All of me

I'm challenged by how to bring all these pieces of me to one place. I have Love Caper pages/groups/website, I have a Reclaim your Wild secret group so woman can share more in a safe place and the RYW website and me here on Facebook and kimshirley.com. Whew. Throw in the occasional instragram photo and several unused Twitter accounts it all feels a bit fragmented. Not to mention the FB groups I belong to. I desire to show up as me in one place and share all of it. In human form and in my sharing. The wild, the love, the photos, the dark, the light. I desire to talk about turn-on, emotions, reclamation, joyful love, silly moments. I desire some clarity, words to flow with power, confidence and to trust these words, this journey is of service. That they will be read by those who need them and in writing them they help me become more centered, focused and grounded in my being.

Here's to change.

Here's to loving NYC and feeling so blessed to being in this city that turns me on, light me up and feels like endless opportunities for magic. And there is magic available every where, I so get that. i am just in need of this particular brand of magic right now. Grateful. Excited. Doing my best to surrender. To create the love I desire. The romance, passion. To follow up with the man in the elevator who felt like a kindred spirit. To say yes to more and more of the abundance that is here for me. To release attachment to what that looks like and focus on the feeling. and to 100% own that I desire it involve men and then to release that too. These are the musings of a woman in delightful transition. In creation mode. With an openness to be in tropical paradise with my man for the new year. Or hiking Machu Picchu, making our way to Patagonia. Here is to the belief that that or something even better is coming my way as I own my true appetite for life, for adventure, for embodied living.

Here's to thriving. Here's to letting go. Here's to the mystery of it all. Here's to gluten free peanut butter fudge cupcakes, high heels that make me feel like a goddess and were so fun to try on, for literal signs of love, worth, of magic, of alchemy and mysticism, for the moon, for NYC libraries that feel like an old castle, for street performers, for St Patricks Church, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, pillows that make me swoon, witchy bottles...Here's to everyday magic.

Love Capering the world

Everyday I ask to be of service, to do Love Capers as I am out in the world.

Today I was out and about walking and saw a woman who was throwing up on the sidewalk. My first thought was she was sick from a long night of partying. And I walked on by along with others. And then I stopped. I checked in with my body and got a yes to go over and help. I gently approached this woman and asked if she needed any help. She told me she was pregnant and sick all the time and how hard it was. I didn't even had a tissue to offer her, I just rubbed her back as she talked. Within a few moments her husband returned with tissues. I was able to point them in the direction of a coffee shop so she could get some water. I would hope that were I ever on a street corner and ill, someone would come over and offer help. Some compassion. And then tonight I found myself in my hotel room with a small case of food poisoning and a friend texted me "How can I help you?" And another friend called because she got a hit that I needed something.

And my heart melted.

Because this really is what it is about. Seeing one another. Loving one another. Taking care of one another. Pausing from what is going on in our world to be in someone else's for awhile. From holding the door open at the library for a woman with a stroller and a toddler. To taking the chocolates from my hotel and giving them out to people. To offering a smile and thanks at a sax player in Washington Park. Asking a clerk how she was doing with great sincerity and offering her the space to show up in her truth that she was tired and not feeling great. Thanking the man setting up holiday decorations at my hotel for creating beauty that I get to appreciate every day. Writing a thank you letter to the kitchen crew for a great thanksgiving meal. Posting thank you's on FB pages of businesses that bring me joy. It's these small acts that spread joyful love in the world.

If what we focus on expands, then let's focus on loving each other. On appreciating each other. On seeing each other. On creating more love and communion. Tis the season...

Sometimes you're guided...

Sometimes you are guided to not make any plans for Thanksgiving and you have to surrender and trust even though there is part of you that deeply wants to be around a table with your man, your community and has wanted that for years. Instead you say a prayer to give and receive. To feel some magic, communion, to experience beauty, joy, wild, play, and love. To be of service. So you wake up mid-morning and make your way to the Macy's day parade and take in some of the floats, the energy of it all. The delight and the joy. Then on to Starbucks for a snack of steamed coconut milk and since this Starbucks just opened the barista can't break the $100 of the woman in front of you. And you sense her frustration so you offer to pay. And she say's no. She say's no about 5 times until you convince her to receive the gift. And as she picks up her drinks you chat for a bit and share the journey you're on. And she brings over her mother who is visiting from Russia and her baby daughter to meet you. And her mother speaks Russian and she translates to say "thank you so much and may you have many many blessings on your travels" there are hugs and goodbyes. And this feels so rich and so delicious. And you walk for awhile, never having experienced a Thanksgiving in a city that is so busy on this day. You are guided to one of your favorite places, Bryant Park which has been transformed into a winter wonderland including an ice skating rink, holiday shops, apple cider and funnel cakes with nutella. You meet people from Tibet, the UK, NYC, China, and hear so many languages around you. You go to a store called French Mermaid and meet the owner and talk about hair, mermaids and the goodness and comfort of Barefoot Dreams blankets. You visit the (red) tent and learn about the babies being born to HIV mothers, that are HIV free because of new drugs. You continue to walk, letting your body guide you. Desiring to do more love capers.

