Letting go of old dreams

I’m writing this the next day, it’s lunchtime. I am on a terrace overlooking trees, a lake and seeing the Andeas in the distance. I’m sipping a glass of sauvignon blanc, I am eating fresh greens from the garden with some quinoa and Argentinian olive oil. I am dipping homemade bread into this same oil infused with rosemary. Because I created this. Because I choose this. Because I believe more than I ever have in love, in ease, in beauty, As I look at on the Patagonia landscape that I will be leaving tomorrow, i am forever changed because of my 6 days here.

And yet, I realize some part of me has felt that none of this is important, this journey in nature, into the feminine, into love. Why can’t I have my career, meet my man and set up home? And have community and be. A part that has been resistant, bratty, pissed.

And I understand it is this part of me that needs to grow up and let that vision laid out for her so long ago. That needs to recognize the gift of all of this magic, of this time to wander the world, to evolve my energy, my consciousness, my heart, and to be LIVING it. To everyday get to live it. Whether in a grocery store in Seattle or hiking in Patagonia. I get to live love. I get to create love. Every day I get to choose the new, the more, the something even better. Every day I get to evolve past my limited thinking and allow the universe to guide me. As we all do. This is simply the way my journey looks. Every day I get to mature this part of me that doesn’t believe as much, that wants the comfort of Grey’s Anatomy, the memories of a Judith McNaught romance novel. It wants to latch on to SOMETHING that makes sense. SOMETHING that it knows.

It is my wiser self that needs to step in and say ‘honey bunny, I get we are changing a lot but instead of tv or this book you’ve already read, how about we head out for a walk and see what magic we can receive? Or how about we ask for hug? There are other options, that we were never taught.”

Because, for me, I’ve given enough of this lifetime to the old, to sitting on my couch watching my DVR full of tv shows that dull my senses for hours rather than being out in the world. 20 years of wondering and watching will Jason and Liz ever get together on General Hospital and the answer is, still, yes and no. Might be time to turn off that channel. Do I let my younger, comfortable, adapted self guide me in this life or allow this wise, powerful woman who has experienced so much more of life take the reins.

Do I let her say to the world, this is what I want, I want to dance under the moon, I want to live in Bali for awhile, I want to skinny dip, I want to savor every taste in the world, see unimaginable vistas, camp in the desert in Morocco. I want to hike to natural hot springs, I want to gather round a campfire with people from all over the world who love life and then dance into the early morning. I want to visit Iceland, Scotland. And in each of these places I want to be of service. I want to love so big and so outrageously.

I want so much more that I ever imagined possible. And I’m so ready to admit it. To own it.

So, do I let this girl who douses her desires, her yearning to make everyone else happy and to receive artificial love still run the show? Or do I truly let my wise wild woman lead?

And I know i am doing this more and more,…I mean for hell’s sakes I just gifted all of my possessions, sold my car, have no apartment, chopped off 6 inches of my hair and am in Patagonia. And yet I know there is something more I have not completely surrendered to. Some part of my heart that is still not guiding the way. Some part of me that for years has believed that I could have lovers all over the world and create moments with them, be present with them and then go to the next place that calls me. And yet this has never happened. The part of me that knows I want to live in a community on shared land, with my own home. Where we dance, garden, snuggle and make meals together, where we share so much more of our day to day lives in community amongst beauty and nature. Where there is so much less separation, so much more sharing of all it. Of our emotions, our play, our wild, our love. Because this is what calls to me. And yet, for the most part, I spent the last 6 years living alone. Why have I not created this?

And so “Honey, bunny it’s time to let the need to be the CEO go, to release the need to tweet, to have one man. It’s time to let Jason and Liz go. This is not who we are, this is who thought we had to be. It’s time to leave this here in Patagonia. so we can come back home. We get to let all of that go and just be. We get to hold it lightly, to laugh and love more than we ever imagined. And it is going to be so joyful, so expansive, so full of love, of beauty, of travel, of new experience”

So here is to the real me emerging more and more, releasing my adaptations to who I thought I had to be, to be loved, to live in this world, in this time, to the rules, to the shoulds. May I leave those here in Patagonia to compost, that they blow away so effortlessly in the wind so that my coming home is full of ease, grace, beauty and something even better.

