Tender Hearted Communion with others and self...

I wrote this three years ago and it still stands today.

Sometimes you've learned to hide those tender soft places inside of you. The ones yearning to have space in your body, in your emotions, in your life. The ones yearning for long hugs, for having your head and feet and heart massaged. You learned that forcing is the way to create. You learned that to do lists, waking up and starting to go was the way things were done. You had a day planner, a desk and files when you were in the 5th grade. You hid a lot of your tenderness with gregariousness, humor, helping other people. You hid your tears in ice cream, gum drops and entemann's cookies (hey they were fat free). You hid your desires by helping others reach theirs. Instead of saying ouch, you laughed it off and just added another mask to your interactions and relationships. You didn't ask to be hugged, you didn't ask for flowers on your birthday, you didn't ask for cards of love, you didn't ask for a book, a Robin Layton art piece, or cashmere wrap, or the things your soul really longed for. You learned to give these things to yourself. Which was life changing and empowering and brought more focus, truth and joy to your life. 

But you cut others off from giving to you. You still didn't ask for a helping hand, a hug as often as you needed. You still didn't share your tears or the power of your softness. And you would have these experiences where you felt that power but then you would push it away, protecting yourself again. Believing you had to be joyfully loud to be loved. Believing you couldn't rock the boat and be loved. Believing your emotions were hindrances, annoyances to those around you rather than the precious gifts they were to all. You believed your journey back to your body and soul was weak and shameful rather than proud and necessary. You believed your tender places, your deepest desires weren't worthy. And slowly bit by bit you changed all of this, you did your best, they did their best. And you started asking and receiving. You started living in those tender places, You started delighting in their wisdom, in the peace found in stillness and quiet. You started showing up more fully as you, more vulnerable, more true, more quietly powerful in your presence. You still have masks, they are still alchemizing you are still hesitant at times to believe that men love these tender places, love your quiet knowing, your sensual power. 

And yet you still hear the voice, 'Please be gentle. Please give this piece the honoring it deserves. Please show this tenderness, please allow it to be held. Please allow others to show theirs.' For there is deep communion in these moments that go below the masks. A communion many of us are starving for. 

And sometimes you go over to a friends apartment for a catch up and all of this is what is talked about and in the midst of the talking, silence emerges, you hold her hand and there are hugs. No words. You move behind her so she knows you have her back. She is not alone in this. You rub her lower back as her tears fall. You caress her hair, her neck and you feel her body start to melt. Allowing all that is being so unnecessarily held to release. And in this our hearts open more towards one another. In this we find support and the sense of loneliness fades away. And you receive her words of love, her words of appreciation.

And then you go back to your hotel room and you sob for your man, for that feeling of being so soft and intimate and loved. The yearning so deep for so long. And then you get into your body. You dance, you go downstairs and write and buy yourself a beautiful meal and then you make your way to Brooklyn for a Qoya class with a dear friend. And you pull the goddess card Kali. Release the old to welcome in the new. And you set the intention for your dance to release the old and as you start with a heart pose the tears start falling. Your body and heart so grateful to be in a place of softness. To be in a place that welcomes, cultivates and nourishes this very thing. And you receive hugs and conversations with a fellow dancer about Asheville, Maine, California and looking for home. You share with these women where you feel stuck and what you can do to be unstick and you dance it and you move something. 

And then you go back to your hotel and light some candles, put lavender epsom salts in your bath and just be. Allowing the softness and tenderness to wash over you. Allowing your body to melt. Your heart to soften. Your mind to relax. You don't care that you didn't eat dinner because this feeling is so long awaited after pushing and pulling and forcing. You curl up in a white robe and fall into a slumber praying for this softness to stay to truly welcome in the quiet, the stillness, the allowing, the surrender. To welcome in sinking into the most plush couch and having a delicious meal brought to you. To welcome in having your feet rubbed, having your tears kissed, having your heart held.

