Birthday Magic.

My birthday was February 16th but am getting caught up with sharing writing with better internet connection. Now in Valparaiso, Chile. This was written 70km away from  Ushuaia, Argentina...the southernmost city in the world! 

So sometimes you surrender and you call in your desires for a beautiful lodge in nature to spend your birthday with some good people and some magic. And you get SO. MUCH. MORE. and it all looks different than you imagined but it feels just as you imagined. Although you never imagined a lamb named Marta would be involved. It starts off slow, like sleeping in, meditating about your desires for this year, and then with a lot of resistance finally getting in your body. And it is here where you start feeling it, where you feel the freedom, the beauty, the surrender, the hope. You feel how much you've grown, how far you've come, you feel the joy and safety of being in your body in all ways after years of not. You feel limber. You feel open. And you wander down to breakfast where it is just you, not only because you are the only guest here but because it is 10:30. And you don't know or care what time it is but your computer lets you know.

And you eat some scrambled eggs, and you write a bit and then you get on Facebook and you see these incredible messages of love coming in from all over the world. And you get one from a new friend, a man, who honors that you live your life from your heart, who encourages you to keep doing it. And you realize that because you are showing up in the world with more of your soulfulness, your heart truth, your wild, you are receiving more love for who you truly are. Because you have removed some layers and let more men in, they are showing up in love for you. And this, well this brings the biggest smile to your face and heart. You reread this message several times and realize this is what you have been waiting for and you just let the goodness sink in.

And you do a few love capers, because you love love. And then you get your journal and find a sunny place on the porch that is shielded from the wind so you can write your desires for the year. And as you write about your desire to truly welcome men into your life to welcome in more intimacy and vulnerability you are a bit distracted when a lamb comes up to you and starts baahing. And soon you are introduced to this lamb. Hola Marta, mi hombre es Kim. And she hangs out with you for awhile as you write in your journal, in the sun, with a few of the lake, of lupines on this windy day.

And then you are invited to join the folks who work here, there are 4 incredible souls: Fernando, Candy, Marline and Raul...well Raul invites you to join them in back for a barbecue for you birthday. And you find yourself at a table with fresh vegetables, with Fernando cooking a meal for you- meat, onions, bell peppers. There is an open fire to cook this over in a large cast iron pot, there is homemade bread. And you are given a glass of Malbec and fresh wild strawberries and while it is windy and cold the sun is out, Marta is nearby and then you are taken to meet the rabbits. And when you return there is more Malbec and local beer opened, and there are toasts and cheers in your honor and then there are spanglish conversations and laughter.

The meal wraps up after a few hours but you sit down and talk with one of the women, and somehow, as it divinely does, the talk comes to the heart, and this young woman of 25 shares her story that she is also a survivor, she talks of her difficulty in feeling all of these emotions, this conflicting, she talks of her desire of love and family. And you share you story and you hear yourself in a way you never have before, with a softness and a compassion that has never been present. You hear yourself talk about your own tale of healing. You own story of reclamation. And there are hugs and then it is time for a bath and siesta. And as you do on all days you give 30 minutes to these younger energies still living inside of you. And today, well today they want nothing more than to move on. They are done. They are complete with the old. they felt heard, they feel safe. And so in that bath you leave these energies and let them drain away with the water. And after your siesta you feel a peace you have never felt before.

You put on your clothes for a hike, there is more sun now than before. And you walk through the forest and there is a deep sense of celebration. Of delight. A walk of love. We did it. We healed it. And now it gets to be left here in the forests of Patagonia. And we get to let the love in, let the men in, we get to delight in who we are. We get to honor ourselves, not only the universe, for all that has happened. And you get to the top of the mountain this end of the trail and feel at peace. Turning around there is an excitement and so you aren't paying too much attention to trail markers and quickly find yourself lost in this forest where it all looks the same. And you think back to weeks before where you lost you phone in a very similar situation and instead of panicking, instead of moving all about and just barreling forward you stop.

And you say, this time it is going to be easy. It needs to be easy. And you know how to get back to the end of the trail and so you find yourself there and you start over. Being more present. And you see that there are signs everywhere. Orange and yellow sticks, red markers on trees. And you realize that there are always signs and it always gets to be easy. There might be times where you have to be brave and walk a few steps without knowing but then there it is, the next sign, guiding you to the next place. And you know you can do this. And there are a few places where it is a bit more dark and confusing and there are signs everywhere. And you you relax into this knowing, into this reminder. You are always held, You are never alone. There is always support. There is always love. And it gets to be easy.

