HOPE...how meeting a stranger restored mine.

When I look back on this summer one of my favorite most magical moments was when I attended the Art of Receiving workshop at Burning Man. Yes, I was surprised too. There are workshops at Burning Man. Hundreds of them. From improv, dance classes, yoga, Irish Pub sing alongs, felting...

So I'm at this workshop and at one point the facilitators have us think about something that is present for us and to stare at your partner (Mikey, who I met moments before) as you let all of these thoughts and feelings move through you and for your partner to intuit what you need to receive in this moment and convey it to you with one word.  I stare into this stranger's blue eyes and I think about all my deep desire for partnership, for romance, sex, tenderness, for sharing my life, my heart, for wanting this part of my life to be alive, engaged and present and this painful yearning in my soul for my man.

Mikey asks if he can take my hand between his. I say yes. He takes my right hand and places it in between both of his, looks me in the eye and says "Hope."

And I receive it. I feel my heart soften, the tears start to form. I feel the comfort and warmth of  his hands holding mine.

He says it again. "Hope".

The tears start streaming down my face, I lower my head. He leans his forehead against mine. "Hope."  We stay like this for a minute: my tears flowing, this stranger holding my hand, his forehead gently pressed against mine. And I receive it, I feel it moving through me and helping alchemize all the disappointment, the pain, the leather ties across my heart, the loss of faith. I feel renewed, restored, soft, tender and full of hope.

What an incredible gift to receive. 

It's two days later- the infusion of hope still running through my system. I'm sitting on a bench and a man walks over to see if I'm okay. And it's there. Organic, easy connection. Attraction, curiosity.  We watch the burning of the man from the top of his RV. We talk, we kiss, there is passion, there is playfulness. We walk through Burning Man receiving a chocolate mint cupcake (my favorite), jumping in the inflatable bouncy house, kissing, caressing, dancing. Receiving and living life infused with magic and hope.

So thank you Mikey.  Whoever you are and wherever you are for your much needed, perfectly timed infusion of hope. Thank you for opening my heart to magic, possibility and believing again. And for those of you reading this who need an infusion of hope. I take your hand in between mine. I look you in the eyes and powerfully, gently, full of love and belief share the energy of hope.  

Opening up to receive more - City of Refuge, Big Island, Hawaii. 2012.

What Felicity taught me today

This is one of the blogs I wrote this summer and didn’t post. I wasn’t ready to share and really stand for my knowing. A lot has happened these past two months and I realize I just need to share what comes to me and what comes with that…well I’ll deal with it when it comes. So here it is, better late than never or perhaps in divine timing.

Today’s lesson brought to me by: Felicity

I love how the universe brings me movies, songs, tv shows that offer me guidance and wisdom when I am in need (and oh I have been in need lately).

Today while doing the dishes I was called to watch this scene from Felicity (which I didn't discover until I was 36).

Let’s just say I stopped washing the dishes and watched it again.

For all recovering good girls, all sweet empathic souls…read, listen, take this into your heart.  At any age.  Wishing I had heard these words, known this truth at 12, 18, 25, 32…grateful I have found it, believe it and can say them at 41. 

Felicity: 19 year-old woman talking to long sought after boyfriend, Ben

“The truth is I can’t be with you like this. I mean I know I said I could but I can’t.  I just can’t compromise myself like that. I mean I’m an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset and talk about how I’m feeling. 

I mean that’s just who I am and I can’t change that. 

I don’t want to.

And the thing is you knew that. You knew it and you still pursued me because you want something with me. You just aren’t strong enough to have it, which in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is one day your gonna wake up and realized what you missed and it’s gonna be too late. 

Ben: “I don’t know what to say.”

Felicity “I know. It’s okay.”  

It’s okay because we get it. We feel it. We see it. Swirling about us in our families, our communities, our jobs, our world. We get it’s scary and uncomfortable and new terrain and that there are so few examples of how to be this emotional person in the world.  

The problem is when we DO compromise, we and the world lose out. We lose our truth and the change and wisdom it brings.  Our self-expression and the art and creation of lives, our wants and needs that inspire others. Our value, our joy, our life force energy which balances out the left-brain world.  Because we are managing others emotions or denying our to make others comfortable, to accommodate what others are comfortable with.  We feel the pain, the injustice, the joy and there are so few places for us to express it. We want to scream, wail, moan, rage, delight, dance and the world hasn’t provided us places for this. They took away those places. Our red tents, our men, our women who could hold space for and honor our emotional gifts.  We missed out on examples of people living in their emotions. Holding in, shoving down my emotions for so much of my life cost me years, tens of thousands of dollars, mysterious diseases, divorce, and disconnection.  It cost me living in my truth, sharing my self with the world.

