Walking through fear, walking towards Love.

So there are a few chapters to this love story of mine. Yesterday's post was part of it but there is a section in between that I need to share too. The last time I saw L, or I thought I was going to see L was when I kissed him on the street in El Chalten. A romantic, made for movies ending to our 7 day love affair.

And then I check into my new hotel and am guided to my room, the Fitz Roy, and it has a view of the Rio de las Vueltas and Mt Fitz Roy. These two symbols for me these past 10 days of the masculine and feminine. And it’s so perfect. I can spend a night here digesting all this goodness that has happened to me as I sink into the last 7 days and then I will head south for Ushuaia.

This is what I thought but the universe, oh this universe had something else in mind for me. That day I went to the rock where L and I had our date night. And i laid on it for hours, stretching enjoying the sunshine, enjoying the memories flooding through me. And then I got so so tired. I went back to my hotel and noticed my glands were swelling up, that I had a fever and I knew the signs. Something so beautiful and so delicious had happened that my body was detoxing huge amounts of old dark energy. And I knew I would be here more than 1 night. So I surrender. I go to the sauna and stretch, I take an hour long bath in epsom salts to move this energy through. To support my body in letting go of all the old fear. I barely sleep that first night, my throat glands so swollen that every time I swallow I wake up. I am bundled up in clothes, socks and my body is racked with chills, in the morning my clothes and sheets are drenched.

This is what love does, this is what light does. It alchemizes all this old energy that is stuck in our body, all the old fear, that love will hurt, that sex will hurt, all of that tension that had lived in my body for so many years, some of it since I was a little girl, some of it passed on to me from my ancestors. Some of it the trauma of simply being a human on this earth, some of it being a woman being afraid of men. Old emotional trauma stuck in my body. So many things that are moving through me. Being transmuted by being supported by this nature, by the love of this good man. By the energies of the divine masculine and feminine. These energies are magnified here. It is a vortex of this energy. And my body is relaxing and letting go and it is my job to love it up.

I find a veggie restaurant and become friends wth the women who work there. And for a few days they make me smoothies- 'smoothies for Kim' not on the menu. They add bee pollen, ginger (i love in a pueblo of 600 people there is bee pollen, ginger and such goodness) and love. They give me hugs.These women become my sisters as I digest my love with them. As I tell them of the beauty of this man and this time. Around the corner is a health food store when I can buy Valeriana Root to make tea with - this helps soothe my body. I buy honey lozenges for my throat. I stroll through town to move my body, I take long naps, that night I watch an Argentinian film all about love sprawled on a couch in this little nook in my hotel, as the wind whips through town. I sleep better but my sheets and clothes are still drenched in the morning.

Another day of smoothies, strolls, buying cherries for my new friends. And I start checking in with my body and it is saying return north, to this place I met L. and this is inconceivable to me. Why would i do that? It is time to move on. And I realize this is what I do. I go to my limit and then I move on.

And I give these energies 30 minutes, 30 mintues to tell me everything they want. And they are afraid, they are so afraid of truly, deeply, opening up their heart and being hurt again, there are tears of fear and then there is deep deep, what I can only descirbe as this communion betweem this part of myself that i have never met, the gatekeeper, the wall builder, the one who has stood guard, the one who when intimacy was nearby would steer us the other way. The one who has been vigilant, standing guard against intruders who could decimate us and hurt us again. The one who would prefer I stay away from men in any intimate way, having chatty conversations is okay but let’s not share our emotions, our tears…we know how that turns out. We get a knife in our heart. And she in no uncertain terms told me she would do everything in her power to derail this time with L, that we had gotten close enough, too close and she would not allow anyone closer. And I listen and I feel her exhaustion, I feel her fear, her anger, her stance on this. She is very clear. there are no tears, there is simple conversation. Do not do this to us again.

Because for years I did, i went back again and again with love, without discernment and got blasted with rage, with disapproval, that created pain, that I somehow tried to make right in mind. And she spents years and years trying to get me away and I stayed. I kept on staying doing incomprehensible damage to my body, to my soul, to my heart. So she built up those walls for good reason.

I wrap her up in love. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want to talk her out of it, or convince her, I simply want to love her. Because she is so lovable. She has been my guardian against the fear of love bringing unbearable pain. And I honor her role, I honor her place in my life. And I know, I longer need such walls, such armor, that bit by bit I have been tearing them down. And this wall, this one of vulnerability, of softness, of receiving tenderness is the next one, and its big. As I look back on all these moments with men, I can see how I ran when it was time for me to receive tenderness, how I would push it away, stop it, anything and everything to protect myself. And brick by brick, new action by action, calling in better kinder men each time I am opening up again. And with L, I feel safe to ask him to hold me. No sex. Just tenderness, words, caresses, just for me. It’s so time.

So, what if I go back and see what else is possible? Can I completely release attachment, can I go there for me? Can I receive more tenderness, which is what I need so badly. I have let these women take care of me with smoothies, with dictionaries, with movies. Can I let this man in to this part of me? Can I show him just how raw and tender and soft I am? Because all I want is tenderness. All I want is to melt into his arms, all I want is to sleep on the beach with his arms around me. That is my desire.

I surrender, and I go to the office in town to make my reservation and there is a cabana for two days, then a tent for two days, then cabanas open up again.

And since I know I am going back and I want to be able to communicate better with L, I seek out a dictionary. I go to 5 stores, no English/Spanish dictionary. One man tells me to go to a store that has books. It's called Mucho Amor. I walk in and there is not a book in sight. But there are two wonderful, kind souls and we start talking about life and amor (love). And we are laughing and sharing stories, And this man keeps correcting my Spanish and I tell him I am looking for a Spanish/English dictionary. And the owner, who later tells me her name is Maria but she thinks of herself as Maid Marion gifts me her dictionary for my time north. And I am speechless and this is perfect. Here I am at a store called Mucho Amor receiving a dictionary so I can create more love in my life. More love in the world. Thank you universe.

And the night before I head back north I have a dream where I was throwing a party. I felt like an adult in the dream, I’m not sure how old...and this man comes in, full of rage and starts choking me and yelling at me. Someone parked close to his car and he loves his car. And I remember feeling this way much of my life, this feeling of deep rage being directed at me, or being able to feel it because I was empathic. Feeling this in the world. And I took it. Until I was 39 years old, I took it. I took the verbal abuse, i did not step away from the rage, I kept stepping towards it with love. With all the love I had to give in the world. Because I had so so much love to give and I knew he needed it. At 39 I finally realized i needed my love more. And now I know I am worthy of that love.

In this dream, I shoved him away and I slapped him, and I mean slapped him. I remember the look on his face, such disbelief, and then I slapped him again, so so hard. With everything in me, every ounce of 'you will never treat me this way again', I slapped him. And I did not care if anyone saw it. It was not my secret to keep anymore. It is not my secret to keep anymore. And I walked away.

And that is what I have been doing step by step these last few years. Walking away from my good girl adaptation, from patriarchy, from the shaming of women, the shaming of the feminine, from denial of emotions, from a sense of obligation to love others more than myself, walking away from silence, walking through fear, walking towards love. Tearing the walls down around my heart so I can live an open hearted life where I am connected to and living my true wild essence. Where I can love and live without fear.

And I woke up and remembered all of the feelings of this dream, the rage, the fear, the power, my own anger and instead of feeling deep sadness, I felt a sense of profound freedom.

And so I know I am heading back to open myself up for tenderness, for vulnerability, for another layer of intimacy and I am nervous. I know I am heading north for my body, heart and soul first and foremost. That this is the reason I am being guided to return to the river.

So I can come back to more of myself.