I’ve been in Amsterdam for three weeks now. It’s not a large city, 82 square miles. However, due to all the canals it’s divided into approximately 90 islands, which are linked by more than 1,200 bridges. (Thank you Wikipedia). So It can get a little a little confusing for this American as I walk and bike. I’ve spent more time lost in Amsterdam than anything and I sense that is the exact reason why I am here. To get lost. To get away from what I have come to believe as me and to see what crops up. I still love watching the Graham Norton show on youtube (if you need a laugh- this is the place to go). I still love avocado on gluten free toast for breakfast. What’s shifting is my perspective on me in the world. In understanding that How I show up is what matters. Am I showing up with curiosity? With love? Am I open to new and trusting this is exactly where I am meant to be? Am I trusting myself? Can I continue to step off the path I think I am supposed to be on and follow one that is being laid out before me that offers so much more magic, living, joy and love and yet pulls me farther from all that I know? Answers: Yes. Yes. Yes..okay sorta. Sometimes. Resistance.
Because part of this makes no 'sense'. I'm in the midst of starting my company, creating a video, collaborations. Shouldn't I be in Seattle? Or at least in the States? Shouldn't I..shouldn't I..shouldn't I?? No. I am exactly where I am meant to be. Across the water, growing, seeing my life, me in a new way, getting a new perspective which is infusing my writing and my life, Skyping with collaborators, creating community with people from India, France, Germany, the US and meeting more collaborators here and living out a long held dream to create a life where I can live wherever I want, wherever I am called and be of service. So yes, it makes sense because it's simply my truth.
The other day I had a list of errands to run but I decided to walk out the front door and just go rather than worry about following directions. I’d come to an intersection and see where my body wanted to go, when I looked to the right did it light up or constrict? I started noticing that I would get a clear hit each time. And it led me to exactly where I needed to go. To a shopping area to finds boots, a flower stand to buy tulips for my friend I’m staying with and to have a lovely chat with a man who had toured the US in a rock ’n roll band in the 80s. Then I found a wine story for a delicious bottle of Pinot Noir (loving the 7 Euro bottles of wine over here). Next, an organic store where I bought Indian Winter coconut milk ice cream with ginger root, cardamon, coriander and nutmeg that I would later put over pan roasted sweet potatoes with a few caramelized almonds for a tasty fall treat. I found a place to rent a bike, an ATM, an American book store. And as the sky darkened I enjoyed walking by people’s lit up homes checking out the cool interiors that Amsterdam is renowned for.
In signing up for getting lost, for trusting, it worked out better than I could have imagined or tried to create.
This is what I have to get into my marrow, my brain cells. It works out. Every time. Every time it's better than I imagined. And yet I am still surprised. I still resist. I still think I know what will happen or should happen. That is how strong my training is, how deeply ingrained it is within me to stay on the 'right' path. I doubt people think that of me, they don't see the struggle that can be happening on the inside. But trust me, it's there sometimes. And I have to remind myself to trust my instincts, to remember how beautifully it's worked out before, to shut out the other voices in my head that think its wrong and to go for it. Whether it's leaving my apartment with no plan, spending my 40th birthday by myself or buying a one way ticket to Kathmandu...it's all the same, I just need to remember to pack my humility, courage and heart.
Where can you get lost for awhile? Is there somewhere or something that you’re being called to but are resisting? Trust. Enjoy. Breathe. And take a step on your path…I'm cheering you on.
Love and tulips from Amsterdam
