I have been stressing myself out for years over my career, over work. I, even more than my mother and father, wanted to know the answer to “where is all this leading?” So much so that I forced things to happen that weren’t in alignment with what I am here to do and actually set me back months if not years. All that forcing and worry kept me from being present and letting it unfold. If you could harness the worry, the self judgment, the pain I created I could have kept NYC lit up for a year. Seriously. When I woke up, showering, driving to the grocery store it was the underlining thought and energy of everything I did. I would have a revelation- is this it? I have to trademark this, get a business card, email everybody! I SO WANTED TO KNOW. Because knowing met the workshops, the books, the travels mattered. It meant my journey mattered. It meant I was somehow done, had arrived, had it all figured out. (Cue the universe giggling). The truth is, I didn’t know. I didn't know. I didn't know. That was so damn hard for me to admit. To say to myself. If I could go back I would say out loud to myself and family. I don't know. I'm doing my best because I could feel pieces emerging, coming together but it wasn't a solid form yet. I wasn't a solid form yet.
And the sweet universe kept pulling me in a different direction than my mind wanted. And the one thing I was consistently guided to do these past three years I didn’t do.
‘Live, write and share.’
That was it. Pretty simple. I just couldn’t believe it was that simple or what I had to say mattered, partly because it was so personal and sacred and secondly I couldn’t imagine anyone else needed to hear it. Because no one felt as lonely, as misaligned. This was my one woman freak show. I would write, but not type and then I would type but not publish, or publish for a week, then not for a month. My resistance created so much pain because I thought I had to know where it would all lead and have this master plan and be on Oprah (many of my work visions ended up with me and Oprah. I sense I am not alone in this).
So to my own self, past, present and future. To you I say: step-by-step and be gentle. Follow the crumbs that are so lovingly placed for you. Be it creating a sacred relationship with myself, my man, launching Fempire and creating all I desire to create in the world. Step-by-step and release attachment to what I think it should be. Release Oprah. (Whew. That's a big one).
And to my sweet parents, to my mind, my ego who are so doing their best to understand, it is leading somewhere, it’s just somewhere none of us could have ever imagined. It’s so much sweeter, expansive, juicy, heart centered, life changing, and sacred. I sense that for many of us. And…it is already here. In this moment of being, of showing up in our truth we are doing our work.
So, let the divine have it’s way with us and let us enjoy the dance, even when we don’t know all the steps.