So you stroll back to your room, crawl into bed and send your mom a message of love thanking her for carrying you, for birthing you- with an understanding of this gift she bestowed upon you in a way you never have before. And you finally send that long drafted email to the man from a few weeks back who because of his essence and caring opened you up for the love affair that changed your life. And then you hear the fire in the living room going. So you leave your room and stretch in front of this massive fire, letting its heat soften your muscles, soften your heart. You start writing your gratitudes for the day because there are so many and you are feeling full and then Raul invites you to join the crew for dinner at 10pm and that feels lovely.

You get back in front of the fire and put on your music and this time, its to dance. This dance party for one. The very thing I am needing. And so I'm Free by Soup Dragon comes on and then El Taxi comes by Pitbull, Domino by Jessie J, Let it Be by Carol Woods and a Sam Smith tune and you get to feel all these different energies through your body, you are free to dance in front of the fire and it is so perfect there are no other guests because you get this dance party for one in front of the fireplace.

Then you head down to the dining room and you see they have opened up the main dining room and there is a fire going. There is a circular table set for 5. Two bottles of Malbec are brought out and you recognize one from weeks before, a special bottle shared with the very man that messaged you earlier in the day. So you choose that one. And then there is eggplant, and lentil stew and pasta with seafood. And there is conversation about Game of Thrones and music. There is spanglish. There is talk of what would your last meal be and with who (Shakira, both men chose you, I went for Jamie Fraser). There is laughter. There are smiles and then the lights are dimmed and a huge birthday cake is brought out for you. And the candle is purple which is so perfect and after you make your wish and a bottle of champagne has been opened you are told that the owner got this candle from the hotel where he picked you up and it means even more, that this man made sure I had a candle for my birthday cake. And it means even more that the cake is chocolate as I desired. And that I am drinking it with champagne and a special glass of Malbec.

And as the others drift away, the woman from earlier in the day and I have a chance for a more words of love, of support. I get to thank her for helping me close a chapter in my life and truly starting a new one. I get to thank her for her bravery, her reflection of mine. I get to hold her arm and wish her well as she dives into her healing and to let her know I am with her in every moment. And then I take some of this special malbec and another bit of cake up to my little area and sit in front of the fire, with a rose scented candle lit and digest all of this here. All of this magic. The exact love that I needed today on this birthday of mine. Freedom. Love. Sisterhood. Wild Hearted Living. Malbec. Chocolate Cake. Lentils. Nature. Fire. Wind. Sunshine. Magical Forests. Water lapping against the rocky shore. Joy. Dance. Communion. My favorite things that the universe knows I so love. And a lamb named Marta to top it off. Thank you universe. Thank you for the love. More please. I am ready for more.

Happy Love Day...thank you universe for being the best Valentine!

So I'm just having this epic love affair, with the universe. For Love Day, it brought me time at the spa in my hotel, sinking deep into my body and releasing more old energy, views of the channel where the pacific and atlantic oceans meet in the southernmost city in the world. I was gifted the reminder that yesterday one billion rose to end violence against women. And I gave love to that and received love. I was reminded I am not alone. I was gifted hours to lay in bed to finish my book, a fictional account about Mary Magdalene's younger years that ends with her being exiled by men from The Holy Isles and cast off in a boat as the women from her life watch over her and sing in her honor there is a great storm- she is guided to close her eyes to surrender to survive, and at the end she is found on the shores of a new land, there is the taste of honey on her lips, being carried by strong arms and then laid down on softness. The last line of the book is "She will live." I was gifted with this reminder that I have been in this boat for 10 years, going from shore to shore, seeking, surrendering, with so many women calling to me, singing their song, offering their love, their arms, their hearts, their wisdom. And at last I have come to shore in this land and there is honey, so much honey, so many strong arms and so much softness here for me. 

