And I have not forgotten that I left my love story with L mid story...here is the rest of that chapter, actually, here is the next chapter...All of this takes place over 10 days...I arrive back at the lodge, where he works, that is how I met him...
And so I return, I am nervous, I am sweating, my lil dress is pitted out. i am grateful I know the driver and we are able to laugh and share and talk about what I am writing about- I tell him in my spanglish, that I'm writing about my life, all of it, my heart, my soul, my truth and he unzips his sweatshirt and expands his chest out, like you are showing yourself to the world and i say yes. And then there he is. L is there in front of me, shaking this man’s hand and hugging me. And i would say on the kim shirley scale of happy to see you, I’m giving it a 6.5…which makes me nervous, I get an esta bien, a hug and that is all I see of thim that day. I take my tender, raw self back to my cabana (not because of L, simply because that is where I'm at at this moment), where there are so many memories of L.
Here is what I know, my body guided me to come back here and so today by the Rio De Las Vueltas, I am tenderly eating an apple, I am tenderly stretching my body, I am so slowly walking across a meadow, through the stream to a tiny island and my body starts to move, oh-so-tenderly. the wind is tender, the sun too. the river feels tender and slow today too. and my body relaxs and sinks into tenderness. Taking in the horses grazing within 30 feet of me, as I dance, as I dance to reclaim this feeling in my body, this energy in my life. As I create this experience regardless of L, I am receiving tenderness, I feel it in every cell, as the wind caresses my hair, as my extended arm offers a tender place for my head to land, for 30 minutes I do this dance with the divine, this dance of tenderness, calling it in for myself, for my sisters, my brothers. Allowing my body to experience the beauty of tenderness, the gift of it - and this is the moment a few tears flow. THIS? this is possible. I never knew. I never knew it could be like this. and now i have THIS memory in my body of what is possible. This energy of love, this note, this tone. Gratitude. Humbled as i dance with the mountains, the sun, the wind, the land with wild horses grazing nearby, once again under the watchful gaze of Mt Fitz Roy and so close to the Rio de Vueltas, where I keep returning to again and again.
coming back to myself, agian and again
May we have this dance with tenderness, may we walk away and change the energy of rage and abuse. May we all be free with our love, may the walls keep tumbling down. i don’t have words for this dance, for how it feels in my system, to sink deeper into softness, to understand i can have this energetic experience and also now share it with another, that i can ask for this, receive this and not have to give in order to receive. I spend the day sleeping. I come back to my tenderness, being tender for myself, to myself. I walk as slow as i ever walked through this meadow, i notice flowers in a way i never have before, i am tender with everything. I cry, and write, and put on music and stretch. i wrap myself up in my hot pink scarf and cocoon with the sun. And L, well I don't see him that day.
And the next morning I am so tired, I am out eating my breakfast at 11:30 on the stairs and there he is. i am so soft and tender and he leans his cheek out for a kiss, and so i kiss him. and he asks me how i am. and i say i am tired. my body is tired. but i do not say why, my brain is like 'he is holding a tray of meat, now is not the time.' i tell him i haven’t slept well. i do not tell him about the dream, i do not open up and share. and as he builds a fire and barbecues the meat. I stretch and stretch on the deck. moving so so slowly. and then i head to the beach sure, today is the day he will come to me. today is the day he will wrap me up in his arms. And I spend the day much like the day before. Hours of tenderness in my body, hours of sunshine, stretching, napping, moving so slow. And L doesn't come to the beach. When I see him that night I can feel the energy is different and all these stories come tumbling out, it wasn't real, my age, my body...all of these things I must move through.
And it takes me 4 days, 4 days to ask him, what is happening. And the moment it happens? After I spent an hour stretching and dancing in the lodge and he brings me a smoothie, he reaches out to me. And I ask what is different- His boss saw us kiss in town, when I leapt out of the cab. And L got into big trouble. So here is this man, this 27 year old with a 6 year old who is being threatened with his job. And once he tells me I have so many emotions run through me but the big one. I AM SO FUCKING PISSED AT EL JEFE (the boss). I am so tired of the el jefe's of the world telling me my love is too big, wrong, I am tired of el jefe's having the power to invoke fear with money, job loss. Imagine all of the things we haven't said or done at work over fear of losing our jobs? In our families over love and money? I go on walks and let this anger move through me. Wanting to talk with him more, to understand, can we still be friends? can we talk to one another? How are you feeling? But when I come back L is gone. I don't know where he went, I just know he is gone. I don't know when he will be back.
