In the past few weeks I've felt a huge transformation within me, another thick layer of my Sweet Vidalia onion being peeled back and ready to be shared. A part so deep and ancient within me, so aching to come out to be seen and so scared that something so personal will be rejected, scorned, disbelieved, discarded, ignored, judged.
My broken wild heart.
For most of my life I pretended my heart wasn't broken. It went beyond the good girl mask. It was a lie so deep it almost derailed my life and it took me years of onion peeling to get to this truth. And I now know I am not alone. As I tell my stories I hear from you, and I know...
There are so many of us with broken wild hearts.
Aching to be seen, to be loved, to held. I see you. I hold you. I can feel your beautiful broken wild heart. Can you feel mine?
A few months ago I was in Montana where I always seem to find myself when I am gently peeling back a thick layer of onion. On my first night there I typed out the following. I share it with you to share my broken wild heart because that's what I'm here to do- to share all of me, so we can reclaim our wild hearts together.
'I found one of those places today, so deep inside of me that if I hadn’t paused I would have gone right over it. A piece of me that startled me and then felt like something I had known was there for so long. This piece that is so fucking afraid of letting go of the pain. How could I let this piece in, how could I ever let go of the sense of outrage I have, the depth of my heartache? It's like betraying myself all over again, silence before, and silence again? Acquiescence again? You win. You’re right. You get to walk away scott free…again. And this time by my own hands. This feels so fucking wrong. It feels outrageously, soul wounding wrong. It feels like betrayal. Again.
I pray on this.
"Guides, Angels, sister goddesses, ancestress, the Divine, Universe
I have a prayer for you. I pray for you to help me heal my heartache. To help me release all anger and hatred, rage, injustice, grief, sorrow I hold in my heart, in my cells, in my brain, in my energy field. I ask you help me see that in keeping such a hold on this story I am not helping myself heal. I ask you to help me see that justice has and will happen in ways that my brain cannot believe. That I do not need to sacrifice myself waiting for justice. And what is justice anyway? And that I do not need others to understand or honor the pain I feel. And that I do not need others to apologize in order for me to heal. I do not need them to honor my heart or my emotions. I need to do this and I must trust that I do not need them to understand to validate my experience, to help heal my heart. I offer up my impassioned surrender to you divine. I offer up my upmost letting go, to transmute and alchemize this heartache.
I ask that you surround me with your love, your light, your open hearts as I delve into this deep belief, this deep pain that If I forgive, my pain did not happen, that if I forgive, I am once again being the good girl and making it better for everyone. That I am betraying myself…again. I ask for love to this part of me that has such fear in letting go. That wants justice, vengeance, understanding. That believes, so deeply and so profoundly that if I forgive I am rolling over once again: letting the patriarchy have its way, letting the system win, that I am denying the pain, I am pretending my heart didn’t break into a million pieces, that I am being disloyal and dishonest to my sweet, precious soul and body once again. That I am not being a truth teller.
I light some candles, I ask for guidance. I ask for wisdom. I ask for grace to transmute this deep deep ancient fear and pain. For me to believe that I can release the grip on this pain and I am not dishonoring myself in the process.
I make myself a cup of tea and the tag on the tea bag says “Empty yourself and let the universe fill you up.”
I feel my heart soften. I feel my deep heartache come to the front. I love it up. I open my hands toward the sky and I surrender. “I give this to you because I have no idea what do with the heartache. I have no idea how to make this right with me. show me. guide me.”
I empty myself. I empty myself and I do my best to trust that in doing so my heart heals, that in letting go I am honoring myself in the most profound and beautiful of ways. Letting go, letting the universe fill me up, this is my worship, this is how my wild heart heals.