And then the universe brought me to dinner where I had a window seat with views of the flowers I was gifted to enjoy during my meal. And I mention a song to a waiter, this song that I now love, Cancion para el viento (Song for the Wind) that L gifted me during our time together, that we listened to while sitting on the edge of my bed one morning, entwined in one another, relishing this new note of love that I had welcomed into my life. And as I am sitting there sipping my malbec with views of ocean meeting ocean, with mountains surrounding them in the distance, with my heart full this song comes on. The waiter played it for me. Heart more full, I take my chocolate dessert that the waiters gift me and my glass of malbec upstairs and crawl into bed and and am gifted a movie to watch. Tumbledown, a quiet movie, which is all about a woman coming back to herself, her voice, her soul and being so comfortable in it and the love that creates in her life. About stepping towards love after a broken heart. About living life her way and coming back to love. Set in the woods of Maine, one of my favorite places on earth. And I am reminded how it is time for me to express more of my true essence with the world. And at long last these younger energies within, for so so long afraid of who they truly are, afraid of what they know and feel, afraid for so long of the truth of their sensitivity, their love of nature, that they will not receive love if they show their tender side, their quiet side, their soulful side. At long last they are on board. We are who we are. We are love. We are beautiful. We are rich and deep and sensitive and its stunningly beautiful. Yes. We are in. Let's be. And I fall asleep with a sense of peace. Knowing I came to this southernmost place, the root chakra of the world to feel safe in my body, in my essence, to ground this all in to my soul, my energy, my mind, my heart. 

I wake up and stretch, and as always the universe, this lover of mine, brings me the perfect music to tune into my body, my soul. A Hundred Years by Christina Perri, some instrumental tunes so I can hear my soul rather than lyrics and then Strength, Courage and Wisdom - "it was inside of me all along." And I am smiling as I dance to this song, as its lyrics melt into my marrow because its so true. Strength, Courage and Wisdom, its's been inside of me all along and now I am so ready to travel the world with this. To live my life without fear. To live a life of love. And I am packing up my suitcases, trekking boots, a bronze sequin dress, Marlies Decker bras, my orange bathing suit, smartwool tops, a Calypso skirt...all of these sides of me I am carrying with me.

I don't know where I am going next. I am present. I am calm. I will be guided. Step by step. So I pack up my bags, and the last thing I do is pull a card from my Magdalene Oracle deck and for the first time ever, I pull the Magdalene card. "Go forth and be true to yourself. Dare to be different...There is only love." 

And I stop. Because come on. Finishing a Magdalen book about storms, and living and honey and a movie about a woman living her away and now this. Thank you universe. I'm ready to go forth and live my life, I am ready to dare to be different and to remember there is only love. 

I quietly leave my room, I do not know where I am headed. I have no plans as of yet for this day. I know I will be guided to the next most beautiful thing for me. And I am. I sit with my desires, my truth, because tomorrow it is my birthday and I desire magic and nature and some adventure. I desire to be in a more remote place, surrounded by nature and beauty, to eat delicious food, drink an incredible glass of wine, see vistas that move me, dance in nature, hike amongst the trees, the mountains And so I conjure a lodge 40 km from town, where I will head in a few hours. For more love, for beauty, for new experiences. And I trust there will be love there for me. In what form, I don't know, but I know there will be love. Because it's been here all along, guiding me, coming to me in so many different ways every day. This is my love. This is my epic legendary love affair. 

Thank you universe. For the music, the flowers, the movie, the book, the sauna, the tears, the smiles, the food, the views, my body, my divinity, for bringing me back home to my courage, strength and wisdom. For bringing me back to love.

The flowers I looked at during my Valentine's dinner...thanks Universe. I love Purple!

May we all rise for love

I wrote this in honor of One Billion Rising on February 14th...wasn't able to post it here at that time so posting now!

As women rise all over the world today, as men rise to stop the violence, to stop the hatred of women, of other. I send them love. I send us all love. 
May we rise and rise and remember. 
We are one
May we come home to the beauty of our hearts
violence begets violence
Love begets love. 
May we all rise
May this love I feel be sent throughout the world today and may those who need it receive it. 
May they remember they are not alone, that the divine is bringing them love in so many ways, May they open their hearts to something beyond chocolate, teddy bears, overpriced dinners and the cultural imposed shoulds of this day, in order to truly RECEIVE LOVE. To be LOVE.
The exact love they need that is here for them in this moment.
May we drop our armor, our shields.
May our hearts be open towards ourselves and one another. 
May nature unite us, may we unite for nature and bless it and honor it. 
May we remember we are one. 
May we honor the earth, mother earth who offers us love and nourishment in every moment. 
May we rise for her. 
May we rise so that we are all free to live wild hearted lives
For we are meant to be free. 
We are meant to be wild
We are meant to love and touch and commune in sacred ways
May we reclaim our birthright
Our truth
We are one
May we rise for love

The end of the love story...for now.