I do know my body is still tired, I do know that every day I am releasing so much old energy. I do know I need to take care of myself and to receive the love that is for me, in nature, in other people, moments, I do need to surrender and allow the universe to love me. Which is ultimately what my 10 days back at the lodge, what my life is about. Receiving the love the universe is pouring on me and releasing attachment to what it looks like.
So I spend my days filling myself up with tenderness. With self love, self care, it was about receiving love in so many different forms and being aware of it. It was about surrender, epic, huge surrender which i have so say, I did not do so well at times. It was about falling asleep in the dark in front of the fireplace in the midst of a storm and having that tenderness wash over me, it was about having a tent put up for me on the river with views of Fitz Roy and a special air mattress so I was comfy, It was about conversations with an 84 year woman who told me how proud she would be of me if I were here daughter: to truly take and live my freedom, with Frank- who told me about his days as a pagan, loving the Carpenters and sharing with my his thoughts on marriage and partnership and listening to me. It was about Erica telling me she couldn't watch Outlander because it was too sexual and me thanking every cell in my body that I can watch Outlander and love it. It was about Cecelia and Daniel who gave me a ride back to the lodge after my 30 minute walk led to a 4 hour walk to a beautiful lake. It was about dancing and stretching every day for hours so I could move this old energy out of my body and receive new light. It was about 4 nights where I was the only guest, one night having dinner in front of the fire, another night pizza in my cabana with my laptop and a movie, it was about getting a ride to a hiking trail so I could do a late night walk about the lake. It was about allowing each day to be different, each day to bring the notes and tones of love that I needed in that moment. It was about allowing the universe to take of me. To let go and allow.
It was about getting pissed as hell, going for a walk and shouting out all that I was feeling, then meeting some french bicyclists- taking their photos and laughing about how their eggs were secured on the bike and then after they rode on, going back to my walking and ranting to move the energy through. It was about being triggered by el jefe, the boss, who told me the way I loved was wrong, that it was too big, inappropriate. That night I walked and screamed FUCK YOU...to the mountains and river for a long while. It was about watching myself shrink in front of L, to accommodate his reaction, his energy, his understandable fears and then watching myself reclaim my love for him and shining my light on him none the less. It was about me nourishing myself and allowing myself to be nourished in different ways, ways I could not create on my own. It was bringing the energy of love and tenderness into my life in different ways.
And then he returns. And I'm not going to lie. I was sitting in front of the fireplace writing and I felt him. And I look up and there he is. And my heart just opens up and I am so deliriously joyful just to get to see him again. And for three more days I get to be in his presence. We never return to what we had, there is no touch. But there are moments of memory- teasing one another, sharing songs.
And there are new moments, moments of tenderness that I could never have imagined how they would impact me. On what is turning out to be my last full day at the lodge. I go to breakfast, and then go back to bed, I wake up and shower and I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. And it is 2 or so in the afternoon and I walk in to get my lunch and go over to put salt and pepper on it and just lose it. I am so so so tired of being tired. And there is he is. Asking me what is wrong. Rubbing my back as I bend over in tears. in heaves. And i leave. I go to the water and I sob. and then i lay down on the grass and keep sobbing and it's about this. I am so tired of driving my own car, I am so tired of thinking about love, I am so tired of doing this alone. I am so tired of keeping it together in front of men and not showing them my anguish, my soul, my emotions. I am so tired of compartmentalizing my life. I want to let men in. I want to be held. I want love to come to me easily. To know it easy to love me. I wanted L to come hold me at the beach for 9 days, I wanted that feeling. I wanted to be met in that way.
And I go back in because I want an avocado for my lunch I sit in front of the fire and then there he is again, doing some work. And I sit there with my head down and more tears come. 'please please please bring me an avocado, please don’t make me ask. i am so so so tired. i am so tired of thinking about love, i am so tired of asking, please please don’t make me ask, just bring me an avocado.' But since the man is not a mind reader. I ask and as i wait for him to finish up his project I sit in front of the fire and cry openly. I go outside to retrieve my stuff, pushing away the notion of asking him, and as I carry it all back in my thermos which I thought was closed is not and it spills all over my bag and i start tearing up and then I walk in and see him in the kitchen, making me guacamole. He is not just handing me an avocado. He is making me guacamole. And I fucking lose it. I just start sobbing. yes please nourish me, yes please take care of me. yes please rub my back, yes please make me guacamole with sunflower seeds yes and I am sobbing and he brings me the guacamole and I do not push my tears away, which in itself is another one of today’s miracles, i show this man, my tears and I ask him for napkins so I can blow my nose. I think this might be first time quite honestly. just letting these tears fall, this energy move and not carrying, truly surrendered, truly out of my brain which wants to keep me safe. Truly raw, truly vulnerable.
