I know it's been awhile since I shared on this page. I've been traveling with my Mom in Germany and also doing a lot of traveling on the inner planes. Huge transformational shifts around compassion, men, and feeling more safe in the world to show up as me. The theme of this summer was GENTLENESS. To be more gentle and kind with myself. To be more loving and sweet and forgiving. To laugh at it all more often, to celebrate my bungles because it meant I was going for it and getting closer. To slow down and let my body rest. I have so much to write and share with you all. Where to start?
It was a summer of understanding I was still not showing up in the world, most especially around men as the wise, knowing, powerful woman I AM. I was still wearing that patriarchy raised mask of good girl, of keeping it light rather than sharing all that I am. Of being someone I though they would like rather than being me. The universe provided many opportunities for me to research this- some were comical, others had me sobbing for days and moving through chunks of ancient pain. But the more gentle I was with myself the pain diminished and there was more kindness and compassion.
I was at Wanderlust yoga/dance (emphasis on the dance for me) retreat and had a male teacher whose words and meditation moved me, that melted my heart. This was a man who lived in the emotional realm, who valued it! I ran into him later and thanked him. That went very well and then he asked about me and I found myself stammering and muttering about writing a book, but not really owning it, not being in my knowing. I showed him the pool at the hotel and had so left my body I walked through the emergency exit, setting off the alarms, I freaked and glanced around wondering if I would really get impaled by the boundary fence spiked metal poles if I leapt over them to escape. I giggled and laughed and felt him withdraw. We walked back through the emergency exit so the alarm could sound one more time and he quickly made his exit. I saw him again and mumbled a greeting. I saw myself shrink and I realized this was such a gift. Because how am I going to meet more of my tribe, meet my man if I'm not owning all of me? If I don't work through the deep fear I felt of being seen that I left my body.? So I had to be gentle with my humanity, with my leaving my body, with my not showing up. I had to be curious and loving and that can be very hard for me at times. Hence the theme of gentleness. All of this was happening for my expansion and at moments I knew that and could get on board- at others I beat myself and felt stupid, weak and so so so far behind!
But I didn't crawl over the metal spikes. Instead, I started owning it, owning me and I was met more and more. I met men at restaurants, burning man, watching a world cup game, husbands of friends. I showed up more and more. When they asked me what I did, I told them I help heal broken hearts and reclaim our wild. I told them of my travels, my one way tickets. This led to so many incredible conversations. And more and more they reflected back to me my joy, my uniqueness, their gratitude for our paths crossing. I have never felt this with men before- not in this way, not for my essence, for my soul. I met men this summer who were cheering me on, who started reading this blog. Who were excited about my writing, about my life and the way I live it. I wasn't having to prove myself, I was merely being myself and releasing the need to be approved of by them. And in doing that, I experienced true freedom. I changed, not them.
I was able to alchemize the tremendous amounts of grief and shame I felt about being me and therefore unlovable by men (who would love an empathic, intuitive, spiritual, sensitive, dancing-in-the-rainstorm-in- Maine, one-way-ticket traveler who was not so savvy and sophisticated with men?) into loving myself even more, feeling even more lovable. I was able to take all the years of being told I was wrong, too sensitive, too unconventional, wrong college degree, too big, too loving, not living my life right and get in total agreement with all of these delicious, perfect parts of me. And to see that the person who was telling me these things- well that was his stuff, not mine and he didn't get to be in my life anymore and tear me down every chance he could.
So instead of apologetic, I feel power and beauty in my journey, in being me. I feel stronger, more delighted and grateful for my life, more clear on my purpose and my desires. I feel gentleness infusing all parts of my life which makes the world feel more welcoming and full of infinite possibilities.
I hope you had a summer of expansion, of love and of greater gentleness than you ever imagined.