And it is with this energy I go for a walk to the lookout point. One more dance with the land of Patagonia. A moment of emergence. Of transformation. Of allowing the new to flow in. Of speaking all of this outloud as I walk to move this energy through, so it comes from the essence of who I am. So the wind, the sun, the water, the land hear my prayers. So the birds, the plants and trees can take these words with them and spread them far and wide.

“May my coming home be a trusting of my incredible intuition of my body, may I honor it’s guidance to reach out and caress your forearm and share my healing, intuitive touch. May I trust that these actions are part of my purpose. May I say the words that want to flow, may they move from body and heart rather than my head. May I be playful and joyful and create from this place. May I release the need to feel I am here to save the world and the weight I have carried with that belief. May I be the hummingbird that brings the water to the forest fire because that is my part to play and to allow others to do theirs. May I be brave with my actions, shifting patterns, energies, habits to a higher good, a greater integrity.

May I use laughter as my medicine, dance as my way home, nature as my healer.

May I remember that this is my wild life to live and to create one that is so profoundly true to me, that in every moment it is an expression of love from and of the divine.

And as I continue to release the adaptations and come back to my wild self, may I be full of love and compassion for the adaptations, may I move through hesitancy and fear with grace and laughter, may I let these adaptive parts know they are not my truth and do not serve my greatest good. May I be authentically outrageous with my love, to fling open the doors to the balcony and be my dramatic self. To not take it all so seriously and just allow my love to flow, to delight in what my flow is.

May I create from this place of knowing the value of it all. The need for my medicine in the world. May any remainder of disapproval be replaced with pride. May I surrender to the divine and be a conduit of love.”

This is my prayer.

I make my way to the lake for a final swim— stroke by stroke, so gentle, so slow, allowing it all to wash through me.

I came down to my dinner spot in front of the fire to find a red rose there. Red roses speak to me of faith, of the feminine, of love. Of mary magdalene. So I am moved. So very very moved. I step outside to let these sweet tears flow…for the love, the beauty, the growth as I live my wild life. More please. I enjoy a quiet and delicious dinner and then head out to the terrace with cousins and a newlywed couple for our final night. And under the epic stars of this sky, we laugh about my new saying..bien so bien. We speak of mate, of que boludo, we eat chocolate mousse, sip wine and laugh together for a long time. I talk to one of the younger cousins about how women are like barbecue. That we appreciate attention, having our fires stoked..we tease that he will become a great abader…barbecuer.

And after this week of such movement, such change, this is exactly what I needed…coming together with these beautiful people to simply be. To laugh about it all. To laugh about life. It truly is the best medicine.

I ask for more. More of my truth to be exposed to me and more of me saying yes to it with delight, joy, ease and trust. More of being brave. Of creating from my wise woman. For I sense it will take me places I never imagined were truly possible and yet have always felt existed.

And it is with all of this that I leave this magical place. With this sense of levity, of possibility, my feet over the side of the boat, staring at the mountains, staring into the depths of the lake, feeling the sun, the wind and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Bien. So Bien.

So many adventures to be had

This is a long one folks..its been a day! And it was written two days ago…

I get downstairs in time to say goodbye to new women friends who now feel like sisters. I then eat a nourishing meal made for me, eggs, prosciutto, cheese, pan dulce- my new favorite thing. I mean come on. This is insane. the views, the people, hugs goodbye, welcome holas, I am feeling a little off center so I head back up for a few minutes, am able to post my FB post and realize I need to head out on a walk. I grab my phone so I can have my music with me and am off.

Little do I know

I head out, feeling this slightly frenetic energy moving through me. I allow this part of me to go on and on about the man, about boys, about not having a clue what to do or say, about never learning this stuff and it all feels so weird, and deeply wanting tenderness. And I feel her needing to cry, to move this out. Knowing now that’s what these walks are about. Moving my body to move energy out with love and nature. Using this energy to shift my energy.
and I pause and let this part of me know that everything is okay, I will be held, I will be taken care of, there is nothing to worry about. Every book, every experience, every person I need will come to me with ease and grace. She doesn’t need to think so much or worry. She is loved. So very very loved.

