Keeping an open heart. It's our job. Here are some tips.

Our brilliant hearts are trying, so valiantly, so bravely, to lead us to a much more beautiful world. A world of connection, of kindness, of love capers. Of gentleness, of softness, of shared tears, shared joys. It's the moments when I've let all my armor down, all my rational thought go: sobbing after the loss of a beloved, witnessing the birth of a child, hearing the vows of dear friends, connecting to a long held grief or joy...it's in these moments I've felt most alive, most connected to everything and everyone in this world. And then the armor starts to go back up. The openness fades and the constriction begins anew. 

And I forget and I try to fit in and shove my beautiful brilliant heart to the side to survive, well not to survive but seemingly so. Believing this is how this world works. That the heart is not all that important or wise. That it is too tender, too mushy, too sensitive. That it creates frailty and weakness. That we live, choose and navigate by our brain. That logic is better. Rational. Linear. Sensical. 

I know this is not true and when I forget is when there is so much more pain for me. Decisions based from ego, from comparison, from fear of being rebuffed, rejected, abandoned. You know, primal survival stuff.

It's my job, our job, to keep our hearts open: to value it, nourish it, honor it. To rub it with rose oil, to watch a teary movie (last week it was “Finding Neverland”), to let it breathe and exhale as it needs. To give it oxygen, space, room to be alive and part of this world.  Because when we cut ourselves off from our hearts, we cut ourselves off from one another. And there is so much pain in that. I believe that is what so many of us are healing, our wild broken hearts. 

So today, be gentle, smell the flower, call up someone and tell them you love them, do a love caper, tune into your own heart and see what it needs to be open and vital. We need your beautiful heart in the world. 

Now more than ever. 

Because if there's one thing I'm pretty sure about- the world could use more, not less, love.

Some of the things I do to connect to my heart:

I'll put my hand on it and ask “what do you need?" and gently ever so gently rub my heart and see what emerges (tears, a request), read romance books/watch sweet movies, volunteer, bake cookies for neighbors, dance to "Let it Be," "Hallelujah," or "Crazy Love (on the ground, slow, slow, slow), watch the final 8 minutes of Lost, think of a beloved whose passed over, go for a walk and take in the beauty of Seattle's nature. What works for you?

May your weekend be full of open hearted living.

Keep offering your open wild heart to the world

Sometimes you offer your heart to the world

or someone in it

and it says 

no thank you, not that flavor, that texture

no

and that can hurt

and you can do it again, thinking...believing

well maybe I didn't use the right words, or 

have the right hair do

or be happy enough,

Let me try it this way.

No, no thank you.

Well, maybe I was too happy so I'll be more serious, more refined. That will work.

No, no.

And you learn, eventually, at some point maybe, and will forget and learn again. 

That your love is a sacred offering. The most beautiful gift you can give. And not all can receive.

And perhaps there is dissonance rather than resonance. It happens. Don't take it personally.

But do not close your heart. Please dear one, do not love less because of this.

Do not let your heart become calloused, tethered, wrapped in barbed wire.

Oh dear one, we need your love. So breathe. 

Practice Discernment.

Self-Respect. 

Open your wild heart wider to the world and let the wild love flow.

Please. Because your love is our oxygen. Our delight. Our beauty. 

So please wild hearted one...keep sharing.

Keep your wild heart open to a world that may feel closed to you.

What does the world know?

Let your open wild heart be your guide.

Keep your wild heart open to the world

Dancing towards magic and love

There's something really hard about letting go. It's like sugar. I know it's not the best thing for me, I'll go a few weeks without it then I'm right back in the dance with it. So today I just wanted you to know that I get the dance, I honor your dance. I honor the shifts we are trying to make, the truth we are doing our best to get back to, the hopes, the heartache, the unmet needs, the realization it will never be what you want, desire and yearn for and know is possible.