We must stop abandoning ourselves. We must stand and speak and rage and sob. It matters, every beautiful emotion we have shoved down, overanalyzed and not owned matters. It is time for us to own these emotions that are a sacred part of our humanity, of our world. They offer guidance, connection, solace, release, and truth. They bring color, texture and great beauty to our world. 

It is time. It is our choice. No more compromising. 

So thank you to Jennifer Levin and the other Felicity writers for the words I needed to hear today. To spark this reminder that for years I did compromise, adapted to a certain sort of insanity that I took as truth when it fact it was so far from it.  When the very thing I needed to do, the world was starving for me to do was to share all of my gorgeous, resplendent, complicated, oh-so-very-real and powerful emotions and compromise no more. 

I hope this post supports you in sharing your emotions, with yourself and others. I would love to hear about it and as always am here to support your sharing of your beautiful self, the world needs all of you. 

Here’s the clip: you can skip the video after 5 seconds of advertising

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHYlMTdW5KQ

I'm fully dressed leaving a sauna in Berlin

So where did we leave off? Oh yes, the Naked Finnish Sauna Man (NFSM).  So, I was disappointed in myself. That in that moment I didn't say what I was feeling and thinking. That I've done this so much in my life.  And that I block myself from receiving the abundance the universe is pouring on me. That this fear of bringing pain stops me. Not being able to believe it can be good, easy and kind, especially from men.

I leave the sauna and take myself to the Ritz Carlton lounge, order myself a delicious glass of Pinot Noir, enjoy the free wasabi peanuts and olives stuffed with almonds and start typing away. I type all that happened and I keep giggling and laughing as I type. I laugh at how I said hello to him and it wasn't him. I laugh about how me met, the nudity, about the woman who sat between us doing her mime act as I kept moving my head to make eye contact. I laugh at the humanity of it all, at my humanity. 

I start walking back to my hotel. Still giggling and laughing about different scenarios, things I could have said to NFSM and then mid-laugh I started tearing up, then the tears are streaming, then the sobs come. This other part of me that is so longing for connection.  This sweet precious part of myself that is trying so hard, that is so kind and good and wants to be met with that same energy.  This part that is tired of being alone, tired of working at it, tired of missing out, longing for touch, for passion, for attraction, affection, this ancient, primal grief of fear of men and feeling myself withdraw in their presence when I truly want communion with them.  I have spent so much time, energy and money healing from abuse and trauma and to know there is still this part of me that feels unworthy/unsafe and scared breaks my heart. 

I stop on a bridge and let the tears fall into the water below. I let the sounds emerge, the wails, the longing and pain coming from the deepest part of me. I turn my palms up to sky and silently say this prayer  "I will go wherever I need to, do what I need to do. I surrender. Help me."  

Help Me. I have to believe help is on the way. 

I leave the bridge and the tears eventually transmute into a fierceness. This part of me that is so fierce for my soul, my pleasure, my joy. This warrior part of me that is so solid, strong and powerful. I put some Gaga on my iPhone and do a power walk/strut/dance through the streets of Berlin. I am my own music video. I am not letting it keep me down. I go back to the hotel, change my clothes and go out for a walk. It's about 11pm. Berlin is a late town so even though it's a Monday, restaurants are open and folks are enjoying this incredible weather by sipping their wine and savoring their meals outside. I am smiling at people as they pass, I head down an alley into a courtyard checking out the menu at Oxymoron. When a man makes a comment about the menu. I turn and recognize his as man who I had smiled out moments before. He has followed me.

He asks me to join him for a glass of wine. I say yes. He's from the Ukraine, lived in Berlin on and off for 20 years. Spent time in India, Italy, France. He is well traveled. He is not NFSM. I do not feel that chemistry, that desire to kiss him or have him kiss me. We head to another place to trade more stories, our perspectives on life, art. He wants more, I am not interested in more with him. So no. No thank you. I want it to feel good, honest, true and easy. I am worth that. I am grateful for our conversation and I want more. I desire to feel safe receiving the abundance, love, passion, heat, tenderness the universe has for me. I desire for this part of me that is scared of intimacy and goodness to feel safe, loved, whole and ready to receive more.