And you notice a Walgreens caddy corner and think oh i must be seeing this so I can go buy some candles. But your body says 'no take a left.' And you notice an older woman asking for directions to the eye hospital and some locals are trying to help her but all she can remember is that she used to take the train down from the Bronx and got off near a museum that was near Penn Station that was near the hospital. So you use your phone and search eye hospital and can't find the one she is needing. You ask if she has any address or anything written down. She pulls out an empty box that has a prescription attached to it and while it has no info about her dr./hospital you see its from Walgreens and you remember the Walgreens that is still caddy corner from you and this lovely 90 year old woman is grateful and tells you, you must not be from new york and she makes her way to Walgreens as blessings are exchanged.

You make your way for a bit and then tears start flowing. And you realize that this is the life you've been called to live. This is the gift. This is your purpose. To trust your body to guide to you so you can give and receive love. And this young part of you that has been so exhausted for so many years, has this moment of surrender, of understanding that all is well. There is no need to fear, or fight. This is your life. This is your work. This is how easy and magical it can be. And there is no need to prove. Or make others understand. And this young part of you melts and these tears help alchemize the armor and let the emotions move so you can simply be. And this feels like the most incredible miracle. This deep sense of peace of understanding. Of acknowledgment. Of truth.

And you continue to walk and suddenly you are in front of your favorite store. ABC Carpet and Home. Which is simply one of your happy places. A store that curates love, social justice, beauty, community and so much more. and you are taking in the beauty of the windows since the store is closed and then you realize: these windows have been curated by a witch. There are tarot cards, and fairies, and purple potion bottles. And the moon and the sun. And forest animals. Book on alchemy and mysticism, Burma, Eco Sanctuaries. And it hits you. All of these things, these parts of yourself that you have been hiding - so afraid of another round of witch trials, of being stoned in the town square for your innate essence. These pieces are here, on display at ABC Carpet and Home. It is safe. Come home. Claim them. Own them. And this is the magic of my Thanksgiving. Gratitude for my essence. For my love. For the witchiness of my body. For my intuition My turn-on. For being a healer. The very things that women were killed for over the years. The Salem Witch trials. The inquisition. The Courtesans. The Healers. Millions of women killed for being in their essence. In their truth. And this fear has permeated part of your life, unknown for so long. And here is this window, beckoning you with it's beauty and you desire to meet the people who created it to say 'thank you.'

you make your way back to your hotel and head to the beautiful sitting area where a woman you met earlier in the week is there with her cousin. And her sister works at the hotel. And so you gather, and share dishes, and bring out the bottle of pinot noir you bought. And there is turkey, stuffing, cranberries and ham, brussel sprouts and the most off the charts delicious apple cobbler you've ever had. There are conversations of love, of tattoos, of those who've passed. There are tears, laughter, stories shared. There is irreverence, toasts. There are fluffy doughnuts filled with pumpkin cheesecake. The sister knows the woman who created the ABC Carpet and Home display so you get her name to send thanks. And then there is a dance party. A dance party where you get to dance and be wild and move your body amongst beauty, with a harmonica player who played with Stevie Wonder the night before who has the most beautiful soul. And when you get back to your room and see that it is 3am, you are shocked, delighted and grateful for the day was full of all you desired but in ways you could have never created without the guidance of the divine. And it is this dance of surrender, of faith, of coming back to our bodies, our wild hearts, our wise souls that feels like the greatest Thanks of all.

Those places within that you learned to hide

Sometimes you've learned to hide those tender soft places inside of you. The ones yearning to have space in your body, in your emotions, in your life. The ones yearning for long hugs, for having your head and feet and heart massaged. You learned that forcing is the way to create. You learned that to do lists, waking up and starting to go was the way things were done. You had a day planner, a desk and files when you were in the 5th grade. You hid a lot of your tenderness with gregariousness, humor, helping other people. You hid your tears in ice cream, gum drops and entemann's cookies (hey they were fat free). You hid your desires by helping others reach theirs. Instead of saying ouch, you laughed it off and just added another mask to your interactions and relationships. You didn't ask to be hugged, you didn't ask for flowers on your birthday, you didn't ask for cards of love, you didn't ask for a book, a Robin Layton art piece, or cashmere wrap, or the things your soul really longed for. You learned to give these things to yourself. Which was life changing and empowering and brought more focus, truth and joy to your life.

But you cut others off from giving to you. You still didn't ask for a helping hand, a hug as often as you needed. You still didn't share your tears or the power of your softness. And you would have these experiences where you felt that power but then you would push it away, protecting yourself again. Believing you had to be joyfully loud to be loved. Believing you couldn't rock the boat and be loved. Believing your emotions were hindrances, annoyances to those around you rather than the precious gifts they were to all. You believed your journey back to your body and soul was weak and shameful rather than proud and necessary. You believed your tender places, your deepest desires weren't worthy. And slowly bit by bit you changed all of this, you did your best, they did their best. And you started asking and receiving. You started living in those tender places, You started delighting in their wisdom, in the peace found in stillness and quiet. You started showing up more fully as you, more vulnerable, more true, more quietly powerful in your presence. You still have masks, they are still alchemizing you are still hesitant at times to believe that men love these tender places, love your quiet knowing, your sensual power.