And I realize there are so many adventures to be had. That part of my, let’s call it confusion is the scale of things the experience of things.. That adventures means hiking the harshest places in Patagonia, the tallest, the most traveled. And I realize what I am really needing more of is an adventure of my heart. I’m needing to let my heart out into this world with other people, to receive love in this way. That yes my body also loves adventure. And that it is so important for me to move and honor this and it is also important to make sure I am having heart adventures, that I am expanding my sense of self with my heart too. Being brave with it, being honest with it’s desires. And part of expanding my heart means receiving. It means getting hugs, supported, and being held. It means knowing my heart and me matter. So I ask for more ways to explore this, to receive. And that they also be gentle and kind.

Little do I know

As I am walking and thinking I lose track of time. I see a sign for Playa del Sur and head that way. And I keep walking and the landscape keeps getting more wild and more beautiful and I sense I am not heading to Playa Guerro as directed…and yet my body wants to keep walking this way.

So I do

Because i’ve learned to trust my body over a map. over the rules.

I arrive at the southern most point of the island and am a bit disappointed thinking I’m going to have to turn around and do the same trail…not my favorite thing to hike back the way I came. I go down to rocky waterfront. My body wants to go right, to where the water meets the rock…and I do love to rock scrambles so I do for a bit. And it becomes a little bit more precarious but I check in with my body and it wants to keep going while my head is screaming THIS IS DANGEROUS. YOU COULD HURT YOURSELF!!! and many other horrible things. But I keep going. Trusting my body and then we get to a tricky patch..My shoes are now wet and there is sheer drop off, with the rock having a slight incline. I make a few hesitant moves, continuing to check in with my body which gives a green light, but I can’t find my path, I keep reminding myself, step by step. So, I take a few steps, I look back the way I came. I’m in this place for about 8-10 minutes. My body doesn't want to go up, it will go straight but not super excited about it. I push it a few times and then look down and realize if I take my shoes off and walk in the water…it will be much easier. So I do. I take off my shoes tie them together, put my socks in them and throw them over my neck. I get my purchase (fancy rock climbing term for footing) and am off! I feel my entire body light up!! This is awesome! I did it! There is a little adrenaline coursing through my veins that I trusted my body and moved through brain fear. A victory lap if you will. I keep going barefoot, loving how solid my feet feel as they connect on the rock. Joy. joy. joy. Then shoes back on, more scrambling for a bit. Total dead end and I head up a slope to make my way up junglesque terrain, steep hills back to the trail. There are only deer and wild boar trails.

Little do I know

I am so delighted as I make my way through these ‘trails’. Hopping over fallen logs, making my way under bamboo branches,..using my body to guide me. I start feeling more and more alive, going faster as my body becomes the guide. Faster and faster..and there is a moment when I tap my pocket…and my phone is gone. SHIT. I am in the midst of forest with no real path. I’ve been walking, leaping, zig zagging for 20 minutes…it could be in so many places. I take a moment to breath and then am guided to head back to the Hosteria. So I do.

Little do I know.

On the way home from the hike I notice my thinking is that I will be in trouble, I need to lie about my wild ways and where I was hiking, that my body guided me there. I feel my mind coming up with stories to keep me safe from the disapproval of the cousins.

I head upstairs to my room to on my computer to use the “locate your iPhone’.

My iPhone is located in the middle of the lake.

The island I am on is not even showing up on the map.

Shit.

I go downstairs. I tell the cousins the truth and there is no disapproval. There is only an offering of support. One offers me her iPhone so I can get the apple care support #, another uses his iPhone to get the iPhone app and see that we can check in and indeed it is still in the middle of the lake, another dances with me as I am on hold with Apple after the offering of the landline. And another, well he is the one who has to drive me there, meaning this will take up hours of his day, on his day off.

Apple, who tells me there are no ways and I remain positive and ask some questions..oh well yes you can track it on your computer, oh yes you can open up someone else’s app and use it to find your iPhone..SUCCESS!! We can drive, use another iPhone and press the emit sound button to track it!!! I decide to make this a grand adventure- how can this finding my iPhone be pleasurable? We need beer, an apple, some nuts, we need some music, some sense of grace, and of course an iPhone that I can search with and we head out in the jeep for this adventure. The universe provides me with a very kind, gentle, sturdy man. He speaks of nature and quiet and how things happen to teach us things. And I love being in this jeep, driving this terrain with this lovely man who also feels such a connection to a nature. As I have showed up in my truth about my love of nature, he has shared his. And I realize the more I show up in my truth, the universe brings me those who do to.