And I have not forgotten that I left my love story with L mid story...here is the rest of that chapter, actually, here is the next chapter...All of this takes place over 10 days...I arrive back at the lodge, where he works, that is how I met him...

And so I return, I am nervous, I am sweating, my lil dress is pitted out. i am grateful I know the driver and we are able to laugh and share and talk about what I am writing about- I tell him in my spanglish, that I'm writing about my life, all of it, my heart, my soul, my truth and he unzips his sweatshirt and expands his chest out, like you are showing yourself to the world and i say yes. And then there he is. L is there in front of me, shaking this man’s hand and hugging me. And i would say on the kim shirley scale of happy to see you, I’m giving it a 6.5…which makes me nervous, I get an esta bien, a hug and that is all I see of thim that day. I take my tender, raw self back to my cabana (not because of L, simply because that is where I'm at at this moment), where there are so many memories of L. 

Here is what I know, my body guided me to come back here and so today by the Rio De Las Vueltas, I am tenderly eating an apple, I am tenderly stretching my body, I am so slowly walking across a meadow, through the stream to a tiny island and my body starts to move, oh-so-tenderly. the wind is tender, the sun too. the river feels tender and slow today too. and my body relaxs and sinks into tenderness. Taking in the horses grazing within 30 feet of me, as I dance, as I dance to reclaim this feeling in my body, this energy in my life. As I create this experience regardless of L, I am receiving tenderness, I feel it in every cell, as the wind caresses my hair, as my extended arm offers a tender place for my head to land, for 30 minutes I do this dance with the divine, this dance of tenderness, calling it in for myself, for my sisters, my brothers. Allowing my body to experience the beauty of tenderness, the gift of it - and this is the moment a few tears flow. THIS? this is possible. I never knew. I never knew it could be like this. and now i have THIS memory in my body of what is possible. This energy of love, this note, this tone. Gratitude. Humbled as i dance with the mountains, the sun, the wind, the land with wild horses grazing nearby, once again under the watchful gaze of Mt Fitz Roy and so close to the Rio de Vueltas, where I keep returning to again and again. 
coming back to myself, agian and again

May we have this dance with tenderness, may we walk away and change the energy of rage and abuse. May we all be free with our love, may the walls keep tumbling down. i don’t have words for this dance, for how it feels in my system, to sink deeper into softness, to understand i can have this energetic experience and also now share it with another, that i can ask for this, receive this and not have to give in order to receive. I spend the day sleeping. I come back to my tenderness, being tender for myself, to myself. I walk as slow as i ever walked through this meadow, i notice flowers in a way i never have before, i am tender with everything. I cry, and write, and put on music and stretch. i wrap myself up in my hot pink scarf and cocoon with the sun. And L, well I don't see him that day.

And the next morning I am so tired, I am out eating my breakfast at 11:30 on the stairs and there he is. i am so soft and tender and he leans his cheek out for a kiss, and so i kiss him. and he asks me how i am. and i say i am tired. my body is tired. but i do not say why, my brain is like 'he is holding a tray of meat, now is not the time.' i tell him i haven’t slept well. i do not tell him about the dream, i do not open up and share. and as he builds a fire and barbecues the meat. I stretch and stretch on the deck. moving so so slowly. and then i head to the beach sure, today is the day he will come to me. today is the day he will wrap me up in his arms. And I spend the day much like the day before. Hours of tenderness in my body, hours of sunshine, stretching, napping, moving so slow. And L doesn't come to the beach. When I see him that night I can feel the energy is different and all these stories come tumbling out, it wasn't real, my age, my body...all of these things I must move through. 