And yet you still hear the voice, 'Please be gentle. Please give this piece the honoring it deserves. Please show this tenderness, please allow it to be held. Please allow others to show theirs.' For there is deep communion in these moments that go below the masks. A communion many of us are starving for.

And sometimes you go over to a friends apartment for a catch up and all of this is what is talked about and in the midst of the talking, silence emerges, you hold her hand and there are hugs. No words. You move behind her so she knows you have her back. She is not alone in this. You rub her lower back as her tears fall. You caress her hair, her neck and you feel her body start to melt. Allowing all that is being so unnecessarily held to release. And in this our hearts open more towards one another. In this we find support and the sense of loneliness fades away. And you receive her words of love, her words of appreciation.

And then you go back to your hotel room and you sob for your man, for that feeling of being so soft and intimate and loved. The yearning so deep for so long. And then you get into your body. You dance, you go downstairs and write and buy yourself a beautiful meal and then you make your way to Brooklyn for a Qoya class with a dear friend. And you pull the goddess card Kali. Release the old to welcome in the new. And you set the intention for your dance to release the old and as you start with a heart pose the tears start falling. Your body and heart so grateful to be in a place of softness. To be in a place that welcomes, cultivates and nourishes this very thing. And you receive hugs and conversations with a fellow dancer about Asheville, Maine, California and looking for home. You share with these women where you feel stuck and what you can do to be unstick and you dance it and you move something.

And then you go back to your hotel and light some candles, put lavender epsom salts in your bath and just be. Allowing the softness and tenderness to wash over you. Allowing your body to melt. Your heart to soften. Your mind to relax. You don't care that you didn't eat dinner because this feeling is so long awaited after pushing and pulling and forcing. You curl up in a white robe and fall into a slumber praying for this softness to stay to truly welcome in the quiet, the stillness, the allowing, the surrender. To welcome in sinking into the most plush couch and having a delicious meal brought to you. To welcome in having your feet rubbed, having your tears kissed, having your heart held.

The magic of NYC

Sometimes you chop off 6 inches of hair and freak out for a bit. You realize how much of your sensuality and your femininity and witchiness and mermaidness you've attached to your red curly locks. And then you stop freaking out and you fall in love with it. You feel a truer, deeper sensuality emerge. You start your time in NYC with a gratitude party and you buy yourself some new talismans for this new chapter. And then a friend walks in and we talk highlights. And then two days later, adorned in your talismans, you get some blonde highlights added and talk about showing up in the world with your true depth and richness. You talk about putting on tinder that you are looking for your man. you are looking to travel the world with him in service and love. you start seeing how you can play the game or play your game. And how your game is so much richer and deeper than the one being laid out for you.

And the next night, with your new highlights you are walking along the pier and see a sign for Burlesquerade and end up on a hornblower yacht cruise with hundreds of people dressed to the nines in burlesque and burning man costumes..and there you are in your black jeans, gray shirt, new talismans and luckily a Marlies Dekker bra that is off the charts hot. And you dance and dance. And you meet a man who is also not in costume and explore the ship and step over the off bounds chains and end up with epic views of the NYC skyline. Then you part ways as the music calls you in another direction (although he later stops by with a vodka/oj), and you are welcomed, hugged and people are delighted that you just joined in, which is the very essence of burning man. You also say your name is Vivienne...just for fun.

And so you dance for hours and then you need some air so you step outside and you hear the words "do you like ceremony?" and even though they weren't directed at you you say "YES! I'm a witch. I love ceremony/" and so you are gifted a token that represents Change (which feels beyond perfect) and you are asked three questions. What do you most desire? what is getting in the way? and what is one thing you can do to take a step towards this desire? and you quietly come up with your answers that feel like the most powerful elixir for your soul.

Then you start talking with the woman next to you who starts speaking of Beltane ceremonies in Atlanta, and a spoken word poem she just wrote about her yoni. And you feel like, this woman who is 15 years younger than you is speaking your language and you are speaking hers and it is the very thing you have most yearned for. Finding the people in this world who speak your language. Who you can share your witchy self with and they share theirs. And then vodka/oj man shows up now with silver glitter all over his face and you hug and say goodbye. And there is this magic and alchemy happening that is so powerful you freak out. Your brain gets glitchy with the goodness of it and instead of heading back to your hotel you walk the Highline, you head to the standard hotel and have a good cry in the bathroom stall, trying to understand all this newness and change and then you sit in the swanky lobby and put on some tunes and laugh with people, You get a cab home and your beautiful hotel restaurant that you had so desired feels so full and noisy that you head up to bed, eat a few bites of kale chips and fall into a sleep of intense dreams wondering what tomorrow will bring, will your brain be able to welcome in this newness, this goodness, all that universe is bringing you. Can you receive all that love? Can you surrender so completely that you can receive it with ease and grace?