And, I get that in this muck there is SO much more. That when you turn around and you meet the witches, mermaids, unicorns, mystics, tribemates that have been tapping on your shoulder and wanting to play with you...that when you turn around and say yes, this world of magic and connection and truth opens up. Your heart softens towards all involved. There is gorgeous compassion, delicious forgiveness, long hugs. And not a word be spoken of it. There is a deep peace where there was unspeakable pain and conflict. 

So imagine me tapping on your shoulder, letting you know I am here to play. To create more wild and more love in the world. Look this way, come dance me. There is so much fun and magic to be had and the key is to dance with the people, the energies, the tribemates who get it. Who get you. Who celebrate you. This is the essence of reclaiming your wild. This dance back home, this dancing away from what you know, who you thought you had to be, to be loved. And to know you've been loved all along, in the perfect, divine essence you were created, in the exact way you were meant to dance on this earth.

You are the magic, the wild.

I see you. I love you. 

Can't be the golden girl and the black sheep...even though I really tried. Part One

I admit it. I like it when people like me. That is my co-dependency. I want people to like me, to approve of my choices, my life, me. And when you step off the path of conventional living, of external approval and shoulds, it creates upheaval, discomfort in your family, friends, work, world. It creates upheaval for yourself, because this addiction of being liked has to be healed, you have to do the steps, you have to learn to speak your truth, to make choices for yourself and no one else. Regardless of their disapproval and most painfully regardless of how much you want them to love you, see you and cheer you on. For they have known you a certain way as the good girl, the golden girl. You’ve been a certain way with them and life was smoother, known and suddenly you are divorcing your husband and traveling the world, and then coming back and trying to fit in and put on a good show (which they don’t know because you are completely hiding all the angst and change from them because you are keeping up with who they know…why make it uncomfortable for them?) So you stifle your truth, your new ways of looking at the world, new beliefs and values that are emerging- regardless of your age.  You stay the good girl, the good employee. Until the cracks begin to show: disease, disharmony, depression and are too painful or you get to a point where there has finally been so much transformation you blow, your body collapses on you as the myth creates more pain than living your truth. 

You start honoring yourself more and more because you realize that is what matters, you love you for you. The real you rather than the pretend you created to survive in your family, in your culture, your marriage…life. Maybe you get rid of tv, magazine subscriptions, stop shopping at chain stores, start dancing, start saying no, go vegan, go paleo, go wild. 

Bit by bit you come home which means leaving the home you were raised in. 

And that is painful, so painful. 

So along with the joy, delight and relief of coming home to yourself is discomfort, frustration, pain.

The light and the dark doing their dance.

There is resistance on all sides. Most of our programming is established by the time we are 6 to 7 years old.  So we resist the things we know are so good for us, we worry about losing love, and we know that as much we want to bring these people on this journey with us, we finally get, that it’s up to them to decide if they want to hop on this particular roller coaster, because maybe they are fine on the merry-go-round, or the tea cups, to each their own. But the pain of trying to get them to change to really SEE you, to UNDERSTAND you creates more pain, more lost time, more disappointment. Because you think they love like you do, unconditionally, huge, you think they see the world in the same way and want the same things and they don’t. They are different people, with their own life experiences and what they value may be completely different than what you value. And you have to value what you value. And they value what they value. It's really quite simple. And super painful. 

So let’s quit trying to change one another and enjoy the differences. 

I had to become proud of my divorce, of traveling the world, of trusting my intuition first and foremost, of dancing, of taking workshops, of all the seemingly crazy-ass, lazy, lost, exploring my essence, my divine feminine (I didn’t even know what that was 7 years ago!), reclaiming my wild heart and body…all these things that are emerging in our world, in our lives. It’s new. It’s the change. I mean there are videos of 64 year-old women pole dancing now. 13 year-olds create multi-million non-profits. Lady Gaga is singing Julie Andrews’ tunes. Times are a changing and I just need to live my truth. 

I can’t expect anyone to change for me. Because I don’t want to change for them (actually I did want to change to get them to love me, I’ve just learned that would be a crying shame because I’m pretty damn awesome the way I am).