And it takes me 4 days, 4 days to ask him, what is happening. And the moment it happens? After I spent an hour stretching and dancing in the lodge and he brings me a smoothie, he reaches out to me. And I ask what is different- His boss saw us kiss in town, when I leapt out of the cab. And L got into big trouble. So here is this man, this 27 year old with a 6 year old who is being threatened with his job. And once he tells me I have so many emotions run through me but the big one. I AM SO FUCKING PISSED AT EL JEFE (the boss). I am so tired of the el jefe's of the world telling me my love is too big, wrong, I am tired of el jefe's having the power to invoke fear with money, job loss. Imagine all of the things we haven't said or done at work over fear of losing our jobs? In our families over love and money? I go on walks and let this anger move through me. Wanting to talk with him more, to understand, can we still be friends? can we talk to one another? How are you feeling? But when I come back L is gone. I don't know where he went, I just know he is gone. I don't know when he will be back. 

I do know my body is still tired, I do know that every day I am releasing so much old energy. I do know I need to take care of myself and to receive the love that is for me, in nature, in other people, moments, I do need to surrender and allow the universe to love me. Which is ultimately what my 10 days back at the lodge, what my life is about. Receiving the love the universe is pouring on me and releasing attachment to what it looks like.

So I spend my days filling myself up with tenderness. With self love, self care, it was about receiving love in so many different forms and being aware of it. It was about surrender, epic, huge surrender which i have so say, I did not do so well at times. It was about falling asleep in the dark in front of the fireplace in the midst of a storm and having that tenderness wash over me, it was about having a tent put up for me on the river with views of Fitz Roy and a special air mattress so I was comfy, It was about conversations with an 84 year woman who told me how proud she would be of me if I were here daughter: to truly take and live my freedom, with Frank- who told me about his days as a pagan, loving the Carpenters and sharing with my his thoughts on marriage and partnership and listening to me. It was about Erica telling me she couldn't watch Outlander because it was too sexual and me thanking every cell in my body that I can watch Outlander and love it. It was about Cecelia and Daniel who gave me a ride back to the lodge after my 30 minute walk led to a 4 hour walk to a beautiful lake. It was about dancing and stretching every day for hours so I could move this old energy out of my body and receive new light. It was about 4 nights where I was the only guest, one night having dinner in front of the fire, another night pizza in my cabana with my laptop and a movie, it was about getting a ride to a hiking trail so I could do a late night walk about the lake. It was about allowing each day to be different, each day to bring the notes and tones of love that I needed in that moment. It was about allowing the universe to take of me. To let go and allow.

It was about getting pissed as hell, going for a walk and shouting out all that I was feeling, then meeting some french bicyclists- taking their photos and laughing about how their eggs were secured on the bike and then after they rode on, going back to my walking and ranting to move the energy through. It was about being triggered by el jefe, the boss, who told me the way I loved was wrong, that it was too big, inappropriate. That night I walked and screamed FUCK YOU...to the mountains and river for a long while. It was about watching myself shrink in front of L, to accommodate his reaction, his energy, his understandable fears and then watching myself reclaim my love for him and shining my light on him none the less. It was about me nourishing myself and allowing myself to be nourished in different ways, ways I could not create on my own. It was bringing the energy of love and tenderness into my life in different ways. 

And then he returns. And I'm not going to lie. I was sitting in front of the fireplace writing and I felt him. And I look up and there he is. And my heart just opens up and I am so deliriously joyful just to get to see him again. And for three more days I get to be in his presence. We never return to what we had, there is no touch. But there are moments of memory- teasing one another, sharing songs. 

And there are new moments, moments of tenderness that I could never have imagined how they would impact me. On what is turning out to be my last full day at the lodge. I go to breakfast, and then go back to bed, I wake up and shower and I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. And it is 2 or so in the afternoon and I walk in to get my lunch and go over to put salt and pepper on it and just lose it. I am so so so tired of being tired. And there is he is. Asking me what is wrong. Rubbing my back as I bend over in tears. in heaves. And i leave. I go to the water and I sob. and then i lay down on the grass and keep sobbing and it's about this. I am so tired of driving my own car, I am so tired of thinking about love, I am so tired of doing this alone. I am so tired of keeping it together in front of men and not showing them my anguish, my soul, my emotions. I am so tired of compartmentalizing my life. I want to let men in. I want to be held. I want love to come to me easily. To know it easy to love me. I wanted L to come hold me at the beach for 9 days, I wanted that feeling. I wanted to be met in that way. 