I am humbled by all I am receiving, humbled by this experience that brings me more love.

And so i trust the iPhone will be found with ease and grace.

The drive out is beautiful. Sun shining and we enjoy the quiet beauty of it all. He sips his Mate while I head down into the jungle terrain to find my phone. The iPhone app is not working, there is no sound emitting. I release letting that go as a means to find this phone and ask the wooden spirits, every Patagonian fairy there is to help me out. To help me find my phone. It takes me about 25 minutes to get to the shoreline near where I climbed up. I do my best to enjoy being in this beautiful place but am admittedly distracted as the sun starts setting and no phone is found. I make my way back. Nothing.

And I’m disappointed to somehow feel this is a loss greater than the phone. This means I am not connected to energy, that there is no magic, this is proof somehow. And he reminds me that perhaps there is another way to look at this. I get somber for a bit and it is not because of my phone it is because I am trying to find someway to say thank you. To say thank you for your sturdiness and your presence these last few days. Thank you for so unknowingly, just by your presence, bringing so much to my life. And these words haltingly, awkwardly come out of me for my appreciation of him, of all that he has gifted and shown me in a few days…in a few days he has expanded my sense of self. And so I turn to him and say’ You are sturdy, you are steady…what is another word, solid and I need that. I needed that presence in this journey. Thank you.” Not perfect, but at least the words were said. And I realize they need to be said more often, to more people.

Thank you for your presence in the perfect moment on my journey. Thank you.

I am grateful. Each of these people, by sharing their essence brought magic and a gift to my life in the exact moment I needed it. A moment of sisterhood, of hugs, of play, of frisbee throwing, of dancing, of conversation, of a shared meal. Each one of them is different energetically and I realize that is the beauty of family, friends. They bring different energies to you that are so vital. So within this family I have found one of the youngest to bring his flair for drama and acting that I love to engage with, another her free spirit, another his quiet heart and care, another his joy and openness, another her strength and hugs. Each of these people is opening me up to more parts of myself, resonance with more parts of me. And I believe this is what life is, to open ourselves up to more of who we are and after years of isolating I am discovering the joy in opening up, of allowing more in, of receiving more.

And it’s in this moment that I arrive at the hosteria, bringing the empty beer bottle to the bar, not even thinking about the iPhone and the American guest is peppering me with questions about my service provider and did iIback up and I ask her to stop because I am not even thinking about that.

It’s like I can’t even move because my body is saying just stay here. And one of the cousins shows up and I realize my emotions are that of gratitude. Gratitude that these people care, that they are mobilizing and offering horses, and trackers, and support. They are not angry at me, they are not telling me how foolish I was or scolding me for hiking out of bounds, they are pitching in to help me. One by one in perfect timing they show up with exactly what I need.

One by one they help my heart heal.

I have dinner, they bring me my favorite comfort food pappardelle and a kebab with the most amazing lentils ever. My glass has some pinot noir. Later chocolate and almond ice cream arrives. And I sit here on this sofa in a place that feels like home, a place I forget is Argentina, is so far from home, because this care, this care of the cousins has brought me into my heart in a such a special way. This in a very real way is home.

And so yes, I have some scratches on my legs, I have no iPhone in this moment..and yet none of that matters because I have experienced such a sense of love around this. I have been helped, driven, hugged. I have seen the sun through the trees on this magical island that so many never get to. I have eaten delicious food, I’ve been brave with my words.

My heart and body had a day of epic adventure.

I am humbled to receive such love, such care and I realize this is the adventure of the heart and body, sometimes there are Andean summits and sometimes there are lost iPhones at low altitude. This is the adventure of living, of giving and receiving, of being firmly planted between my pleasure, my body and my heart guiding the way. It is a day of unimaginable beauty, adventure, new experiences, wild, play and love.

I am so grateful for this day.

