My wild wants out

Yesterday I dropped off 12 boxes of 'Stuff': mixing bowls, measuring cups, art supplies, towels, glass food storage containers, bedding, vases...so many little things that make up a home. I felt such relief at getting rid of this 'stuff'
and then a few hours later i felt this wave of deep emotion move through me.

All of this stuff, it was love. Some of it was long ago wedding presents I realized to my shock. Someone who took the time and money to help J and I create a home together. Measuring cups. And those measuring cups lived in Santa Cruz, Watsonville and Seattle. They were used by us, by my tenants, and then by me. I used them to make thanksgiving pies for our families, our friends and then years later, post divorce on a rainy thanksgiving in Seattle I spent a beautiful day alone and stayed up until 3am baking. Using these measuring cups, using this love. Using resources from Mother Earth to feel loved and to create love.

So yesterday, it wasn't just stuff dropped off. It was a big part of my history, of love, it was these parts of myself that had tried SO SO hard to be a wife, to want children, to have a beautifully decorated home on Queen Anne, to want to stay in one place and thrive. To want to be a CEO, have a business card with a title that people respected. It was this part of me that had tried to be loved, believing this is who I had to be, to be loved. It was this part of me that adapted to believing this is what it took to be loved.

When it isn't.

My wild wants out. It wants to not have so much stuff right now, it doesn't want to be a wife in the way that was laid out to me, it never wanted babies and felt such intense shame around that. What kind of woman am i, if I don't want children? Who am I if I don't want all these things around me that declare, this is who I am.

What if in my rawness there is more to me than being surrounded by all these old ideals of who I had to be to be loved?

And so yesterday when I dropped off those things, I was also releasing myself from those values, from that agreement I had made so long ago to adapt, to domesticate, to tamp down my wild, to deny it, to shove it aside, to make it wrong. It was a huge moment of reclamation. The physical declaration of a commitment to myself to live my truth. For me. Here are these things that no longer serve my highest good. That are no longer my truth, perhaps they never were. Thank you for them. Thank you and now I trust they will go to a good home and be loved. And I trust I am being ever so gently held as I continue to come back home to my beautiful, sacred self.

Change of plans

Sometimes you have a day planned that includes running errands, getting a ton of packing and releasing done, seeing friends, having an open house for neighbors to say goodbye- to share the spices, the olive oil, the lightbulbs that will not be needed and then to get back to packing after they all leave.

And sometimes you wake up heavy with emotion and need to dance and cry and eat a lentil salad while doing slow hip circles with your bare feet on the grass as bees buzz around you. And sometimes the people who you didn't think needed anything are so excited about a muffin tin, a bundt pan, planters, paintbrushes and a $500,000,000 bill from Zimbabwe and a plant they gave you six years ago that is thriving that you now give back as theirs has died.

Sometimes, a tree falls and the power goes out so no one shows up to your open house except the perfect 5 people who love the sumi ink set from china, your seashells, your plants, your black indian ink, your woolen yarn and knitting needles, the couch that has supported you from hell and back, your books, your crockpot, and your curtains.

And sometimes, someone who you've met a few times but don't really know that well who just moved to Seattle shows up with a bottle of pinot noir just when you need it and you light candles and talk for hours about the return to our bodies, the divine feminine, mother nature, sex, dancing, desires, Scotland, Seattle restaurants and to-dos, and you find yourself with a kindred spirit talking long into the continued darkness.

And sometimes, after you've hugged this soul sister goodbye, you head to your storage unit and grab your camping stove and propane and cook one of the final dinners in your apartment wearing a long black vintage slip and a...headlamp. Grateful for the Trader Joe's Punjab Choley Indian Fare, brown rice from the night before, and some spinach. And you eat this dinner on said couch, surrounded by candles, sipping pinot noir and feeling delighted, calm, grateful, humbled, giggly even at the perfection and grace in it all and after a day of feeling a bit removed from oneself, feeling more at home than ever and not even noticing the lights came back on long ago.

Do it your way. Have fun!

What an intense and beautiful few days it's been. From releasing so many of my possessions on Friday- to surrendering to the universe and getting dressed up and celebrating rather than keep packing on Saturday night, water time with Jeana, Therese, Tim and the triplets and views of Mt Rainier. Sisterhood time Sunday night for the full moon and more goodbye's, saying Goodbye and thank you to Discovery Park where I would go dance at the waterfront, surrounded by uprooted trees, eagles, reveling in sliding down those sand trails one last time and coming upon the largest tree all it's roots exposed - in surrender to mother nature which is exactly how I feel in this moment. A few art shots of my head scans from the concussion (notice the trees in the background- so fancy) Saying goodbye and thank you today to Lil Si. My yearning for Scotland so intense and conjuring a hike that felt like time spent in this ancient land along with lots of hilarity pretending I was Claire looking for the stones because dammit I just needed to LAUGH at it all. To reaching the summit of Si this afternoon, taking my shoes off, shaking my hair out and feeling wild and at peace after so much change. To this sense of who the fuck cares who I am and what I do, just do it Kim. You are only visiting this planet for a short time. Do it your way. Have fun. Be in this body and let this soul out! To walking back and seeing this heart shaped leaf, feeling the grace of the divine with me, the grace and love that has led me to this moment of releasing more. More that is not me so I can be here in my wild. In joy, in playfulness, in beauty, in deep laughter, sensuality, play, giggles, tears, sun on my face, feeling the wind, embodied, inhabiting this beautiful body I'm in so I can roam this earth and experience the magic, fire and love that is here for us.