And I go back in because I want an avocado for my lunch I sit in front of the fire and then there he is again, doing some work. And I sit there with my head down and more tears come. 'please please please bring me an avocado, please don’t make me ask. i am so so so tired. i am so tired of thinking about love, i am so tired of asking, please please don’t make me ask, just bring me an avocado.' But since the man is not a mind reader. I ask and as i wait for him to finish up his project I sit in front of the fire and cry openly. I go outside to retrieve my stuff, pushing away the notion of asking him, and as I carry it all back in my thermos which I thought was closed is not and it spills all over my bag and i start tearing up and then I walk in and see him in the kitchen, making me guacamole. He is not just handing me an avocado. He is making me guacamole. And I fucking lose it. I just start sobbing. yes please nourish me, yes please take care of me. yes please rub my back, yes please make me guacamole with sunflower seeds yes and I am sobbing and he brings me the guacamole and I do not push my tears away, which in itself is another one of today’s miracles, i show this man, my tears and I ask him for napkins so I can blow my nose. I think this might be first time quite honestly. just letting these tears fall, this energy move and not carrying, truly surrendered, truly out of my brain which wants to keep me safe. Truly raw, truly vulnerable. 

And I eat this guacamole, this magical elixir for my soul and i feel some healing beginning. I feel some of piece of me restored. I can ask and receive from men, after openly weeping in front of them. And while part of me does not still believe this…part of me can in no way believe this. I enjoy it and I stop crying and I say thank you. And then he puts on a song, and I recognize this song, I hear the word corazon and the word Salvage (wild) and I understand he has played this song he gifted me last week to honor me, to honor my journey of reclaiming my wild… that this is another gift he is giving me at this point, when he can’t pull me into his arms and kiss away the tears like he did in El Chalten, he can’t hold my hand, he can’t caress my hair, he can’t hold me for 20 minutes and so he plays this song. And he brings me back to my body and I spend an hour stretching and moving in front of the fire to my music. To the perfect songs to move all this through. Not caring who sees, not caring about anything. And then he brings me a smoothie, and yes, I lose it again. Because in showing this man more of my wild heart, he keeps meeting me with the love he can. And this changes my life. And so I do what I have been wanting to do for days. I hug him. Deeply, I kiss his cheek and I hold him, for me. For my heart and body to be nourished. 

This moment of openly weeping in front of a man and being held. this in itself is a miracle. i did not push the tears away, i did not use words. I wept. and wept. and he didn’t judge, instead he loved me more, instead he took care of me. The world has been waiting for me to show up and i’d been waiting for the world to show up. I know now that this is here for me. this life is here for me to receive more love and tenderness than i can possibly imagine. to conjure and call in the next man who will love me, who will sing, draw, make smoothies, who will be so open hearted. More please. I am ready to show up. I am ready to show my tenderness. I am ready for it. I allow it. i welcome it. I thank you for answering my prayers with this beautiful man. this experience. How can it be better than him? and yet i know it will and that, wow, that takes my breathe away because this was something even better, which means the next thing will be even better. yes yes yes please. 

My last morning I woke up and went and showered and danced and danced and then teenage sob, I AM FREE!!! I GET TO BE ME!!! i get to love without fear. i get to love big and broad. I go back to pack and am told my transfer is here an hour early. I have to trust this is divine. I throw my things in my luggage and head in and say my goodbyes and such a treat as two of the staff, Lucero and Jaime, that were gone are back, there is no lunch group. only the 5 of us. The minute i see Lucero I go in for the hug and tears start to fall. This has been such a magical place to me, these people, these souls cared for me beyond reason. and as i lean in the tears flow, i hug meale goodbye and then the hombres. then Jaimi, then L and i just want to breathe him in and i know i can’t. I know I can’t stand there and hug him and hug him. I know i can’t share the love i feel for him especially with him in words or length so i say a little prayer of thanks. And then i find out i have 10 minutes and with all this all energy flowing through me I head to the river and I put my feet in and I sob. 