There was no tragedy. Only love, only love that comes from this, this thing of an iPhone lost in the woods, that feels like the creation of a new lifeline.

That of love.

My body versus my mind

After I wrote this post, I went for a walk. Part of me was raring to go and my body asked me to slow down, to lay on this beach for a time, to just be. To let my body have some time to rest, this body that has held so much in. This body that wanted to lay and feel the sun on it for awhile. My mind is having a hard time calming down. It wants to know what is next, it wants to go.

I lay on the beach. In the sun, in the shade. I slowly make my way up the hill. My body asking me to go so ever slowly…my brain chasing the wind. My body just needs some time. Some time to integrate this shift, to move this energy through. It needs to allow nature to heal it and support it without my brain trying to understand everything.

And then I feel the energy pick up, I feel my bodies desire to move. I tune into my bodies guidance and follow the energy to a path on the right..it takes me into the wild of this island. No real path- more deer and wild boar tracks than anything. For 25 minutes I use my body to navigate my way through this terrain, sensing that each step is re-establishing some connection to my wise body. Re-creating trust. And I feel some panic creep in at moments, that lovely ego that wants me to be afraid. WILD BOAR! You’ll get LOST! (it’s an island and i have my phone). I breathe through this fear and keep tuning into my bodies guidance, down to the water and then looping back up..to a very lovely wide trail. And I take this trail and as I walk I let my younger self (see yesterday’s post) just talk and talk…about every fear she has about this man, about men…she is funny, irreverent, doing her best, she is scared, uncertain, (meaning I am) and she just lets it rip..moving all that energy through. God bless her. Goddess bless me.

And I emerge from the woods to see my new friends playing frisbee. I enjoy some chocolate fig cake- pursula fittchi and then a group of us go a hike to a lookout point. And as we get to the lookout place of this vast terrain where the Chilean and Argentinian mountains mingle with one another. Where we see the ash of the volcano. Where there is water of so many shades of blue and green it is breathtaking. Where I feel my shoulders relax, my body melt into pacha mama.

I feel it.

This incomparable connection to self, to nature. This sense that I am in a place of great magic, of great power and wisdom. That these lakes, trees and mountains are the purest form of love. That they are sacred. Just as I am. Just as you are. I feel humbled to be in the place. To be in Argentina looking at mountains in Chile. To feel a sense of communion that calms my entire soul and body. To feel connected to this sacred part of me that is so powerful. To have such clarity, such knowing, to feel so soft. so tender, so whole and so open. She encourages me to write. I pray to be a conduit for this wisdom, for this wisdom to move through me in the highest form of integrity. For this wisdom to be part of how I walk the world. For this knowing and groundedness to be with me wherever I go. I know this is

all i know is that I am connected to this land. something brought me here. A knowing, a trust, that I feel as i sink into

And then I walk with a woman who is so similar to me in so many ways. Such a beautiful free spirit, in a moment of individuation, of excavating cultural and family beliefs versus her own wild, her own values. We speak of fathers and daughters, of wanting them to change and, ironically being angry that they are wanting us to change, we speak of love, of learning what it is and how it feels to us. We speak of the power of touch and gentleness. She listens as I process about learning to ask for what I want in a world that I don’t know how to navigate. That all these unconscious agreements confuse me. At Burning Man I feel a shared commitment to communication, to honesty, to asking for hugs, for tenderness. I get how it works there. Out here. Shit. Out here, I feel lost. So I am learning, learning to communicate, learning to ask for what I want. Learning that I can have Burning Man anywhere in my life. On that platform looking out at nature I feel so solid, so grounded, so knowing.

And as I go into the lodge I know I need to ask for what I want. For one of the men there to massage my shoulder which is so sore and tight from a fall earlier in the day (the universes way of getting me back in my body and it worked perfectly). This is what I needed. Asking for some help, from a man. Learning I get to receive tenderness, from a man. Learning, Practice. Universe Providing.

Thank you.