How fear holds me back

This morning I was talking with a friend about fear and the things we have't done because of it. We are both creative folks- I talked about all the art projects I've started and haven't finished. The writings that sit in journals or on my computer. All unfinished/unpublished because of fear. Fear of being shunned, rejected, abandoned, excommunicated from the tribe. Deep Fear. Big Fear. A lot around emotions/self expression. She realized the first time she started a project and didn't finish it was in the 8th grade- 23 years ago. So she is committing to a 23 page art project to honor those years of unfinished projects, for her. Because why let fear win?

I realized the first time I remember clamping down my self expression was when I was 3 or so. When I started intuiting energy and emotions and changing mine to accommodate/manage. When I stayed silent when the abuse started. All the times my words and emotions stayed stuck in my body. So I am committing to 39 FB/blog posts that drip with truth. Human moments.

Like: When I was a teenager I wrote Kirk Cameron a letter telling him about how I was heavy, how alone I felt, how I was being bullied/abused and could he help me. Apparently I felt safe writing this letter to the guy from Growing Pains...but I didn't send it. I found it a few years ago and recycled it. Oh, if I still had it I could send it now. or share it now.

Like: how I had a subscription to Soap Opera Digest all through high school. And have watched General Hospital Liaison (the nick name of my favorite couple Liz and Jason) videos on Youtube as recently as this summer when I needed some romance!

So there is some truth- these things I had fear around in the moment or people knowing about me. Fear that if people knew this I would lose LOVE. Isn't that this holding back is really about? That I will be less loved if I show up in my messy human truth.

A dear friend sent this to me today:

I was going to die, sooner or later,
whether or not I had even spoken myself.

My silences had not protected me.
Your silences will not protect you….
What are the words you do not yet have?

What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day
and attempt to make your own,
until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?

We have been socialized to respect fear
more than our own need for language.
Next time, ask: What’s the worst that will happen?
Then push yourself a little further than you dare.

Once you start to speak, people will yell at you.
They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal.
And the world won’t end. And the speaking will get easier and easier.
And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision,
which you may never have realized you had.
And you will lose some friends and lovers,
and realize you don’t miss them.

And new ones will find you and cherish you.
And you will still flirt and paint your nails,
dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said,
“If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.”

And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty
that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth.
And that is not speaking.

~ Audre Lorde

So speak my friends, speak it, dance, own it, celebrate, cherish it and know you are LOVED.

Today's magic brought by the Universe

Today's magic brought to me by the universe: 

Last Saturday my friend Kathy stopped by to pick up my mattress for her guest bedroom. Just the mattress. Her boyfriend gave me a tip for a mechanic after Subaru said I would need to replace my tachometer cluster when my intuition told me it just needed a cleaning after burning man (which was correct!)
Monday I go to mechanic up on Phinney. I walk about 20 blocks to meet my friend Beth for a meet up so I can move my body, on the way i am thinking about today (when my friend is going to pick up a bunch of stuff) how to get this heavy walnut desk out, how to move all the boxes from my apt storage unit and how to get help/make it pleasurable. And I look down and there is a business card on the ground, I step over it, pause and pick it up. A handyman card who does furniture repair and garage clean outs. DONE. 

So Jack shows up today to help Shannon gather her goodies- turns out he's a pro mover. My friend stops by to pick up some remote controls I forgot to give her (and the thing was I could have dropped them off but when I checked in with my body, it said to have her come over) she comes over, talks with Jack- she needs to have some furniture repaired and his quote is much lower than others!

We deliver the heavy desk and other items to Goodwill, I head over to Jubilee Women's Center to drop off jewelry, shoes, clothes, toiletries for the amazing women there and get to meet one of the clients who hugs me, and we laugh and hug some more. (Seattle women friends- if you are doing clean outs of your closet Jubilee is a great place to donate your things!)
Then off to Karyn Schwartz at Sugarpill on Capitol Hill (please go there and support Karyn's magic, curation and beauty and buy some honey chipolte peanut butter!) where I ask if she will help me with a love caper. She agrees. So now she is handing out rose quartz crystals that I so didn't want sitting in storage, out to her customers. 

And now I am cozied up in my old living room which is temporarily serving as my bedroom/living room/writing area...feeling so calm and grounded after releasing so many more of my belongings. I have more to go. Tonight I am eating some soup, watching Maleficent and going to bed early. Thank you Universe! Thank you body for your genius intuition and thank you me for learning to listen and respect it more and more so life can be full of ease, grace, pleasure and magic. Some shots of the day....before and after..where the couch was is now my bed.