I have an acupuncturist/healer that I go to. She once told me that everyone who sits across from her really wants to be loved and that it's amazing what people do to be loved. Start corporations when they really want to be a stay at home parent, have affairs when they really want to create a deeply loving, intimate, sexual relationship with a partner, write books when they want to paint, create websites when they'd rather be volunteering, get a Ph.D when they really want to a surf instructor in Sayulita, Mexico, have kids when they really to travel the world solo. There is so much I have done in the name of love that is not my truth and I've spent the last few years untangling myself from living those lies. Healing up my body, my soul and transforming my life more and more to live my wild truth.
I spent my life thinking that if I created a successful business, was the President of NBC, started a multimillion dollar non-profit that stopped domestic abuse, was famous, was a size 6, had no stretch marks, masked all of my dark and messy emotions, and was perfect that I would be loved and all would be well. That these achievements would bring me love. Being wild is about throwing off these should and judgment shackles, these ideas of what makes us lovable and worthy and instead being in total adoring approval of who we are and living an unbound life. free free free. so check in, what are you doing in hopes of being love?
You are loved. I adore you. I think you are incredible, deliciously perfect and so worthy. Live here in this place of love, create from here and enjoy being in the flow of your wild life trusting that every day things are happening to bring you back home, to more love.
For me, yesterday it was writing a blog post, then heading out on bike in a massive rainstorm to go get waxed. Where I met Luciana a Brazilian woman, a soul sister. We talked about family, forgiveness, men, dating, saying whatever we wanted, trying to not care what others think about us, we laughed, we hugged and then I was off to deliver a gift to a friend of a friend. Then to a Chinese doctor who used a jade stone and scraped my back, head and face to help remove all the toxins that have been stored in my body from stress (living in fear of not being loved if I truly show up as myself and ask for what I want and need, to be messy, imperfect, to take up space, not feeling safe being me) and get my energy levels up. To heal up my adrenals and have more energy for the life I truly want to lead. Back on my bike, past the stunning Rijksmuseum to an organic food store where I bought some coconut water and other goodies to support my organs and body detoxing.
I came home and rested for a bit and felt my body talking to me- this part of me that is so so so tired of proving she is worthy of loving- of all the life force energy I spent being the good girl to be loved. She wants to relax, to giggle, to date, to feel safe in her body, to be held, be seen, to know her feelings and her needs matters. She wants to be profoundly and deeply loved for exactly who she is. So there were sweet tears and release. More toxins leaving my precious body that has carried a weight that is not mine to carry. I am unburdening my load, creating space for more joy and true love. I made a veggie dinner, read a romance novel (I am so over self-help books and all those things that feel like I have to be different than I am to be loved), had an hour call with my coach/mentor/wise woman, posted a bunch of Valentine's love caper ideas on Facebook to get that energy going in the world, took a hot bath and went to bed at 11:30 to take better care of my body (I tend to be a night owl, which stresses out our bodies).
I didn't solve world hunger, or write a Tony award winning play, or plant 10 trees to counter-act global warming. I laughed, I cried, I whistled, I smiled, I connected with people, I took beautiful care of my body, I trusted myself, I read something that turned me on and made me happy. I nourished myself with beautiful food. I took steps to regain my footing in the world as me. I honored that what I want most in life is a nurturing, love filled relationship with self and others. That I desire to meet my man so I can feel more supported and we can create more magic together than apart and to do that I have to let go of the old. This was my wild day.
Today will be different.
The thing I can commit to and know is that it was be a day of making choices to love myself, to nourish myself, to be more of me in the world and as I look ahead I sense more changes, more transformation, more time spent in my body rather than my head, more truth telling, more irreverence and joy. Perhaps volunteering at Wanderlust, Oahu or going to a dance retreat in Bali? Creating a reclaim your wild video, using Tinder, moving from Seattle? It is all unfolding because I have to trust, that in following my pleasure, that in loving myself and stepping away from the rules, from the patriarchal shoulds I am reclaiming my true power, my true purpose, my womanhood, my joy and I love myself too much now to live a lie, to live a life that is not my wild truth.