And I eat this guacamole, this magical elixir for my soul and i feel some healing beginning. I feel some of piece of me restored. I can ask and receive from men, after openly weeping in front of them. And while part of me does not still believe this…part of me can in no way believe this. I enjoy it and I stop crying and I say thank you. And then he puts on a song, and I recognize this song, I hear the word corazon and the word Salvage (wild) and I understand he has played this song he gifted me last week to honor me, to honor my journey of reclaiming my wild… that this is another gift he is giving me at this point, when he can’t pull me into his arms and kiss away the tears like he did in El Chalten, he can’t hold my hand, he can’t caress my hair, he can’t hold me for 20 minutes and so he plays this song. And he brings me back to my body and I spend an hour stretching and moving in front of the fire to my music. To the perfect songs to move all this through. Not caring who sees, not caring about anything. And then he brings me a smoothie, and yes, I lose it again. Because in showing this man more of my wild heart, he keeps meeting me with the love he can. And this changes my life. And so I do what I have been wanting to do for days. I hug him. Deeply, I kiss his cheek and I hold him, for me. For my heart and body to be nourished.
This moment of openly weeping in front of a man and being held. this in itself is a miracle. i did not push the tears away, i did not use words. I wept. and wept. and he didn’t judge, instead he loved me more, instead he took care of me. The world has been waiting for me to show up and i’d been waiting for the world to show up. I know now that this is here for me. this life is here for me to receive more love and tenderness than i can possibly imagine. to conjure and call in the next man who will love me, who will sing, draw, make smoothies, who will be so open hearted. More please. I am ready to show up. I am ready to show my tenderness. I am ready for it. I allow it. i welcome it. I thank you for answering my prayers with this beautiful man. this experience. How can it be better than him? and yet i know it will and that, wow, that takes my breathe away because this was something even better, which means the next thing will be even better. yes yes yes please.
My last morning I woke up and went and showered and danced and danced and then teenage sob, I AM FREE!!! I GET TO BE ME!!! i get to love without fear. i get to love big and broad. I go back to pack and am told my transfer is here an hour early. I have to trust this is divine. I throw my things in my luggage and head in and say my goodbyes and such a treat as two of the staff, Lucero and Jaime, that were gone are back, there is no lunch group. only the 5 of us. The minute i see Lucero I go in for the hug and tears start to fall. This has been such a magical place to me, these people, these souls cared for me beyond reason. and as i lean in the tears flow, i hug meale goodbye and then the hombres. then Jaimi, then L and i just want to breathe him in and i know i can’t. I know I can’t stand there and hug him and hug him. I know i can’t share the love i feel for him especially with him in words or length so i say a little prayer of thanks. And then i find out i have 10 minutes and with all this all energy flowing through me I head to the river and I put my feet in and I sob.
The gratitude I feel for this place. the connection, the love. I have been so held here. I have come to know I am worthy of love. I have learned I can love with fear. I have had sex for the first time in 5 years that was sacred. i have memories that will last me a lifetime. memories that I’ve dreamed of for years that came true. a magical first kiss on the beach, dancing at night, stars, being held, being teased, play, and i have come to know and love new parts of myself. i have alchemized old pain. I have felt the gifts and beauty of the feminine being awakened within me. I have allowed. I have come back to myself. And as my tears fall in this river this rio de las vueltas, this river of coming back to oneself I am humbled, I am broken open, again. I pray to remember this, to honor these teachings, these moments. I pray for all of this to be out in the world with me. I pray and pray and then I go up on the deck and i move my body and ground this energy in, and the wind blows and I pray that I may allow life to be as gentle and easy as this wind. And I come back in and L is asleep on the couch and somehow that is perfect because my last goodbye is to nature- it's to the river, the trees, the wind, to Fitz Roy, to the consciousness of love that permeates this land and that is now a part of me, a part of my journey back to my wild essence.