I just got back from a Qoya dance class with the theme of Gratitude. What is the thing that has been most challenging for you to be grateful for? The word that came to me. Men. Missing out on opportunities to be loved by them. Missing out on having them in my life. Hating them. Feeling betrayed by them. Being killed by them in so many lifetimes for my very essence of the feminine. For my fire. My intuition. My bodies wisdom. My sexuality. My sensuality. Being Hated by them. Feared by them. That pain along with the the pain of being an abuse survivor this go around. And a survivor of deep disapproval for my essence, my feminine ways.
And dancing in gratitude for all of that. Finding the gifts in all of it. Allowing my body to move through the pain and finding the gifts in it. Crawling across the floor during Hallelujah to dance my journey. Not moving for minutes while I wailed in deep deep grief then crawling across the floor, taking my shirt off. Caressing my breasts, my heart, my thighs, my yoni.
Thank you for your fear, for every ounce of hatred. for every moment of shaming me, hurting me, hating me, rejecting me. Thank you. Because of this I came back home to my body. Because of this I know my power. My magic. My wild. I know pleasure is my birthright. Because of you I know I am sacred. Precious. Revered. Because of this I wear heels and dance around a pole. Have sisterhood. Drink green juice. Get massages. Am part of an Oracle Circle. Know that I am a witch. A mermaid. A goddess. A sacred prostitute. A work of art. Love every nuance of me. Every color, every shade. Because of you I revere myself. I left a marriage and kept committing to my truth, to finding it and standing for it. i found compassion. Gentleness. Tenderness. Tears. I found allowing, receiving, vulnerability. Talismans. I've danced with horses on a cliff in Maui. Communed with Everest and Annapurna. Danced on a bridge over the Colorado River in the basin of the Grand Canyon. Walked the sacred lands of this world. Fell in love with nature. With my thighs. With my yoni. Fell in love with my soul, my mind, my essence. Because of you I value beauty, pendulums, crystals, tarot cards, mystics. Because of you I light candles in churches, follow my intuition, hug strangers, hug trees, dance under full moons, buy Marlies Dekker Bra's, travel the world with joy and confidence and approval.. Because of you I released adaptations and am living a wild true life that is perfect for me. Because of you i am open to more than I ever imagined. Thank you for the pain, for breaking my heart, breaking my spirit- because you did. Let's not lie about that. But I reclaimed it. I am whole. I love more deeply, more honestly than ever before. More wisely. More powerful, I heal with my touch, with my gaze. I caress and moan again. You almost got that too. But you didn't.
So thank you. Tonight I danced my gratitudes to you all with a smile on my face. Tonight I reclaimed the back of my heart from being closed off, armored off. Tonight I reclaimed a softness I've never met before. Tonight I loved all of my colors. Tonight I moved through something so ancient, so heavy, so intense, so deeply entrenched in me I didn't know it was there. And now it's gone. Alchemized by the power of my body, the power of my wild heart. And now there is space. Space for more reverence. More LOVE. More pleasure. More freedom. More truth. More of the good. I welcome it. I am so worth it. Oh, thank you for that too.
Check out this YouTube video of Jeff Buckley performing Halleluah.