The wisdom of Yogi tea

There are these moments that stop you. That make you wonder- how can I be so competent and confident in other parts of life and how can i not just ask a man for a hug? What about that seems so foreign? How can I not just sit on a couch and enjoy this connection, this touching of shoulders and hips? How have I gone so long without this? What part of me thinks this is not possible? Or that I have to WORK VERY HARD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Yesterday I made myself a cup of Yogi tea and the tag on the bag said “let them come to you” I knew exactly what this was about. Stop. Allow. Sit. I bundled up in my comfy clothes and sat by the fire and drank tea, watched ‘Inside Out’ moved through so many emotions. And then I didn’t trust. I didn’t believe that this goodness, this sweetness could simply come to me, especially in the form of a man. I didn’t know I could just ask for the hug I needed. I didn’t know this tone of energy with a man outside of Burning Man. Of spending time just sharing photos, telling stories, sitting next to one another. That this would be so damn nourishing to my soul and body. I haven’t had much of this the past 9 years..actually I’m not sure I’ve experienced that at all. I didn’t date in high school or college, I married my first boyfriend and have been single for the past 9 years. There have been some fun make-outs but no just sitting together in front of a fire on a comfy couch and being. And it felt delicious. And it wasn’t about sex. It was about feeling held in a soft way, in a gentle way that I needed in that moment. And then I didn’t know how to ask for what I really wanted. Can we sit here longer? Can you give me a long hug and then we say goodnight? Or can we snuggle for awhile? Can you help nourish me? And I adorably freaked out and said weird things and felt awkward and then went upstairs alone…My brain thinking and thinking and thinking. I slept for about 30 minutes and at 2am I came back downstairs, got some tea and sat on that comfy couch for a few hours and wrote.

And this morning, I woke up so slowly, so incredibly slowly- this ‘teenager’ part of me wanting to bolt out and say goodbye to friends I’d met, to be part of that energy and a much wiser part of me kept me in bed, where I drifted in and out of sleep. Where I sunk into my pillow for awhile and softened around all of this. And then I tuned in to this teenager energy, this girl/young woman who always thinks she has to be in movement to receive. To be seen. To be loved. The girl who was ASB President, Valedictorian, Candy Striper, Journalist, Band Member, overly involved in clubs. The girl who only stopped when she got sick for a week or two. The girl who really wanted a boy to ask her to prom. To hold her hand. To kiss. The girl who had a day planner since she was 10. The girl who knew how to do and very little about how to be. And sometimes she still runs the show. When she gets scared, when there is something she wants so desperately, she can run the other way when it is coming to her, because she doesn’t believe it can come to her easily, doesn’t believe it will stay, be sustained. The girl who is so empathic she picks up everyone’s energy and emotions and tries to solve it and heal it for them. Even at her expense. She watches soap operas and enjoys tubs of ice cream in her closet late at night.

This teenager who believes anything having to do with men and intimacy means it has to include intercourse or sex, so she has shied away from it. Not believing you can have men as dear friends, or enjoy making out, hand holding. Not believing they would stop. Not believing, they too might be starving for a cuddle, for a long hug. That she can be the one to ask and create something better for the both of you. So not believing that.

And as I continue to tune into this energy. I hear her talking to me. This girl from so long ago and so near. Who tells me her secret. She is tired. She is confused. She wants to lay down on the grass and feel the sun. She wants to have a boy hold her hand and feel safe. She wants to have her forehead kissed. She wants to know how to do this, to experience it. She cries with the weight of all this. Of all the pretense of knowing what she was doing. Of feeling she always had to be moving. So instead of being angry at her as I have been on and off. I welcome her in to my heart. I feel her pain, her confusion, her yearning. I feel her exhaustion. I feel her sadness and grief. And I let her cry it out and tell me everything. Tell me more. Tell me everything you have felt and thought. I am here. i am not pushing you away. I want to know everything about you. And she does.

And then I go outside so we can lay on the grass. I put on some music and we dance through this. Coming back to our wise body. Moving this old energy through what has been trapped in some part of my body. Needing unconditional love to alchemize it. As always I let the universe choose my play list and every song is perfect. They are about romance, love, surrender, about magic, I start with Damien Rice’s Delicate. “With the words you've borrowed. From the only place you've know.”

There are no more tears: the energy is now of possibility, of delight, new tones to play with, new ideas to believe in. Earned It, Crazy in Love, The Story…

I lay on the grass listening to Give Us Love by Ed Sheeran enjoying the clouds, the birds, the wind. I let this part of me be. We don’t need to leap up and go on the next thing. There is no rush. There is no fear we will miss out. The universe is far too kind for that. We are loved, which means we don’t have to work at being love.