Salsa Twirls- a reminder to ask for what you want

As my brain continues to heal there are more moments where I feel connected to me- the joyful, lovebug who loves to meet people and have new experiences. Tonight I went salsa dancing and my brain wanted to leave after just awhile- but I stayed. i stayed through the intro class where i learned the basics along with a few twirls. I was the lead even though I wanted to learn to follow. I want to learn how to let the man lead so I can relax and be guided on the dance floor. To feel that experience of surrender and trust and vulnerability. 

So the intro class ends and then it is open dance. The ratio is almost 2:1 women to men. So I sit for awhile, waiting to be asked to dance. No go. I am tempted to leave and give myself 10 minutes to sit and if no one asks me to dance then I will go. Meanwhile some new folks have joined in and boy can they dance! I love sitting there watching them. This older couple, twisting and turning and smiling and laughing. Magic. And I want to experience it- so I look for one of the better dancers and go ask him to dance. He lets me know I can relax as he twirls me and moves me all around the dance floor. 

This is fun. It's fun to feel sexy as I move my hips and let go to the music and John's lead. 

The song end and John and I part ways. Brain is ready to go, Kim wants to dance like that again. So I ask another man and again, he is twirling me around the floor. So fun. 

I'm so glad I stayed and got in my dances rather than just coming home because my brain wanted to. It was great to push myself and to feel alive! 

So here's to more universe, thank you so very much for the twirls tonight.

coming back to my writing, praying to come back to my joy

The last year and a half has been filled with health challenges that I am just now moving through. hence why I have been so quiet. I just started writing again on Facebook and thought it would be a great time to share my writing via this website again. So here is a recent post - more to come.

Hello friends. its been awhile. i seem to have forgotten my writing. i used to love sitting in front of my fireplace in london, all cozied up and writing, creating. As much as I am feeling better- i still feel disconnected from magical parts of myself. the pieces i had worked so hard to find and reclaim. passing out chocolate bars, RYW cards, sticking love caper cards in food packaging at grocery stores. ukulele hunting.

I was filled with joy. and i miss it. and I'm not quite sure how to get it back. I've been doing my best to be grateful, to be alive, to find peace at being back in seattle for awhile. music doesn't move me like it used to.

anyway...just here to start writing again. sharing, hoping to find my way back to me.

may you all have deep love and joy today


get messy, get real, heal

Part of reclaiming your wild is speaking your truth, feeling all there is to tell, being honest, vulnerable, messy, brave.

It’s so time for all of us to reclaim our wild and create harmony and healing in the world
#reclaimyourwild #itstime

Joy and love are important parts of this healing movement

Today I was lucky enough to watch an incredible interview with Tarana Burke, the founder of the #metoo movement. She talked so eloquently about so many things. One of her points is that this is the time of healing as a movement. That all of this is coming up so we can be healed and that to do that we need copious amounts of joy and love. For when we do that deep dive in the dark we also need joy and love to bring us back to the surface and to more than we were before. I love that. I love that this is a time of healing as a movement, as a moment. and that we must include everyone in this movement, men too. 

I was humbled to be in that room at the world muse conference in Bend, Oregon and now humbled again to be in a room of a woman I met tonight. When I walked out the door I was startled to see so much snow and thought again about driving back to Seattle. I checked Kayak for hotel deals and they were pretty pricey in Bend. I ran into Laura on my way back into the event and told her what was happening and she offered me her guest room. Which is where I type this from. Cuddled up after meeting her lovely husband, talking about travels to Ireland and Scotland and sipping some sleepy time tea. And even the drive here was scary I can't imagine if I had tried to drive the Mt Hood pass. So my bag of love and joy gets bigger as I continue to deal with brain challenges that are getting so intense and scary at times. So far from me being me. I want to soak up these moments and remind myself of how I know I can be in the world. Of the magic the world has for me. Of how I have done so much healing so I can be a person who can share my path and hopefully support others along the way.

I want to come back to me and play my part in this healing movement. 

so here's to #metoo and #notokay and #reclaimyouwild and #lovecapersand the others thousands upon thousands of hashtags that are helping with this moment to heal, to break the silence, to share, to weep, to dance, to sob, to rage, to sing, to play. Here's to this moment. more please