So where did we leave off? Oh yes, the Naked Finnish Sauna Man (NFSM). So, I was disappointed in myself. That in that moment I didn't say what I was feeling and thinking. That I've done this so much in my life. And that I block myself from receiving the abundance the universe is pouring on me. That this fear of bringing pain stops me. Not being able to believe it can be good, easy and kind, especially from men.
I leave the sauna and take myself to the Ritz Carlton lounge, order myself a delicious glass of Pinot Noir, enjoy the free wasabi peanuts and olives stuffed with almonds and start typing away. I type all that happened and I keep giggling and laughing as I type. I laugh at how I said hello to him and it wasn't him. I laugh about how me met, the nudity, about the woman who sat between us doing her mime act as I kept moving my head to make eye contact. I laugh at the humanity of it all, at my humanity.
I start walking back to my hotel. Still giggling and laughing about different scenarios, things I could have said to NFSM and then mid-laugh I started tearing up, then the tears are streaming, then the sobs come. This other part of me that is so longing for connection. This sweet precious part of myself that is trying so hard, that is so kind and good and wants to be met with that same energy. This part that is tired of being alone, tired of working at it, tired of missing out, longing for touch, for passion, for attraction, affection, this ancient, primal grief of fear of men and feeling myself withdraw in their presence when I truly want communion with them. I have spent so much time, energy and money healing from abuse and trauma and to know there is still this part of me that feels unworthy/unsafe and scared breaks my heart.
I stop on a bridge and let the tears fall into the water below. I let the sounds emerge, the wails, the longing and pain coming from the deepest part of me. I turn my palms up to sky and silently say this prayer "I will go wherever I need to, do what I need to do. I surrender. Help me."
Help Me. I have to believe help is on the way.
I leave the bridge and the tears eventually transmute into a fierceness. This part of me that is so fierce for my soul, my pleasure, my joy. This warrior part of me that is so solid, strong and powerful. I put some Gaga on my iPhone and do a power walk/strut/dance through the streets of Berlin. I am my own music video. I am not letting it keep me down. I go back to the hotel, change my clothes and go out for a walk. It's about 11pm. Berlin is a late town so even though it's a Monday, restaurants are open and folks are enjoying this incredible weather by sipping their wine and savoring their meals outside. I am smiling at people as they pass, I head down an alley into a courtyard checking out the menu at Oxymoron. When a man makes a comment about the menu. I turn and recognize his as man who I had smiled out moments before. He has followed me.
He asks me to join him for a glass of wine. I say yes. He's from the Ukraine, lived in Berlin on and off for 20 years. Spent time in India, Italy, France. He is well traveled. He is not NFSM. I do not feel that chemistry, that desire to kiss him or have him kiss me. We head to another place to trade more stories, our perspectives on life, art. He wants more, I am not interested in more with him. So no. No thank you. I want it to feel good, honest, true and easy. I am worth that. I am grateful for our conversation and I want more. I desire to feel safe receiving the abundance, love, passion, heat, tenderness the universe has for me. I desire for this part of me that is scared of intimacy and goodness to feel safe, loved, whole and ready to receive more.
I desire this for us all. So that we are so filled up with what we truly want we are able to offer more love to ourselves and the world. And for those parts of you that sob on bridges too, I see you, I am hugging you, I send you love.
The Embrace. An art piece from Burning Man 2014.