“let them come to you”

Let love come to you with so much ease. Let the music move you, the old energy move through you and welcome in more love that we ever imagined.

And it is not about making this man understand all of this, this lovely man who has held space for me to be 13, 18, 26, 36…he is a gift for me to grow with. A beautiful gift that I am so grateful for. Because I get to receive too. Love gets to come to me in all different forms. The perfect song. A fresh avocado. A hug. Snuggling on the sofa. Laying in the sun. All of this is love. Which my teenager is now understanding. All these shades and tones of love. All of this richness, this possibility that is so much more vast than she or I ever imagined. So here I am. Doing my best to allow the love to come to me, with ease and grace.

Thank you universe, thank you yogi teas, thank you body for holding all of this, thank you body for helping me alchemize it, thank you for helping me heal and grow and believe more and more in gentleness and love.

thank you thank you.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I woke up this morning understanding that it is in every moment I create my life. That I can choose to express, embrace my wild. That it is in these small moments of choosing to dance, to hug, to caress an arm when my body wants to reach out, when savoring a bite of pan dulce, when I take time to stretch and get in my body in the morning rather than rush, that I am truly creating my life. Moment by moment. Choice by choice.

Power. Creation. Possibility.

Am I brave enough to do what my body and heart guides me to?
Am I trusting enough to know that this is my very purpose?

To have this instinct, this guidance and to act on it.

That this is how my contribution looks in bringing more love and communion and harmony in the world. 
Creating more wild, more play, more love everyday regardless of where I am. 
Can I surrender to the divine and trust so completely? 
Can I believe my body is the very expression of the divine within me?

It's a work in progress but what I am understanding is that every time I don't, I not only create mistrust, more doubt within my system

I am not creating the very thing I am here to create, for myself and others.

I, and we, miss out on magic, romance, play, sex. I miss out on creating more joy in the world when I hesitate and adapt to what I was told or saw was 'correct.' I am so tired of this. Of hesitation. Of doubt. Of disapproval. Because when I DO reach out and caress, when I do tell a group of men wearing tuxedo's they are women's porn I see them all delight in this and one comes over and asks me to make out. Because when I dance on the mountaintop, savor chocolate, go skinny dipping, love my body, my wrinkles I am creating more love for myself and others. Oh, and it's fun. It's communion. It's enjoying what is here in front of me and alchemizing it into something even better.

There are still moments of hesitation. Moments when I don't go out on the balcony and say "Italian man help me out with my luggage" and then kiss him when he walks in the room. When I judge how much pan dulce I ate for new years, or didn't tell someone they have beautiful eyes, when I don't go to the Scottish Highlands to embrace my wild. I am lowering my vibe and others. I'm keeping myself separate from the divine and others. I'm contributing to judgment, separation.

And that is so not what I want or am here to do. I'm here to live with my wild heart and my wild body guiding the way. And to have my awesome brain back it up. not vice versa.

So this year, I desire to let my wild guide me, to trust it so completely, to delight in it, to roll around with it with such ease. to be proud of it, to create with it, and to see what I create in the world. Whether it's my burning man kissing booth moved to a balcony in Bariloche, Argentina. Whether it's dancing on a rock on New Years, hugging strangers, offering chocolate to subway workers, I desire to trust that it is these very small moments I am guided to that make up a life of love, of my truth. That this is my role in this grand orchestra of folks bringing more love to the world.

May this be a year where we all trust our wild more, where we release domestication and adaptation and show up in the world only in the way that we can: it could be as a parent, an employee, a boss, a scientist, driving a car, buying groceries. Every moment is a moment to create more truth and love. May we show up with our emotions on our sleeves, our hearts guiding the way- in harmony with our awesome brains, trusting our bodies guidance on where to go, what to eat, who to spend time with. Regardless of where we are in the world or what our day to day looks like, I believe its living our wild truth that creates more love and I really believe we could use so much more wild love in the world.

May your year be full of all that you desire: to experience and create. Wishing you so much love, sending you a giant hip circle of love from atop a rocking in Patagonia.