On January 19th I was in El Chalten, Argentina and was heading north for 4 nights to a camp with no internet that I was guided to go to. El Chalten is home to Mt Fitz Roy, to the Viedma Glacier. To intense nature and intense magic. Here is an update.
So, I went offline for 4 nights and that led to 20 nights. And during this time I have experienced life changing love. A beautiful love affair with a beautiful man who opened me up to pieces of myself I had never met, pieces I thought were there, that I wanted to experience but I needed this man to help me. I have been single for almost 10 years. And when I think about it, it makes sense, I got married young and after my divorce i traveled, i learned so much about myself, almost like living my 20s in my 30s. But this thing with men seemed so elusive these past few years. I was ready to love again, I had such a deep yearning for communion, caresses, passion, intimacy, romance. I would cry myself to sleep with this yearning. I had so many glitches these past few years when the universe would send me a man for a make-out, for romance, for more and some part of me would run. Some younger part of me that feared love would bring unbearable pain. And i've done a lot, and I mean a lot of work to heal these parts of me that felt unworthy, that felt love was hard, that felt loving me was hard, that didn't feel safe being loved, sharing my essence with someone. There were a lot of layers, beliefs and energetics to shift.
And there was also calling in who I thought my man was. And as I've come more back to my true essence, a woman who loves being in nature, who can go weeks being offline, who dances on mountaintops, who uses my intuition to travel the world, who is happy with less things and more freedom...who I thought my man is has changed. As I have embraced my wild, I understand my man is wild too. He is open hearted, playful. He is soulful and he reveres and loves women. And so the universe brought me the most beautiful 28 year old Argentinian artist, father, a man who sings, who serenades, who nuzzles, whose shoulder I fit under perfectly. I am brought a man where our perfect date night was red wine on a rock in the river, watching the sky change for hours, talking about life in our spanglish, being silent and then skipping across a bridge to sit side by side laughing, teasing, kissing and enjoying local food. A man who said yes to dancing with me in the dark and holding me while i melted in his arms. A man who spends hours in nature too- who has video on his camera of streams, of lakes like me. A man who is soulful. And a man who is playful like me. A man who laughs often and easily. A man who reaches for kisses, with caresses And with each moment with him, I expanded and came back to myself. I fell in love with him and these parts of myself. I leapt up in love, I leapt up to kiss him. I put on romantic music so we could dance and kiss, i let this love move me, I trusted my actions. Rather than hesitating and pulling back my love like I have for so long- I opened the spigot.
And it was awesome.
It was all I have imagined possible and more. Because the ease of it, the allowing, the him stepping towards me, me leaning back on a beach and he shows up and starts massaging my shoulders. Well, most of my life, that is what I have done. i have been the one to step forward rather than allow the masculine to come to me. So as I have softened these last few years as I have embraced and come to love more of my feminine, I called in this beautiful man to step towards me. And I was ready. so so ready. Over the last few weeks i have written tens of thousands of words about this. each day writing to digest it all, writing to digest all the shifts with him and being amongst the energies of Mt Fitz Roy and the Rio del Las Vueltas (to come back to oneself).
The masculine and feminine.
This is the journey I have been on for years, the recalibration of my masculine and feminine essence. Because truly, I am so soft and I am so tender but I hid those parts of me for so many old reasons. But no more. I love my tenderness, I love allowing men to carry my luggage, I love crying and feeling all my emotions and having him come over and hug me, I love how he reached out for my hand when we crossed a few rocks rather than showing him how strong and competent I am by doing it on my own. I loved the feeling of his hand holding mine, of his masculine taking care of me so I could soften more. And now, all I want is more of this. More of this time offline- out of my brain and sinking more and more into my softness, my feminine, my intuition, my body. All I want is more nuzzling, more dancing, more laughter, more intimacy, more vulnerability. Because I had so much fear of being hurt by love, I was hurt by not welcoming it into my life. And now that I have experienced it with such a good man, a man in his divinity, all I want is more.
More of this goodness.
More of this love to alchemize the old dark energy of fear, of separateness. All of this is here for me to be more love in the world, to show up in my feminine wisdom, in the wisdom of my heart. And it is easier and more beautiful than I ever imagined. All of these things that have happened are my creations so I can come back to being love in the world, love in my big wild hearted way. Love in the way that is true for me. And so I spent weeks near a river reminding me to come back to myself.
Come back to your beauty, your play, your love, your tenderness. It is so beautiful. Come back and let us take care of you so you can melt and soften.
And this beautiful man, this gift from the universe was medicine I so needed. As I pulled away from El Chalten yesterday, I sobbed in the bus. Sobbed as a man sat next to me. And I didn't care. I sobbed for the love I had felt, I sobbed in gratitude. I sobbed in loss. I sobbed in hope of what is next for me. I sobbed in missing him.
And then I napped.
And when I woke up I started remembering all of these moments we shared together. the feeling of it all. the dance, our first kiss, singing together, just holding one another listening to a song, the sky, the rock, the sketch he gave me, how it felt for him to take my hand and wrap it around his, how he brought me a smoothie as I danced and stretched in front of the fireplace, how he teased me about my non-existent rolling r's in spanish, how he shared a spanish song with me about freedom and wild hearted living, how he walked around a corner in town one night and there I was and we ran to each other, how after we said goodbye the night before- i drove through town in a taxi and there he was sitting on a bench and i had the taxi make a u turn and i leapt out and kissed him on the street, how his face looked when he saw me- pure delight, how he kissed me and held me in that moment, how we looked at the full moon through a handheld telescope and discovered we both love the moon, how his eyes lit up, his strong arms, his essence. And for the last hour of that bus ride there were no tears, rather this smile on my face, in my heart as I remember how it felt to love and be loved by him.
As I remember how love feels in all its notes and tones.
And knowing that there is more of this coming my way. More magic. More love. This man opened me up to a deeper truth about who I am and want I want in love and life. And he taught me the value of loving fearlessly, honestly. He taught me that I create my life, I create this love. He taught me I can be met in my wild ways, that my wild ways are more beautiful than I knew. He did not ask me to change, he did not disapprove of my wildness- he loved me for it.
And this gift, well this gift brings me to tears now. Because there is something powerful about having the mirror of a man looking back at you with love, respect, delight when so many mirrors have been of disapproval. It alchemizes the old hurts, the old wounds. There is something about spiritual partnership, about the divine masculine and feminine coming together to create more love. And I am so grateful to be on this wild journey of mine. To keep exploring my own spirituality with nature, through dance, through love and now, welcoming men in to my life to help me, support me, care for me so I can create even more love.
Thank you universe.