I desire this for us all. So that we are so filled up with what we truly want we are able to offer more love to ourselves and the world. And for those parts of you that sob on bridges too, I see you, I am hugging you, I send you love. 

The Embrace. An art piece from Burning Man 2014. 

I'm naked in a sauna in Berlin...

Yesterday I took myself to Liquidrom...a sauna, salt water pool extravaganza in Berlin. I'm in the sauna- luxuriating in the heat, the lavender infusion, my eyes are closed. Then I hear "Miss, no bathing suits allowed in the sauna."  I admit I am a little thrown, then I'm even more thrown when I get up and see the two men behind me...naked and I have to say gorgeous.  So I somewhat gracefully exit the sauna, use the shower and then walk back in and take off my swimsuit. Doing my best to get lost in the lavender infusion and having a bit of a hard time.  These are my thoughts.  "Is it no swimsuit...wear a towel around your body?" I don't think so because the men aren't. "Is it no swimsuit but be on your belly?" Doubtful. And mind you there is a wall of glass in this huge sauna that opens up to the a large outdoor lounging area where most people are in robes and bathing suits so I feel a bit on display.  A new person enters and I covertly open an eye lid and see it is a naked woman and she is not wrapping her towel around her body so I stay laid out on mine and relax a bit.

I start hearing this language I've never heard before. It is a rhythm like Australian at times and yet clearly isn't. This thought goes around and around in my head until I flip over and ask the men what language are they speaking.  Finnish. We talk about language, Finns and the saunas in their apartment, that these two men work together and are with work colleagues and a prospective hire...to see if they can hang out together.  Their words not mine.  One of the men has a kind, open energy and I am instantly attracted to him. He feels good to me. No need to think about.  We keep talking- amidst more arrivals, one who sits her naked self in between me and the men and is taking quiet awhile to get comfortable so my view goes from her torso, to his face, her arm, to the other man's face...we keep talking. I like this man more and more. His friend announces he is off to get water and the other man follows, his towel discreetly placed- thank goddess.

And I start thinking...how does one approach a naked man at a spa who is with his work colleagues and ask him out for a drink. Because I am clear I want to spend more time with him.  And it is important for me to be honest about what I want and to go for it.  

One dip in the magical salt pool later, I sit across from him and his colleagues at the outdoor lounging area, sipping my water but I don't make eye contact. I will my eyes to open and smile and they will not! I am in my head. I am acting aloof but I am not. There is a precious part of me that is scared, that has no idea about boys/men.  That has been keeping them at bay for a lifetime.  Especially ones that feel this good. I can talk for hours to the ones I have no interest in, make eye-contact etc. But when there is attraction some part of me is so afraid I flee. I've seen it happen time and time again.  And I spent the summer being curious and loving about this, seeking help, doing body work, healing up more PTSD...and my eyes will not open. Some part of me is still terrified. I forget to go to the bathroom and do a dance move to get back in my body. I forget to breathe deep. I forget to laugh, I forget to listen to music. 

At one point I am walking by the bar, glance up and see him sitting there. I say hello, except it isn't him..it's yet another scruffy bearded dark haired man. Ugg! Nice try though. Then, at long last I am back in the sauna and I see his entire group of co-workers heading to the dressing room. I lay there for a few minutes more because it isn't in my pleasure to leave yet, I want more time in sauna land and I want to talk with him (at the time I am thinking my options are get dressed and leave or stay in sauna...now I know there are more options).  I make my way to the dressing room, attempting to put on my bra and form fitting, need-help-to-get-the-zipper-all-the- way-up-dress over my sauna-hot body and I get a glimpse of him in the dressing rooms- clothed. Yes, the dressing rooms are sanctioned as male/female and yet they are no walls. That was another shock when I entered the glass door with the figurine of woman, I thought i had walked into the male locker room.  Perhaps another reason I am feeling a bit ungrounded.  I get help getting my dress zipped, go outside and he is...gone. No sign of him. Ugg. 

I go back in, put on my bathing suit and head back to the sauna to sit with all that happened and didn't happen.  

I am so tired of missing out, of being fearful, of holding back, of fleeing, of being paralyzed, of not being able to open my eyes and welcome him in. Of not asking for what I want. And yet there are many gems and expansion in all of this as well. 