The gratitude I feel for this place. the connection, the love. I have been so held here. I have come to know I am worthy of love. I have learned I can love with fear. I have had sex for the first time in 5 years that was sacred. i have memories that will last me a lifetime. memories that I’ve dreamed of for years that came true. a magical first kiss on the beach, dancing at night, stars, being held, being teased, play, and i have come to know and love new parts of myself. i have alchemized old pain. I have felt the gifts and beauty of the feminine being awakened within me. I have allowed. I have come back to myself. And as my tears fall in this river this rio de las vueltas, this river of coming back to oneself I am humbled, I am broken open, again. I pray to remember this, to honor these teachings, these moments. I pray for all of this to be out in the world with me. I pray and pray and then I go up on the deck and i move my body and ground this energy in, and the wind blows and I pray that I may allow life to be as gentle and easy as this wind. And I come back in and L is asleep on the couch and somehow that is perfect because my last goodbye is to nature- it's to the river, the trees, the wind, to Fitz Roy, to the consciousness of love that permeates this land and that is now a part of me, a part of my journey back to my wild essence.

more of my wild joy in the world

More of my softness and tenderness in the world too

Walking through fear, walking towards Love.

So there are a few chapters to this love story of mine. Yesterday's post was part of it but there is a section in between that I need to share too. The last time I saw L, or I thought I was going to see L was when I kissed him on the street in El Chalten. A romantic, made for movies ending to our 7 day love affair.

And then I check into my new hotel and am guided to my room, the Fitz Roy, and it has a view of the Rio de las Vueltas and Mt Fitz Roy. These two symbols for me these past 10 days of the masculine and feminine. And it’s so perfect. I can spend a night here digesting all this goodness that has happened to me as I sink into the last 7 days and then I will head south for Ushuaia.

This is what I thought but the universe, oh this universe had something else in mind for me. That day I went to the rock where L and I had our date night. And i laid on it for hours, stretching enjoying the sunshine, enjoying the memories flooding through me. And then I got so so tired. I went back to my hotel and noticed my glands were swelling up, that I had a fever and I knew the signs. Something so beautiful and so delicious had happened that my body was detoxing huge amounts of old dark energy. And I knew I would be here more than 1 night. So I surrender. I go to the sauna and stretch, I take an hour long bath in epsom salts to move this energy through. To support my body in letting go of all the old fear. I barely sleep that first night, my throat glands so swollen that every time I swallow I wake up. I am bundled up in clothes, socks and my body is racked with chills, in the morning my clothes and sheets are drenched.

This is what love does, this is what light does. It alchemizes all this old energy that is stuck in our body, all the old fear, that love will hurt, that sex will hurt, all of that tension that had lived in my body for so many years, some of it since I was a little girl, some of it passed on to me from my ancestors. Some of it the trauma of simply being a human on this earth, some of it being a woman being afraid of men. Old emotional trauma stuck in my body. So many things that are moving through me. Being transmuted by being supported by this nature, by the love of this good man. By the energies of the divine masculine and feminine. These energies are magnified here. It is a vortex of this energy. And my body is relaxing and letting go and it is my job to love it up.

I find a veggie restaurant and become friends wth the women who work there. And for a few days they make me smoothies- 'smoothies for Kim' not on the menu. They add bee pollen, ginger (i love in a pueblo of 600 people there is bee pollen, ginger and such goodness) and love. They give me hugs.These women become my sisters as I digest my love with them. As I tell them of the beauty of this man and this time. Around the corner is a health food store when I can buy Valeriana Root to make tea with - this helps soothe my body. I buy honey lozenges for my throat. I stroll through town to move my body, I take long naps, that night I watch an Argentinian film all about love sprawled on a couch in this little nook in my hotel, as the wind whips through town. I sleep better but my sheets and clothes are still drenched in the morning.

Another day of smoothies, strolls, buying cherries for my new friends. And I start checking in with my body and it is saying return north, to this place I met L. and this is inconceivable to me. Why would i do that? It is time to move on. And I realize this is what I do. I go to my limit and then I move on.

And I give these energies 30 minutes, 30 mintues to tell me everything they want. And they are afraid, they are so afraid of truly, deeply, opening up their heart and being hurt again, there are tears of fear and then there is deep deep, what I can only descirbe as this communion betweem this part of myself that i have never met, the gatekeeper, the wall builder, the one who has stood guard, the one who when intimacy was nearby would steer us the other way. The one who has been vigilant, standing guard against intruders who could decimate us and hurt us again. The one who would prefer I stay away from men in any intimate way, having chatty conversations is okay but let’s not share our emotions, our tears…we know how that turns out. We get a knife in our heart. And she in no uncertain terms told me she would do everything in her power to derail this time with L, that we had gotten close enough, too close and she would not allow anyone closer. And I listen and I feel her exhaustion, I feel her fear, her anger, her stance on this. She is very clear. there are no tears, there is simple conversation. Do not do this to us again.

