other love that is here for me. An afternoon with a sister where she buys me lunch because she appreciated my support. Receiving a drink from the hotel manager as a thank you for writing a thank you letter for the great service. A hug from a friend. Sun on my face as I walk outside. Being guided to gluten free restaurants so I can have that burger and feel good in my body. An invitation to a party where I am hugged and appreciated. Tulips. My health. being guided to a church on Saturday for some sanctuary and reminder of the beauty of my heart.
all LOVE. big love. real love. true love.
And so if I can stop the adaptation that this male love means more than the other. If I can stop adapting to being the good girl to receive that male love. If i can truly claim my wild desires to travel the world, to have lovers, to explore my sexuality and my sensuality for my pleasure, if I can release myself from the confines of my adaptation...well this is love. This is the legendary love affair I've been living more and more every day.
So here's to releasing our adaptations, every day letting go of a sense of shame, should, silence, denial, push back, overthinking, over eating. Here's to trusting our wild. Trusting that in leading this wild life, we are more loved than every imagined.
If only by ourselves for finally being in alignment and knowing we are living our wild truth, however that looks for each of us.
And I sense, and have experienced, that as I do this I feel more truly loved. Not artificial good girl love. But here I am with mascara running down my face loved. Don't care you love show tunes love. Think you are so incredible for one way tickets love. Loved more and more for my essence as I claim it, as I love up this little one who is so scared to do it wrong, to miss out on love in any form. Who feels so undernourished in receiving unconditional love.
So we are going to go for a walk and get a gluten free veggie burger, some dairy free ice cream, feel the sun on our face, feel the love of the trees we walk by, go to Qoya and be hugged by friends, dance this through and come back to another depth of our wild. Another depth of self love. Releasing more and more adaptations.
Where are you adapting and not living your wild? What is one thing you can do/be today to reclaim your wild? You are so loved. Let your wild heart guide you to your truth. Let your legendary love affair be with yourself.
Check out this YouTube video of John Mayer performing "Free Fallin'."