Part 2 of the naked Finnish Man in the Sauna will be shared tomorrow.  It involves talking to myself in the streets of Berlin, giggles, wasabi peas, sobbing on a bridge and being asked out for a glass of wine by another man in front of a restaurant called Oxymoron.

Until then, I wish you so much love. May your eyes and heart open. 

I know it's been awhile...

Hey Everyone

I know it's been awhile since I shared on this page. I've been traveling with my Mom in Germany and also doing a lot of traveling on the inner planes. Huge transformational shifts around compassion, men, and feeling more safe in the world to show up as me.  The theme of this summer was GENTLENESS. To be more gentle and kind with myself. To be more loving and sweet and forgiving. To laugh at it all more often, to celebrate my bungles because it meant I was going for it and getting closer.  To slow down and let my body rest.  I have so much to write and share with you all. Where to start?

It was a summer of understanding I was still not showing up in the world, most especially around men as the wise, knowing, powerful woman I AM.  I was still wearing that patriarchy raised mask of good girl, of keeping it light rather than sharing all that I am. Of being someone I though they would like rather than being me.  The universe provided many opportunities for me to research this- some were comical, others had me sobbing for days and moving through chunks of ancient pain. But the more gentle I was with myself the pain diminished and there was more kindness and compassion.

I was at Wanderlust yoga/dance (emphasis on the dance for me) retreat and had a male teacher whose words and meditation moved me, that melted my heart.  This was a man who lived in the emotional realm, who valued it!  I ran into him later and thanked him. That went very well and then he asked about me and I found myself stammering and muttering about writing a book, but not really owning it, not being in my knowing.  I showed him the pool at the hotel and had so left my body I walked through the emergency exit, setting off the alarms, I freaked and glanced around wondering if I would really get impaled by the boundary fence spiked metal poles if I leapt over them to escape. I giggled and laughed and felt him withdraw. We walked back through the emergency exit so the alarm could sound one more time and he quickly made his exit. I saw him again and mumbled a greeting. I saw myself shrink and I realized this was such a gift. Because how am I going to meet more of my tribe, meet my man if I'm not owning all of me?  If I don't work through the deep fear I felt of being seen that I left my body.? So I had to be gentle with my humanity, with my leaving my body, with my not showing up.  I had to be curious and loving and that can be very hard for me at times. Hence the theme of gentleness. All of this was happening for my expansion and at moments I knew that and could get on board- at others I beat myself and felt stupid, weak and so so so far behind!

But I didn't crawl over the metal spikes.  Instead, I started owning it, owning me and I was met more and more.  I met men at restaurants, burning man, watching a world cup game, husbands of friends. I showed up more and more.  When they asked me what I did, I told them I help heal broken hearts and reclaim our wild. I told them of my travels, my one way tickets. This led to so many incredible conversations. And more and more they reflected back to me my joy, my uniqueness, their gratitude for our paths crossing. I have never felt this with men before- not in this way, not for my essence, for my soul. I met men this summer who were cheering me on, who started reading this blog. Who were excited about my writing, about my life and the way I live it.  I wasn't having to prove myself, I was merely being myself and releasing the need to be approved of by them.  And in doing that, I experienced true freedom. I changed, not them. 

I was able to alchemize the tremendous amounts of grief and shame I felt about being me and therefore unlovable by men (who would love an empathic, intuitive, spiritual, sensitive, dancing-in-the-rainstorm-in- Maine, one-way-ticket traveler who was not so savvy and sophisticated with men?) into loving myself even more, feeling even more lovable.  I was able to take all the years of being told I was wrong, too sensitive, too unconventional, wrong college degree, too big, too loving, not living my life right and get in total agreement with all of these delicious, perfect parts of me.  And to see that the person who was telling me these things- well that was his stuff, not mine and he didn't get to be in my life anymore and tear me down every chance he could. 

So instead of apologetic, I feel power and beauty in my journey, in being me.  I feel stronger, more delighted and grateful for my life, more clear on my purpose and my desires.  I feel gentleness infusing all parts of my life which makes the world feel more welcoming and full of infinite possibilities.  

I hope you had a summer of expansion, of love and of greater gentleness than you ever imagined. 

                      dancing in a rainstorm in Maine and loving myself up

                            At Burning Man, doing my morning dance in front of LOVE