Because for years I did, i went back again and again with love, without discernment and got blasted with rage, with disapproval, that created pain, that I somehow tried to make right in mind. And she spents years and years trying to get me away and I stayed. I kept on staying doing incomprehensible damage to my body, to my soul, to my heart. So she built up those walls for good reason.

I wrap her up in love. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want to talk her out of it, or convince her, I simply want to love her. Because she is so lovable. She has been my guardian against the fear of love bringing unbearable pain. And I honor her role, I honor her place in my life. And I know, I longer need such walls, such armor, that bit by bit I have been tearing them down. And this wall, this one of vulnerability, of softness, of receiving tenderness is the next one, and its big. As I look back on all these moments with men, I can see how I ran when it was time for me to receive tenderness, how I would push it away, stop it, anything and everything to protect myself. And brick by brick, new action by action, calling in better kinder men each time I am opening up again. And with L, I feel safe to ask him to hold me. No sex. Just tenderness, words, caresses, just for me. It’s so time.

So, what if I go back and see what else is possible? Can I completely release attachment, can I go there for me? Can I receive more tenderness, which is what I need so badly. I have let these women take care of me with smoothies, with dictionaries, with movies. Can I let this man in to this part of me? Can I show him just how raw and tender and soft I am? Because all I want is tenderness. All I want is to melt into his arms, all I want is to sleep on the beach with his arms around me. That is my desire.

I surrender, and I go to the office in town to make my reservation and there is a cabana for two days, then a tent for two days, then cabanas open up again.

And since I know I am going back and I want to be able to communicate better with L, I seek out a dictionary. I go to 5 stores, no English/Spanish dictionary. One man tells me to go to a store that has books. It's called Mucho Amor. I walk in and there is not a book in sight. But there are two wonderful, kind souls and we start talking about life and amor (love). And we are laughing and sharing stories, And this man keeps correcting my Spanish and I tell him I am looking for a Spanish/English dictionary. And the owner, who later tells me her name is Maria but she thinks of herself as Maid Marion gifts me her dictionary for my time north. And I am speechless and this is perfect. Here I am at a store called Mucho Amor receiving a dictionary so I can create more love in my life. More love in the world. Thank you universe.

And the night before I head back north I have a dream where I was throwing a party. I felt like an adult in the dream, I’m not sure how old...and this man comes in, full of rage and starts choking me and yelling at me. Someone parked close to his car and he loves his car. And I remember feeling this way much of my life, this feeling of deep rage being directed at me, or being able to feel it because I was empathic. Feeling this in the world. And I took it. Until I was 39 years old, I took it. I took the verbal abuse, i did not step away from the rage, I kept stepping towards it with love. With all the love I had to give in the world. Because I had so so much love to give and I knew he needed it. At 39 I finally realized i needed my love more. And now I know I am worthy of that love.

In this dream, I shoved him away and I slapped him, and I mean slapped him. I remember the look on his face, such disbelief, and then I slapped him again, so so hard. With everything in me, every ounce of 'you will never treat me this way again', I slapped him. And I did not care if anyone saw it. It was not my secret to keep anymore. It is not my secret to keep anymore. And I walked away.

And that is what I have been doing step by step these last few years. Walking away from my good girl adaptation, from patriarchy, from the shaming of women, the shaming of the feminine, from denial of emotions, from a sense of obligation to love others more than myself, walking away from silence, walking through fear, walking towards love. Tearing the walls down around my heart so I can live an open hearted life where I am connected to and living my true wild essence. Where I can love and live without fear.

And I woke up and remembered all of the feelings of this dream, the rage, the fear, the power, my own anger and instead of feeling deep sadness, I felt a sense of profound freedom.

And so I know I am heading back to open myself up for tenderness, for vulnerability, for another layer of intimacy and I am nervous. I know I am heading north for my body, heart and soul first and foremost. That this is the reason I am being guided to return to the river.

So I can come back to more of myself.