Letting go of old dreams

I’m writing this the next day, it’s lunchtime. I am on a terrace overlooking trees, a lake and seeing the Andeas in the distance. I’m sipping a glass of sauvignon blanc, I am eating fresh greens from the garden with some quinoa and Argentinian olive oil. I am dipping homemade bread into this same oil infused with rosemary. Because I created this. Because I choose this. Because I believe more than I ever have in love, in ease, in beauty, As I look at on the Patagonia landscape that I will be leaving tomorrow, i am forever changed because of my 6 days here.

And yet, I realize some part of me has felt that none of this is important, this journey in nature, into the feminine, into love. Why can’t I have my career, meet my man and set up home? And have community and be. A part that has been resistant, bratty, pissed.

And I understand it is this part of me that needs to grow up and let that vision laid out for her so long ago. That needs to recognize the gift of all of this magic, of this time to wander the world, to evolve my energy, my consciousness, my heart, and to be LIVING it. To everyday get to live it. Whether in a grocery store in Seattle or hiking in Patagonia. I get to live love. I get to create love. Every day I get to choose the new, the more, the something even better. Every day I get to evolve past my limited thinking and allow the universe to guide me. As we all do. This is simply the way my journey looks. Every day I get to mature this part of me that doesn’t believe as much, that wants the comfort of Grey’s Anatomy, the memories of a Judith McNaught romance novel. It wants to latch on to SOMETHING that makes sense. SOMETHING that it knows.

It is my wiser self that needs to step in and say ‘honey bunny, I get we are changing a lot but instead of tv or this book you’ve already read, how about we head out for a walk and see what magic we can receive? Or how about we ask for hug? There are other options, that we were never taught.”

Because, for me, I’ve given enough of this lifetime to the old, to sitting on my couch watching my DVR full of tv shows that dull my senses for hours rather than being out in the world. 20 years of wondering and watching will Jason and Liz ever get together on General Hospital and the answer is, still, yes and no. Might be time to turn off that channel. Do I let my younger, comfortable, adapted self guide me in this life or allow this wise, powerful woman who has experienced so much more of life take the reins.

Do I let her say to the world, this is what I want, I want to dance under the moon, I want to live in Bali for awhile, I want to skinny dip, I want to savor every taste in the world, see unimaginable vistas, camp in the desert in Morocco. I want to hike to natural hot springs, I want to gather round a campfire with people from all over the world who love life and then dance into the early morning. I want to visit Iceland, Scotland. And in each of these places I want to be of service. I want to love so big and so outrageously.

I want so much more that I ever imagined possible. And I’m so ready to admit it. To own it.

So, do I let this girl who douses her desires, her yearning to make everyone else happy and to receive artificial love still run the show? Or do I truly let my wise wild woman lead?

And I know i am doing this more and more,…I mean for hell’s sakes I just gifted all of my possessions, sold my car, have no apartment, chopped off 6 inches of my hair and am in Patagonia. And yet I know there is something more I have not completely surrendered to. Some part of my heart that is still not guiding the way. Some part of me that for years has believed that I could have lovers all over the world and create moments with them, be present with them and then go to the next place that calls me. And yet this has never happened. The part of me that knows I want to live in a community on shared land, with my own home. Where we dance, garden, snuggle and make meals together, where we share so much more of our day to day lives in community amongst beauty and nature. Where there is so much less separation, so much more sharing of all it. Of our emotions, our play, our wild, our love. Because this is what calls to me. And yet, for the most part, I spent the last 6 years living alone. Why have I not created this?

And so “Honey, bunny it’s time to let the need to be the CEO go, to release the need to tweet, to have one man. It’s time to let Jason and Liz go. This is not who we are, this is who thought we had to be. It’s time to leave this here in Patagonia. so we can come back home. We get to let all of that go and just be. We get to hold it lightly, to laugh and love more than we ever imagined. And it is going to be so joyful, so expansive, so full of love, of beauty, of travel, of new experience”

So here is to the real me emerging more and more, releasing my adaptations to who I thought I had to be, to be loved, to live in this world, in this time, to the rules, to the shoulds. May I leave those here in Patagonia to compost, that they blow away so effortlessly in the wind so that my coming home is full of ease, grace, beauty and something even better.

And it is with this energy I go for a walk to the lookout point. One more dance with the land of Patagonia. A moment of emergence. Of transformation. Of allowing the new to flow in. Of speaking all of this outloud as I walk to move this energy through, so it comes from the essence of who I am. So the wind, the sun, the water, the land hear my prayers. So the birds, the plants and trees can take these words with them and spread them far and wide.

“May my coming home be a trusting of my incredible intuition of my body, may I honor it’s guidance to reach out and caress your forearm and share my healing, intuitive touch. May I trust that these actions are part of my purpose. May I say the words that want to flow, may they move from body and heart rather than my head. May I be playful and joyful and create from this place. May I release the need to feel I am here to save the world and the weight I have carried with that belief. May I be the hummingbird that brings the water to the forest fire because that is my part to play and to allow others to do theirs. May I be brave with my actions, shifting patterns, energies, habits to a higher good, a greater integrity.

May I use laughter as my medicine, dance as my way home, nature as my healer.

May I remember that this is my wild life to live and to create one that is so profoundly true to me, that in every moment it is an expression of love from and of the divine.

And as I continue to release the adaptations and come back to my wild self, may I be full of love and compassion for the adaptations, may I move through hesitancy and fear with grace and laughter, may I let these adaptive parts know they are not my truth and do not serve my greatest good. May I be authentically outrageous with my love, to fling open the doors to the balcony and be my dramatic self. To not take it all so seriously and just allow my love to flow, to delight in what my flow is.

May I create from this place of knowing the value of it all. The need for my medicine in the world. May any remainder of disapproval be replaced with pride. May I surrender to the divine and be a conduit of love.”

This is my prayer.

I make my way to the lake for a final swim— stroke by stroke, so gentle, so slow, allowing it all to wash through me.

I came down to my dinner spot in front of the fire to find a red rose there. Red roses speak to me of faith, of the feminine, of love. Of mary magdalene. So I am moved. So very very moved. I step outside to let these sweet tears flow…for the love, the beauty, the growth as I live my wild life. More please. I enjoy a quiet and delicious dinner and then head out to the terrace with cousins and a newlywed couple for our final night. And under the epic stars of this sky, we laugh about my new saying..bien so bien. We speak of mate, of que boludo, we eat chocolate mousse, sip wine and laugh together for a long time. I talk to one of the younger cousins about how women are like barbecue. That we appreciate attention, having our fires stoked..we tease that he will become a great abader…barbecuer.

And after this week of such movement, such change, this is exactly what I needed…coming together with these beautiful people to simply be. To laugh about it all. To laugh about life. It truly is the best medicine.

I ask for more. More of my truth to be exposed to me and more of me saying yes to it with delight, joy, ease and trust. More of being brave. Of creating from my wise woman. For I sense it will take me places I never imagined were truly possible and yet have always felt existed.

And it is with all of this that I leave this magical place. With this sense of levity, of possibility, my feet over the side of the boat, staring at the mountains, staring into the depths of the lake, feeling the sun, the wind and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Bien. So Bien.