Sometimes my wild is tender and quiet, soft. Stillness, allowing and just being.
Today, I was intent on finishing some RYW cards, I woke up and wrote a bit, did my morning dance ritual and had a little cry. So glad I did that, “Now, on with my day!” Except I kept trying to get the cards done but the energy and tone of them didn’t feel authentic, it felt forced. My head was pounding. When I had inexplicable computer issues I knew it was time to close my laptop and head upstairs. I curled up on the window seat welcoming in the nourishing sun, feeling my body and heart soften. Just being. Then I moved over to the bed, still in the sun, curled up like a cat and then the tears started and then more…
Sometimes, when I feel these tears coming, I notice I can still get afraid of them, that they are going to lead me back into the deep abyss of depression I was in for so long…so I can push them away. Then I tried to figure out what this was (‘because I got reflexology yesterday and it moved some old emotions through my body?) and then I gave up trying to figure it out. I just cried and tried to breathe and felt tender and loved and so I cried and wept
and wept some more
and I thought I was done
but I wasn’t
I still had more in me
more layers of old stuff being transmuted and alchemized by love
more stuff releasing to let in more good, more light
more tissue needed...off to the bathroom
I saw myself in the mirror: red face, puffy eyes. This wild creature with hair coming out of my ponytail. Red, splotchy face, alive.
It felt like a miracle to let all of this out, to set it free, rather than trying to hold on to it, contain it, control it, think about it, which is why it's all still there. We have to feel it and let it out. You can't contain wild: it comes out one way or another.
So, it’s time to exhale, to feel our shoulders relax, to feel the back of our hearts be full, to feel a spaciousness in our bodies.
Expansion and spaciousness. Flow and ease. Presence. Connection. Love.
In slowing down, in letting my body take the lead and guide my day rather than my mind this huge wave of pent up emotion got out of my sweet body, which has been holding on to this toxic crap long enough. So it didn't matter that it was a Wednesday at noon, it happened when it happened. It happened when I stopped trying to control it, slowed down and tuned into my body.
After I napped for a bit and let my system calm down, I walked to Cafe Gratitude for dinner and ordered the Whole…which somehow felt just right.
Whole: the dark and the light, the joy, play and the tears. All of it wild, all of it about completely letting go of my agenda, my plan for the day.
I took my sweet, precious body to a chill yoga class to help it keep letting go thinking there could be more tears. Instead, there were huge smiles. Turned out the theme was about allowing, being in the feminine which isn’t flashy but where so much juice happens. We started with hula moves (I love me a good hula). We held gentle poses for 5 minutes to get underneath the contraction to create more flow. Creating and delighting in spaciousness. Pretty perfect way to end my day.
Mahalo, Namaste and Glittery Bubbles of Love,
Where did you force it today? Stay attached to your agenda? what was your mind intent on doing instead of staying in flow? How/Where can you just be, allow and receive even more?