There are so many choices I’ve made these past few years based on my intuition, I knew I was making the perfect choice for me. Except for one. I kept trying to get my family to hop on board this roller coaster with me. I kept trying to explain the value of the roller coaster, I kept trying to get them to love this roller coaster!  And when they didn’t get super excited about the roller coaster I took it so personally and it wasn’t. I wanted them to be my cheerleaders, I wanted them to say “We are so proud of you that you are following your heart, your truth, that you are brave enough to step on this wild roller coaster. We don’t get it but we are proud of you!” And they couldn’t. Until I could separate myself (I believe they call it individuation in psychology) until I could separate and trust I would still be loved by them in some form, and more importantly I would still be loved by me, and my tribe, my people. 

And I couldn't’ do that if was trying to be the black sheep and the golden girl all at once. And it is that crazy-ass dance, my resistance to my truth, to my wild ways, my little girl wanting a parade thrown in her honor by her family that caused me so much more pain. Because my awesome parents, they don’t throw parades for women who do one-way tickets, celebrate the solstice, talk with strangers about past lives and healing the divine feminine, who wear crystals to heal their chakras, or have reiki workers and shamans as their friends.  

It’s not who they are. 

It is who I am.

I’ve done them and me a disservice in asking them to change. So this is my letter to them, to you, to all of us. I’m sorry I didn’t speak, own and celebrate my truth sooner. I did the best I could. I speak it now because I finally feel safe in being me. I finally trust this is exactly who I meant to be and I am so damn happy about who I am, about my gifts, talents and way of living.  I did it when I finally felt safe that I would still be loved and safe in this world. And I’m sorry I asked you to be different when I was so angry and hurt at you for asking me to be different.

I forgive myself for trying so hard and staying so long, I forgive us all for disapproval and doubt. I forgive myself for wasted time and trying to be the golden girl when I am so the black sheep, when I am here for the new. I love us all. I love you all. 

here are you still dancing between the old and the new? Trying to be approved of and live your truth? Reclamation is not a smooth journey but it is one that is beyond powerful. It is what creates more love in the world and that is what this world needs. 

Why leaving dinner with friends is wild self care

Yesterday was a day full of holding of emotional wild hearted space for people, I was moving through some of my own things, I went to another restorative yoga class where the teacher said some things I so needed to hear. I was still digesting the day and yet was on my way to have dinner with friends. I got there and found myself being irritated by everything! The conversation, the menu, I could feel my feet buzzing. I went to the bathroom and shook my body, silent screamed, letting this energy move through me and started feeling more calm.

I  went back to the table and for a few minutes things were good, I chimed into the conversation, ordered a trout starter and thought "whew, moved through that." But after I few minutes I noticed my body was tense, it was turned off, it was not where it wanted to be. I felt it, so after trying to make it work, after noticing my eating felt forced and frenetic rather than calm and joyful I excused myself and left.

Holy Mother of all that is fabulous about trusting and honoring my body! My shoulders immediately relaxed, my energy shifted, the heaviness was there but the forcing was gone. My body was leading me exactly where I needed to go, and I am learning to listen! Celebration!

I came home and took a long epsom salt bath, had a juicy cry and felt so much better. I did some writing, and felt so much better. I listened to some Reiki tunes on Spotify and felt So. Much. Better.

I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 8am. I'm grateful I didn't order a glass of wine to push through and stay. I'm grateful I tuned in to my body and honored it's needs. That I released what it needed to go, to create more space for the juicy new without judgment. Our bodies are constantly talking to us and it's up to us to learn to listen.

And some of the yoga teacher's wisdom earlier in the day?

"You don't have to do it perfectly, or gracefully...just graciously." 

and he quoted a section of Mary Oliver's poem, Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Last night, my body loved candles lit around a bathtub as it soaked, it loved releasing through tears and words, it loved going to bed early and sleeping in. It loved being listened to and honored and loved.