How losing my mind gave me my life back...

I just realized, today is the 6 year anniversary of one of the most profoundly life changing moments in my life. The accident I don't remember, the fall that forever changed my life, my brain. my way of being in the world. A huge gift, a huge trauma, a huge pain in my heart and ass as my ego struggled to assimilate to a new way of living that, in truth, was so much more profound and beautiful, than anything I had been taught. My concussion, my amnesia, my 8 months of recovery changed the way i walked through the world. It taught me the gift and power of my empathic side, the gift and power of being so sensitive and aware of energy. It showed me how much i forced myself to heal to please others, when my brain and body truly needed months and months to heal. It taught me that too much noise is painful, that my system needs quiet and rest. It showed me that my left brain, that inner critic was not serving me in anyway. As my brain healed and that hateful, constrictive voice came back, it taught me I had to learn how to work with it, how to play with it, how to relax it so I could reclaim my essence and my life. My wild heart. My body. 

I don't remember the accident, I don't remember being in the hospital, i don't remember the countless emails I sent to friends every day telling them I had been hurt. I don't remember any of that. I remember my mom making me a tuna fish sandwich, I remember friends taking exquisite care of me. I remember that I felt safe. That I felt loved. I remember saying i would just spend a few days with my parents so I could remember to take my meds and that led to two weeks. I remember even then, healing from a traumatic brain injury and pushing it. That essence, that teaching so deep that even in that moment I could not give myself the space to simply heal and BE. 

I remember people telling me I should read Jill Bolte Taylor's book, Stroke of Insight and I couldn't imagine reading anything. I remember going to a friend's house weeks later for dinner with 5 people and having to leave early because it was too much noise. For 6 years I have rubbed the dent in my head as a reminder of my wise right brain, my capacity to read energy, that my heart is far wiser than my brain. I have had three more concussions since. But this was the motherload. This was the wake up call. 

The one that was gifted to me, to show my Aquarian, Valedictorian brain How. Much. I. Was. Missing. Out. On. 

I was missing out on LOVE.

I was missing out on living from my heart. I was missing out on loving myself. I was missing out on presence. I was missing out on life. Because my head was running the show. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars healing from trauma, from PTSD. to get my brain to relax, to surrender to the divine. Every day I work to get my brain to trust this force of love that guides me, Every day I have to use my tools to follow my body and hearts guidance. Some moments are shit shows, others are pure bliss. But everyday is a practice to live from my heart and my body. Because my brain wants to hijack it all. And don't get me wrong. I love my brain, it serves me in many ways- it helps me book tickets, hotels, adventures..but it is my heart and body that guide me there.

So thank you universe for this gift, thank you for reminding me of this anniversary. Thank you for having this beautiful brain, this beautiful heart, this wise body. Thank you for helping me restore balance in my systems. This 'accident' was one of they key moments in my life, though i kept shoving this gift aside so i could just get back to 'normal' whatever the hell that is. So thank you universe, for this dent, for this reminder. I am so grateful to be healthy today. I am so grateful that i found the healers to help my brain relax, that I am in nature to help it relax every day. I sit, looking out on the Argentinian mountains in this moment, knowing I am here, in great part, to this accident. to this shift, that without it, I would have never understood the strength of my heart, the beauty of my right brain. I would have kept living that data filled, left brained life and never surrendered to the fact that my true wisdom comes from a very different place. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I have no memory of this photo taken in the hospital....